Friday, September 01, 2006

Still Rainy, Inside and Out

Thanks for the comments to my last post. Lots of good things to think about! I absolutely agree with Jamie that luck often plays the biggest role of all in this. Sometimes the perfect transfer yields nothing, while the super difficult, unlikely transfer is the one that hits a home run. It just shows that even with science on our side, the results aren’t up to us or our RE.

I’m in a real funk today. I don’t think it has anything to do with the hormones, either. Part of it has to do with the rainy, nasty weather outside that will probably last through the holiday weekend. The other part is that I’m starting to tense up, knowing that it is now September, and this month I will either be ecstatic or crushed by the results of my cycle.

I am trying really hard to mentally prepare myself for a negative, because I don’t want to be so upset that I won’t want to try again. Really, the physical aspects of this cycle have not been that hard on me. Some of the shots really burn, but they’re over fast. The appointments haven’t completely taken over my life. And the side effects have been minimal. If it weren’t for the hellish psychological torment and a few money concerns, this wouldn’t be so bad.

What scares me is that a friend told me how a coworker of hers did the shared risk IVF plan (good for up to 6 tries and your money back if you don’t have a baby), and when her first cycle result was negative, she couldn’t even get out of bed. She got her money back and went on to adopt instead. I don’t want the depression of a negative to be so strong that I give up on my biological child. At the same time, I just wonder what the point of going through all this is for me, and whether I’m being told that I should be open to other things in life. For now, I have to try. Reading about everyone else’s struggles gives me the strength to know I will pick myself back up if there is a setback, and I will try again.

4 comments:

Motel Manager said...

I wouldn't spend too much time preparing yourself for a negative. Obviously, you are aware that it could happen, and I think that's enough. People react in different ways to negatives, and if you get one (which I hope you don't!) you can just deal with it then. In the meantime, I'd just hope for the best and realize that this may be a learning experience (ie, that if you do get a negative, you'll at least have more information).

But I'm counting on a BFP for you!

ms. x said...

For some reason (other than the fact that I'm just weird) I am really enjoying this weather. We are finally able to turn off the air conditioning and have the windows open and it's starting to feel like Fall. I'm just afraid the hot, hot weather will be back again before we know it.

-x-

Sunny said...

You can do this!

Lisa said...

Emmie - Your post is thoughtful. One's strength manifests during the harshest of times and amazingly, most of the time we end up back on our feet and healed (or working toward that). I'm glad you're not experiencing harsh physical effects of the cycle. I wasn't so lucky so IVF is no longer an option for me. As a true believer of another door opening when one closes, I hope you find that open door which fulfills you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. www.infertilespecies.blogspot.com