Monday, December 11, 2006

Being Pregnant at the Same Time as Uber-Fertiles

For the most part, I have been pleasantly surprised about the warm, excited responses I’ve received from friends when I’ve told them about my pregnancy. I’ve been very apprehensive about telling people, and for the most part, my fears were unfounded. Most friends don’t ask rude questions, and everyone has been so nice. It’s amazing to see how people gush over pregnant women. Who knew. I’ve never been much of a gusher about pregnant women myself.

My two fertile friends with infants managed to annoy me a little, however, when I shared my news. The first words out of their mouths after congratulations were “we’re trying again soon so maybe we’ll be pregnant for part of the same time!” Swell. You already have a baby. Can you just give me a moment to catch my breathe before you astound me with your uber-fertileness yet again? (These are all women who got pregnant “on the very first try!!”) Well, at Thanksgiving, one of these friends gave me the whole run down about how she was expecting her period next week and then they were going to quit using condoms so that hopefully they’d be pregnant by Christmas. Does anyone else feel a little sick hearing talk like that? I mean, can it really be that simple and fast?

Well, guess what, friends? Getting knocked up can happen even faster for the uber-fertiles in my life. This same girl met me at the mall to help me do some maternity clothes shopping yesterday, and she happily announced that she actually was already pregnant “by accident” at Thanksgiving. She just hadn’t known it yet. She’s now 7 weeks. Her baby will be 2 months younger than mine. How. does. this. happen????? She didn’t even have to try for one stinking month. Even H was a little bitter.

I’ll now take a moment to say how it does suck to share your pregnancy with pregnant fertiles. First my sister, now my friend. My other friend will probably be close behind. I’m happy for them; don’t get me wrong. I guess I just wanted this to be my time for a little bit, since it will very, very likely be my one and only pregnancy, and these girls either have already had one baby or will go on to have several more. Did we really have to overlap so closely with our due dates? I mean May, June, July—one right after another. Isn’t it funny that my babies will be old news in my social circle before they’re even a month old? I’m also a little sad about the fact that I’ll have to share my parent’s excitement and attention about my babies with their excitement over my sister’s baby. I want the babies (all three of them) to have their own time to shine with their grandparents.

For the most part, this is a frivolous post because I am just so happy about my pregnancy that it doesn’t really matter about all this stuff. I am feeling the best I have felt emotionally in a very long time. I guess this post was prompted by Hopeful Mother’s blog entry about experiencing the disappointment of a failed cycle while learning of her SIL’s second pregnancy at the same time. Towards the end of her post, she writes:

“But I am also actually thankful that if SIL is going to be pregnant, that I’m not pregnant right along with her at this moment. The comparisons I would feel without IF are bad enough – but I know that a fertile going through pregnancy is just not the same as an infertile going through pregnancy…If we ever make it there, I want our pregnancy to be ours alone and I don’t want to share that time with anyone else.”

I just want to let everyone know that yes, it’s true—the differences you will see between your pregnancy and your fertile pregnant friend/relative’s pregnancy can be very surprising and sometimes upsetting. And after such a long, heartbreaking struggle to become pregnant, you want the time to be about you and you alone. You don’t need your 7-weeks pregnant friend buying maternity clothes along with you, when she hasn’t even begun to need them yet and she still has a closet full of them at home from her pregnancy less than 2 years ago. It just seems a little cocky and unnecessary, don’t you think?

Being pregnant for Christmas is even more wonderful than I’ve always dreamed it would be, and in a way that makes the scars of infertility burn even more. I now know that I was fully justified in the complete heartbreak I felt in the thought that I might never be pregnant. And that makes this pregnancy even more fragile and important and scary. It makes me pray even harder for those of you still waiting.

In other news, I think I’ve been feeling the babies move some, but it’s hard for me to be confident about it. It feels like an eternity before my next scan on Dec. 20. My belly is continuing to grow, so I hope that means there are really two still alive and well in there.


Motel Manager said...

Well said! It is amazing what fertiles can come out with - the blitheness of it all. It makes me REALLY appreciate those fertile friends of mine who either innately know or have learned how to be sensitive. They are gems!

Anonymous said...

I think I would have hurt her.

I definitely think this should be your time and not have to share it. I'm sorry they are stealing your thunder. It isn't fair.

Sarah Beth said...

I enjoyed your post. I'm sorry that you have to share you special time with others, you deserve to have it all to yourself. I have never commented before, but read your blog regularly. Your comment about Xmas really struck me as I have been struggling this past week so much with Xmas and the fact that I do not have a baby yet. I suffered a m/c at 8 weeks back in March and so should have had a baby by now. Xmas is so painful, I haven't even decided how to deal with it yet.

Best Wishes for a very healthy rest of your pregnancy!

Jena said...

I understand - you had to work so much harder at this and you deserve your moment.

But when you're feeling super petty, just think to yourself in your best whiny voice "Yeah, but I'm having 2 and you're only having one" and mentally stick out your tongue :)

UtRus said...

i hear you about the holidays adding extra poignancy to everything. My heart aches for everyone suffering losses and battling IF especially right now.

We'll be telling people of our twin pregnancy (if everything goes ok with the testing) in the next few weeks. i still can't believe this is happening. I am a bit worried about judgements from other people regarding IVF and the queries and noseyness is inevitable with twins. i think i'll post about this and we can talk about it. hugs!

Rhianyn said...

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm very happy for you. I've read your blog off and on for a while and have hoped with you that you would get to experience the joy of pregnancy. Blessings to you and your family.