Friday, December 22, 2006

Just Kick Me, Why Don't You?

So yesterday I was super sick. I was even running a 100 degree temperature. I managed to get it down with some Tylenol, however, and spent most of the entire day wrapped up on the couch.

Even though it was a Thursday and I should have been at work, a lot of my friends seemed to have this sixth sense that I was home, because calls kept rolling in all day.

Most calls I did not take because I simply was not capable of getting up, but when I saw my best friend (really former best friend) had left messages on my cell, home, and work lines, I mustered the energy to call her back. Now, a bit of background, she is the uber-fertile with a not-yet-1 year old baby who has been completely oblivious to my infertility and told me all about how she was going to start trying again for #2 in the spring after I told her about my pregnancy (from this post).

Well, you guessed it. Just like uberfertile friend #1 who was going to start trying this month, she is already pregnant quite acidentally. She was quite distraught when I spoke to her on the phone. Evidently, she had peed on a stick just an hour before she called me and was freaking out. She was going on about how she was NOT ready to be pregnant again and how it was going to suck and how she had just called her husband in tears (not of joy) with the news. How messed up is it to call your husband miserable with news of a pregnancy. I mean, afterall, they did want another, and were going to start trying again soon. Ugh.

I'm not sure what she wanted me to say. I mean, she has no clue about my IF, but she knows it took me awhile and she knows that I'm thrilled about my pregnancy. So it's not like I was going to commiserate with her and be like--yeah, bummer for you.

It's just not fair to everyone struggling to have kids.

So my friend says she has "no idea" how she got pregnant, saying her hubbie has been using condoms. She remarked that she supposed he was putting them on too late in the game. Ugh, TMI! And come on, don't they know how to use condoms by now? The awful part is that Baby #1 was also very "unplanned," so you think she would have learned by now. She was just as upset to learn about her first pregnancy as this one, even though she has always wanted kids. So, I listened to her talk for awhile, but when she started going on about all the awful pregnancy symptoms she was dreading I had to let her go, blaming my cold. I did tell her that she should really feel lucky that she gets pregnant so easily, because it's not that way for everyone.

H was just livid when I relayed the conversation to him. He has no respect for her at all anymore. He felt that way when she reacted like that to Baby #1, and back then we didn't even know we had a problem for sure.

Anyway, at least the other phone calls that came in yesterday were good--news of friends getting engaged and stuff, and some people who I e-mailed about the boys called me with congratulations.

I now think everybody who could be pregnant in my circle of friends/family is pregnant, so at least I'll have no more announcements of successful pee sticks for awhile! Here's the baby breakdown--My neighbor friend is due in late April, I'm due in May, my sister in June, uberfertile friend #1 in July, former best friend in August.

Given all that, I am beyond grateful that God/the universe/forces beyond my control decided to give me with a positive IVF cycle, because I'm not sure I could have handled this absolute onslaught of 2007 pregnancies otherwise. I think H and I would have moved or been committed to a mental institution.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

It's a...

Boy and a Boy!!!

The ultrasound went very well yesterday, and there was no denying the gender of the babies, who are snuggled in my uterus head to head. One measures at 7 ounces and the other at 8 ounces, which I'm told is right on track. Their heartbeats were strong. My peri said they're still a little too small to detect any potential problems visually, but they currently look great so I have nothing to worry about for the time being. My next appointment is in another 4 weeks. So worry probably won't start creeping back in until 3 weeks from now as I wait to see them again.

The peri said my one placenta is still over my cervix, so we'll be keeping a close eye on that even though it could still move out of the way in time for delivery. So he says. My regular OB kinda thinks it will stay right where it is. But hey, he's the twin specialist, not her. I was warned there may be spotting, but so far other than one incident a month ago, I've been fine.

The peri says now that I'm feeling better and have more energy, I should go out and prepare for the babies as much as possible, since I may very well need bed rest in the third trimester. Doctor's orders to shop--hooray! But would you believe I woke up with yet another bad cold this morning? My immune system totally sucks right now. So I'm at home, tissues in one hand and computer mouse in the other as I troll Pott*ry Barn_Kids for boy nursery themes.

Happy day!

Monday, December 18, 2006

At Peace with 2006; Ready for 2007

I had a really great weekend. I decided to put all my stress aside and just focus on being in the moment for once. Being pregnant. Being excited for the holidays. Being myself with H again after a very rough year. It seems to be true that the second trimester really is the honeymoon period of pregnancy. I’ve had a few hours at a time where I’ve felt absolutely great—no fatigue, no unhappy stomach, no headaches. On Saturday morning, I felt so good when I woke up after sleeping in that I had to check my belly to make sure it was still there. It was, plus as I got ready to shower I saw I had developed another milestone symptom. The linea nigra had appeared—a faint, but unmistakable dark line running from my belly button to my bikini line. Hooray! I think I might actually believe I’m pregnant and everything might just be okay with the babies.

In that spirit, I laughed more easily this weekend, relaxed, and did all sorts of nesting activities around the house. We cleaned closets, organized junk drawers, gathered old clothes for donation, and chose a color for our new office, since the current office will become our nursery. H began prepping the walls of the new office for the new paint job. We plan to have the room finished over the holidays so that we can begin the nursery right afterwards, since we will know the sex of the babies on Wednesday! While H did the more intensive work that needed to be done around the house, I baked holiday cookies and listened to Christmas music. Such a peaceful time. We went out to dinner, did a little last-minute gift shopping, and generally just enjoyed each other’s company. I really just felt good to be alive.

So I’m going to try to cling to this peaceful feeling as we visit all my relatives this coming weekend and prepare for H’s parents to stay with us for a few days. I’m trying to keep my apprehension to a minimum. I’ve asked H to help me from getting worked up about the things his parents do that set us both off. I need to ignore it. Or at least not dwell on it. I also need to stop stressing about my parents’ expectations. I can’t make everybody happy all the time, right?

2006 was a very bad year in a lot of ways—I needed to find a new job because of deplorable working conditions (long story for another day), H and I were in an overseas car accident that left us very shaken up and wiped out most of our savings when insurance wouldn’t cover us, we were diagnosed with infertility, we had to struggle to make ends meet to pay for IVF meds while paying for unforeseen house emergencies, we went through the emotional strain of treatment while trying to protect our dignity from insensitive relatives, and H’s grandmother passed away the very day of our transfer.

Despite all this, 2006 has turned itself around into a very good year. I found a new job with amazing people and amazing benefits, H and I walked away from the car accident physically unharmed, we successfully went through treatment and became pregnant with two babies, I finished my master’s degree, and H and I have a plan to not only pay off our debt but actually save for the babies’ arrival, thanks to some serious budgeting, a few unexpected bonuses, and an inheritance we received from H’s grandmother. The most important part about 2006 is that H and I are entering 2007 as a stronger, more committed couple that has been tested and passed the strains of a very challenging year. After this year, I think we can get through anything together.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Family Conflicts and Birthday Blues

I’m a little frustrated right now at my mom, so this post will be more of a petty gripe fest than anything else. If you’re not in the mood to hear about my family issues, I understand. It always helps me to write about them though.

January is birthday month in my family. My sister’s is first, mine is 2 weeks later, then my grandmother’s is a week later. It has always sucked having them all so close together; plus I’ve had a lot of lousy birthdays, as I will explain.

This year, my sister’s b-day is the same weekend as my upcoming graduation. I thought about not walking at graduation, but I ultimately decided that it would bring me some much needed closure after all the work I did this year. The college is rather close to my parents/sister, but both are an hour and a half away from me. I knew having both events the same weekend was going to be very time consuming for me, because there would be no way my parents would let me get away with coming down just for my graduation and celebrating my sister’s b-day the same day, even though it’s a 3-hour round trip each time. Well, my sister’s b-day is on Friday and graduation is on Sunday. I didn’t assume that my sister would be coming to my graduation since her pregnancy has made her so sick, but my mom told me that she was planning on it. My mom starts in on me last night, saying she wants to go out to dinner with the family on Saturday night for D’s b-day, and H and I can spend the night if we want so we don’t have to drive back for my graduation the next day. Well, since D’s actual birthday is Friday, not Saturday, I (feeling cranky) decide to take a stand and say—“look, if we’re not going out on D’s actual birthday on Friday night, why can’t H and I just see her on Sunday?” My mom is immediately snarky with me. “I don’t want to combine celebrations” she says, overemphasizing the word combine. Ha! My sister must have said something to her about my strong opposition to a joint shower. I knew she would. Because my mom has absolutely nothing against combining (or downright ignoring) celebrations when it comes to me.

Since my birthday is sandwiched between my sister’s and my grandmother’s birthdays, several times in recent years we have celebrated both my and my sister’s birthday on her birthday due to schedule conflicts later in the month with my birthday. At first it bugged me a little and then I just stopped caring. The worst was the year of my 21st birthday. That year, my grandmother turned 80, and so my mom decided to throw my grandmother a huge, catered party for this milestone. Because she wanted my grandmother to be surprised, she decided to hold the party a week earlier, on the Saturday of my exact birthday. My birthday went completely ignored that day by my mom and the party guests. They didn’t even acknowledge it. We had a small dinner at home with just my parents/sister instead the day after. How crappy is that? It would have been nice for her to at least announce to everyone that I was also celebrating a big birthday on that very day; maybe give me a small cake of my own. I have always been bitter about her choosing my exact birthday for that party without even asking if it would bother me at all. But my birthdays growing up have almost always sucked, so it wasn’t a huge surprise. Most years, my dad would be out of town for them due to business (somehow he was always gone for my birthday but never once missed my sister’s.) I’d always be upset about it, but there’d be no consolation for it—no making it up to me. I’d spend the day at home, usually snowed in, with a take-out pizza as my birthday treat. I remember when my dad had to be out of town for my mom’s birthday for the first time just a few years ago. She was so upset. Visibly upset when she found out. He gave her a huge gift before and after the trip, and sent her roses on the actual day. He made sure my sister and I came down to take her out that day even though it was a weekday and I worked by then. How funny the difference in treatment. A 50-something woman gets treated like a baby, and I’m essentially told to suck it up as a 7, 8, and 9 year old.

One year when my dad was home for my birthday and it fell on a Saturday, I was so excited. I was about 12. I thought it would be great for sure. Maybe we’d see a movie that day or something. Nothing big—just go somewhere, anywhere. My dad informed me he and my mom just wanted to stay home and relax that day. He told me he’d take me to the library for a little bit because I had a school project due that week. And so that’s all we did. I worked on my project that day. My disappointment was just crushing. As a result, I’ve come to associate my birthday with disappointments and hurt feelings. It’s awful. Every year I anticipate a bad birthday. The best birthday I have ever had was the year it fell on my first business trip, and I got to go somewhere warm and sunny with H while the snow fell at home. It was such a liberating experience, not sticking around on my birthday for yet another letdown by my parents. The healing affects of that trip were short lived though. I find I’m still depressed as my birthday approaches each year and I recall all the painful family memories.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve always felt I’ve come in a distant second to my sister as far as my parent’s attention. My sister has not had the same birthday experience with my parents. Her birthday is a “must attend” event, even though it falls just after we’ve seen everybody countless time over Christmas week. I guess by the time they get to my birthday they are partied out, or too busy getting ready for my grandmother’s birthday. God forbid my sister should have to share her birthday celebration with my graduation. So, things got very strained with my mom on the phone last night as I explained I probably would only be coming down on Sunday to see everyone, and I would give D her b-day presents then. I said they should go ahead to dinner Saturday without me. It would be a different story if I lived close like they do, but I don’t. Since my b-day has always been an afterthought, why do I feel so guilty today? I feel so torn. I always end up caving and doing what they want me to. Yet nobody ever bends for me. Hence my many issues. I can assure you that my kids will have a very different birthday experience from mine.

When I first found out I’d be having May babies, I was so thrilled that they wouldn’t be born in January like so many in my family. But guess what—history is now repeating itself, only in May/June. My babies will be born first, followed by my mom’s b-day, then immediately followed by my sister’s baby’s birthday. The cycle continues? I hope not.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Being Pregnant at the Same Time as Uber-Fertiles

For the most part, I have been pleasantly surprised about the warm, excited responses I’ve received from friends when I’ve told them about my pregnancy. I’ve been very apprehensive about telling people, and for the most part, my fears were unfounded. Most friends don’t ask rude questions, and everyone has been so nice. It’s amazing to see how people gush over pregnant women. Who knew. I’ve never been much of a gusher about pregnant women myself.

My two fertile friends with infants managed to annoy me a little, however, when I shared my news. The first words out of their mouths after congratulations were “we’re trying again soon so maybe we’ll be pregnant for part of the same time!” Swell. You already have a baby. Can you just give me a moment to catch my breathe before you astound me with your uber-fertileness yet again? (These are all women who got pregnant “on the very first try!!”) Well, at Thanksgiving, one of these friends gave me the whole run down about how she was expecting her period next week and then they were going to quit using condoms so that hopefully they’d be pregnant by Christmas. Does anyone else feel a little sick hearing talk like that? I mean, can it really be that simple and fast?

Well, guess what, friends? Getting knocked up can happen even faster for the uber-fertiles in my life. This same girl met me at the mall to help me do some maternity clothes shopping yesterday, and she happily announced that she actually was already pregnant “by accident” at Thanksgiving. She just hadn’t known it yet. She’s now 7 weeks. Her baby will be 2 months younger than mine. How. does. this. happen????? She didn’t even have to try for one stinking month. Even H was a little bitter.

I’ll now take a moment to say how it does suck to share your pregnancy with pregnant fertiles. First my sister, now my friend. My other friend will probably be close behind. I’m happy for them; don’t get me wrong. I guess I just wanted this to be my time for a little bit, since it will very, very likely be my one and only pregnancy, and these girls either have already had one baby or will go on to have several more. Did we really have to overlap so closely with our due dates? I mean May, June, July—one right after another. Isn’t it funny that my babies will be old news in my social circle before they’re even a month old? I’m also a little sad about the fact that I’ll have to share my parent’s excitement and attention about my babies with their excitement over my sister’s baby. I want the babies (all three of them) to have their own time to shine with their grandparents.

For the most part, this is a frivolous post because I am just so happy about my pregnancy that it doesn’t really matter about all this stuff. I am feeling the best I have felt emotionally in a very long time. I guess this post was prompted by Hopeful Mother’s blog entry about experiencing the disappointment of a failed cycle while learning of her SIL’s second pregnancy at the same time. Towards the end of her post, she writes:

“But I am also actually thankful that if SIL is going to be pregnant, that I’m not pregnant right along with her at this moment. The comparisons I would feel without IF are bad enough – but I know that a fertile going through pregnancy is just not the same as an infertile going through pregnancy…If we ever make it there, I want our pregnancy to be ours alone and I don’t want to share that time with anyone else.”

I just want to let everyone know that yes, it’s true—the differences you will see between your pregnancy and your fertile pregnant friend/relative’s pregnancy can be very surprising and sometimes upsetting. And after such a long, heartbreaking struggle to become pregnant, you want the time to be about you and you alone. You don’t need your 7-weeks pregnant friend buying maternity clothes along with you, when she hasn’t even begun to need them yet and she still has a closet full of them at home from her pregnancy less than 2 years ago. It just seems a little cocky and unnecessary, don’t you think?

Being pregnant for Christmas is even more wonderful than I’ve always dreamed it would be, and in a way that makes the scars of infertility burn even more. I now know that I was fully justified in the complete heartbreak I felt in the thought that I might never be pregnant. And that makes this pregnancy even more fragile and important and scary. It makes me pray even harder for those of you still waiting.

In other news, I think I’ve been feeling the babies move some, but it’s hard for me to be confident about it. It feels like an eternity before my next scan on Dec. 20. My belly is continuing to grow, so I hope that means there are really two still alive and well in there.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Face to Face with Another Infertile

I love getting comments. They are always so helpful, so thank you! I definitely think I do need to add more protein to my diet to balance all the fruit I’ve been eating, and I’m finally at a point where I think I can do that. For awhile protein was making me a little queasy. Meg, about the maternity bras, yes I did convert a few weeks ago. They feel great at first, and then I grow out of them. I’m about to go on bra hunt number three. (I shudder to think of all the money I’m spending on bras.) My favorite so far is this Elle Mc.Pherson nursing bra. So comfy until the right boob started inching ahead of the left again. The bra leaves marks even though it doesn’t have an underwire! This time when I go shopping, I’m going to put myself in the hands of a fitting specialist. Can anyone tell me how, um, exposed you have to be to get measured properly? I’m just not into saleswomen seeing me in my ill-fitting bras. Guess I need to get over it.

Okay, so back to the story about who I told my IF story to the other day. There is a girl at work, Jen, that I’ve gotten friendly with since I started here, and she’s a few years older than me with no kids. She’s married, and we have a lot in common. The kid topic has never come up with us, but someone at work told me that she was undergoing IVF treatments and had been for awhile. Evidently she’s at least somewhat open about it if this person knew, because they’re not very close, and supposedly other people in the office know about it too. I learned this right as I was starting my IVF cycle and really wanted to say something to her about it so we could commiserate. Just the same, I didn’t feel comfortable bringing it up randomly, especially since she had no idea that I knew. I figured sooner or later I’d run into her at the branch of my clinic that’s right by my office.

Well, I never ran into her and it never came up naturally in conversation, so I didn’t push it. Then I got pregnant, and immediately thought of her when I started telling people at work. How she would feel having yet another pregnant woman in the office (there are several that just had babies this summer). I decided that I would tell her that I did IVF, even though I don’t want the whole office to know. Well, she’s been out a lot lately, likely due to another cycle. She was out the week I told everyone I was pregnant, then I was away after that. This week, I’m showing and people are starting to bring it up in conversation, so I wanted to talk to her alone before she heard about my pregnancy from someone else.

We went to lunch, and again kids and babies were the furthest thing from our conversation (not surprising for infertiles, I guess! We get to be good at avoiding the topic.) I almost chickened out of telling her about the pregnancy even. So finally, I said, “Hey Jen, I’ve got something I wanted to tell you outside of the office that’s a little personal but that I want you to know.” She looked very concerned. I blurted out that I was pregnant with twins, and her concerned look immediately went away and she gave me a hearty congratulations. She actually looked happy for me. She asked when they were due and stuff, and didn’t ask anything about them being natural. I steered the conversation back to what I really wanted to say. I told her the reason I wanted to talk to her outside of the office was that I had heard that she was going through IVF and I wanted her, and her alone, to know that I had too. I told her that I knew for myself hearing news about pregnancies was hard while I was going through treatment, and so I just wanted to be open with her about it even though I’d be lying my butt off in the office whenever the “natural” question came up. There was immediate understanding.

Telling her this news seemed to take down a wall. Now we were looking at each other truly eye to eye and relating. She seemed surprised that I had done IVF and at the same time she looked very glad I told her. She told me she had just had her 2nd failed cycle over 2 years, after several failed FETs and IUIs. We traded stories, and overall I must say that she seems to be handling IF much better than me. She said she was never that driven to have kids that are biologically her own, though she wants them whatever way they can come to her, and she’s starting to think about the adoption process. We talked about the impact IF has had on our husbands. It wasn’t a long conversation because I waited until almost the end of lunch to bring it up, but we agreed to get out again soon to talk more. She does seem genuinely happy that things have worked out for me, and I really hope things will work out for her soon. I explained to her why I wasn’t coming out to people about my treatment, and she was understanding. I’m glad I told her even though it was hard, because I couldn’t let another infertile think she was even more alone as someone else announced another pregnancy. Even with the pregnancy, I am still very much an infertile.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

My Current State of Being

I’m in high spirits this week, though I did hear two dead twin stories yesterday. I learned about someone’s acquaintance who had one twin die at 16 weeks. (Not a good thing to hear when you’re at 15 weeks.) Then, my general practitioner, who I finally went to see about my cough, immediately told me that his mom had miscarried his twin brothers at 7 months upon hearing my news. Um, thanks for that. I like him though. He’s very thorough and though he maybe talks a little too much about anything and everything, he doesn’t rush appointments. I’ll be taking the twins to him for pediatrics (God willing that they make it). Funny thing is, he didn’t even ask about whether I did IVF or anything. If my doctor, who probably has the most reason to ask such a question, didn’t need to ask, then everybody else can just mind their own business! I really liked GLouise’s response to my post yesterday—all so true and reassuring.

Anyhow, I wanted to give a quick health report for those of you obsessing about your condition like I am. The doc found no real reason for my cough other than it being a seasonal thing, and he suggested a cough drop that numbs the throat a little for relief. I hate cough drops though, so the name/brand went in one ear and out the other. I was feeling better, but then I had a major coughing fit last night that woke me up and made my stomach hurt so much. I find I have a lot of growing pains at night so I hope everything is fine.

I’ve had major headaches every day for several weeks now, and there’s really nothing I can do about them. I find laying down actually makes them worse. This has prevented me from sleeping in on the weekends, because I tend to wake up at 5 am with the headache and have to get up. I’m also peeing a million times a day—the frequency seems to have increased this past month. My lower back has been hurting from time to time, probably due to the growing boobs and belly.

When I looked down at my belly last night as I changed my clothes, I saw my belly button had completely popped out. Even though I’m just into my 4th month of pregnancy, I look a full 5 months when analyzing the pregnant woman illustrations in my “What to Expect” book. I guess it’s time to start taking some pictures of my belly!

I’m still concerned about my pink breasts, but I’m chalking it up to not being able to find the perfect bra. The new, expensive bras I bought while I was away still leave marks on the larger one that take hours to go away. A lot of my bras seem to be cutting off my circulation. Last night, the pink, marked-up area was a little numb. Ugh. I hate my boobs. I always thought it was great that I had a little bit of a chest. I never knew how much I would wish for an A cup. They are so big now they have stretch marks.

The other new development is that I feel the need to eat just about every hour. And it’s not a pleasant “oh I’m hungry” feeling. It’s a “oh my god I better eat or I’m going to die” feeling. I feel much better for about a half hour after eating. Then the process starts again. I don’t enjoy food at all, which makes it even harder. I’ve been able to eat healthy things at least. I’m always in the mood for fruit. Today, before lunch, I’d already eaten a lunch baggie full of grapes, a baggie full of strawberries, an apple, and a kiwi. This was in addition to a huge chunk of cheese, a granola bar, a dried fruit pouch, and a bagel. Maybe I should just eat a bigger sit-down breakfast? I really only have time for these quick snacks rather than a sit-down meal.

Other than these minor discomforts, I’m doing well. I’ll find out the sex of the babies on Dec. 20, less than 2 weeks away! This will be a very detailed scan, checking for lots of things, so I hope it will be a good one. Every time I feel like I might go out and start buying some of the major ticket baby items, I tell myself to wait until after the next scan. I really need to start shopping after this if we are going to spread out paying for two of everything. That and I won’t be up to going shopping once I get too big. I know it’s still early, but given my current size I now fully believe my doctor when he says that I don’t have much more time left to get around easily. Plus I want to be prepared in case I need bed rest. I don’t want to be over eager, but I feel like the time to go crib, stroller, and car seat shopping is upon me, especially if things need to be ordered.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Truth and Lies

The week of Thanksgiving, at 13 weeks, I finally started telling extended family members, friends, and colleagues about my pregnancy. Partially, I felt that 13 weeks was at least "safer," and mostly I had to tell people because I was starting to visibly show. After being out of town for a whole week and a half after Thanksgiving, I'm glad I told, because I have put on 5 more pounds since then (for a total of 10) and I no longer fit into any of my non-maternity clothes. I have a suprisingly round belly that sticks out pretty far, though not yet quite as far as my utterly annoying monster boobs.

Anyhow, in getting to this point of telling, H and I had to decide what we were going to answer when the fertility treatment question was inevitably asked. H felt we should just flat out lie and say we did no treatments. To everyone. Even to friends who had an incling we were headed in the IVF direction. At first this made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to lie. My approach was this:

Q: So, did you do fertility treatments?
A: Twins run in my family.

To me, this was not answering the question, but not lying either. H said this was just as good as admitting we had a problem and that I needed to say the word no. Well, since H's opinions have taken a back seat to mine during this whole process, I decided not to argue with him on this one. We would lie. And I'd ask God's forgiveness (Catholic guilt). The good thing about lying is that it closes the subject of infertility from further discussion. There are no follow up questions. If you say you did treatments, that leads to a conversation you might not have wanted to have, and one that the person asking might not have realized they didn't want to have.

I didn't think lying would work in every case though, because I had 2 friends that I already told outright that we were doing IVF. There was no " we might do it"-- I just admitted to it. There would be no way to "untell" these friends. Right?

Well, turns out these two friends don't really listen to much of what I say, or at least they don't retain it. When I told them (individually) about our pregnancy, they both asked immediately whether we had ended up doing IVF or not. I was a little stunned. I mean, I had told them the date of my first shot. I told them the whole process. Granted, I did not talk to either of them from the week before treatment started until now, so they weren't getting updates along the way, but still. How could they not know/remember the answer to that question already?

So I lied and said no. I said we were ready for treatments but everything worked out in the end. Boy did I feel guilty. But hey, if they are that careless in remembering this huge detail about my life, then I guess it really didn't matter whether they knew the truth or not. What was the point of them knowing anyway? Both said how happy they were to hear I didn't do IVF because they were worried about the side effects it would have on me. Whatever. I told them I saw nothing wrong with the procedure and you do what you have to do when you're in that situation. Aren't I one big contradiction? I don't want to come out to people, but I'm not ashamed of doing IVF. So I guess my main reason for not telling people is that they tend to ask stupid, intrusive questions that inadvertently hurt my feelings, and my answers really don't mean anything to them anyway. So why should I open myself and H up to that? Given H's parent's handling of the information, it just goes to show that you can't trust people to respect or consider your feelings.

So lying has gotten easier. For the most part, the only people who have immediately asked if the twins "are natural" are people I find mildly annoying already. Why would I want to tell them the truth? I hate the whole "are they natural" question, implying seeking help makes a baby "un-natural." It's just rude, and I'd find it annoying no matter how I got pregnant.

So now there is only one friend, a current co-worker, who knows the whole truth. And I believe I can trust her to keep quiet. She has seen me through several breakdowns during this whole thing, so I think she knows just how emotionally draining it has been for me.

I did, however, tell the truth to one other person yesterday. But I have to save that story for later...