Thursday, May 07, 2009


Tomorrow, May 8, is a bitter sweet day. My little boys turn two, and I mark the second anniverary of the most nightmarish experience I hope I'll ever have. What was supposed to be one of the best days of my life was one of my worst, and almost my last. The dual nature of the day is something I have to live with--but at least I'm here to live it. Two years ago tomorrow I should have been dead by all my doctors' accounts due to the severe complications I endured during my labor.

This year my journey to recovery has continued with a significant milestone. I had my abdominoplasty surgery on September 22. I am so happy to tell you all that it went wonderfully and that I am healing well. No, insurance never paid a dime. But not being able to see my intestines moving beneath my skin anymore--priceless. :)

The weekend leading up to the surgery I had a unique oppotunity to be interviewed for an informational video on women's pregancy disorders. They wanted me to share my story. The woman doing the video and interviewing me had had a similar experience to mine. It was healing emotionally to meet someone else who had been such a medical mystery to her doctors and had lived to talk about it. Our husbands also bonded.

The day of the surgery I was beyond terrified. It was a horrible thing to walk into the same hospital were I had spent several weeks in the ICU, leaving my boys at home and not knowing when I'd get to hold them again. As I was wheeled into the operating room, I caught a glimpse of a familliar face--the mother of my boys' Godmother is a nurse and she had randomly been assigned to my floor that day. If that's not a blessing I don't know what is. She was with me when I woke up.

H stayed with me overnight in the hospital and I felt so much better than I thought I would that I couldn't believe it. I was able to get up to go to the bathroom on my own and eat dinner. We watched TV. I slept through the night. It just showed me how very, very ill I had been the last time I had stayed in that hospital.

I went home from the hospital the next day, and my parents stayed with us for a few weeks while I was recovery. It took me 3 months before I could pick up the boys again, but I was downstairs watching them play a few days after the surgery. I feel so much better now that I've had the surgery that it is amazing. So far I have had no complications other than the usual swelling, which will take about a year to go away completely.

The boys are great. They say a lot of words now, and they can count to ten very clearly. They don't speak in many sentences yet (mainly "more food, "need help"), but the one sentence they do say on a regular basis is "I love (ove) you, Momma." Now how great is that?

May was once my favorite time of year, but now as the flowers bloom and the weather starts to warm up, I get a sort of feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. The last remains of post traumatic stress bouncing around my psyche I suppose. I gave up therapy more than a year ago and have overall been doing just fine. I just need to beat these anniversary blues. I'm sure as more years pass I will. My doctors still remind me how surprised they are that I'm here--maybe I should get new doctors? But, being reminded that you shouldn't even be here right now certainly puts things into perspective when you're having a bad day.

Going through infertility has given me an appreciation for my kids that I think some may never understand. Likewise, my near-death experience has given me an appreciation for my life that I didn't have. It's easy to say "don't take things for granted," but once you really get close to losing them it opens up a whole new level of understanding. Not that other people don't love and value their lives and their kids lives. It's just an extra awareness that you have.

I can't expect that I have any readers left, but if you are out there--thank you for supporting me and being my friend. It's been quite an adventure. I'm glad that it has ended well and I wish you the best of luck on your journeys. I'm still out there lurking, but my other blog friends say things much better than I do so I'll leave the blogging to them. It's time for me to get on with things...

Happy May!