Tomorrow, May 8, is a bitter sweet day. My little boys turn two, and I mark the second anniverary of the most nightmarish experience I hope I'll ever have. What was supposed to be one of the best days of my life was one of my worst, and almost my last. The dual nature of the day is something I have to live with--but at least I'm here to live it. Two years ago tomorrow I should have been dead by all my doctors' accounts due to the severe complications I endured during my labor.
This year my journey to recovery has continued with a significant milestone. I had my abdominoplasty surgery on September 22. I am so happy to tell you all that it went wonderfully and that I am healing well. No, insurance never paid a dime. But not being able to see my intestines moving beneath my skin anymore--priceless. :)
The weekend leading up to the surgery I had a unique oppotunity to be interviewed for an informational video on women's pregancy disorders. They wanted me to share my story. The woman doing the video and interviewing me had had a similar experience to mine. It was healing emotionally to meet someone else who had been such a medical mystery to her doctors and had lived to talk about it. Our husbands also bonded.
The day of the surgery I was beyond terrified. It was a horrible thing to walk into the same hospital were I had spent several weeks in the ICU, leaving my boys at home and not knowing when I'd get to hold them again. As I was wheeled into the operating room, I caught a glimpse of a familliar face--the mother of my boys' Godmother is a nurse and she had randomly been assigned to my floor that day. If that's not a blessing I don't know what is. She was with me when I woke up.
H stayed with me overnight in the hospital and I felt so much better than I thought I would that I couldn't believe it. I was able to get up to go to the bathroom on my own and eat dinner. We watched TV. I slept through the night. It just showed me how very, very ill I had been the last time I had stayed in that hospital.
I went home from the hospital the next day, and my parents stayed with us for a few weeks while I was recovery. It took me 3 months before I could pick up the boys again, but I was downstairs watching them play a few days after the surgery. I feel so much better now that I've had the surgery that it is amazing. So far I have had no complications other than the usual swelling, which will take about a year to go away completely.
The boys are great. They say a lot of words now, and they can count to ten very clearly. They don't speak in many sentences yet (mainly "more food, "need help"), but the one sentence they do say on a regular basis is "I love (ove) you, Momma." Now how great is that?
May was once my favorite time of year, but now as the flowers bloom and the weather starts to warm up, I get a sort of feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. The last remains of post traumatic stress bouncing around my psyche I suppose. I gave up therapy more than a year ago and have overall been doing just fine. I just need to beat these anniversary blues. I'm sure as more years pass I will. My doctors still remind me how surprised they are that I'm here--maybe I should get new doctors? But, being reminded that you shouldn't even be here right now certainly puts things into perspective when you're having a bad day.
Going through infertility has given me an appreciation for my kids that I think some may never understand. Likewise, my near-death experience has given me an appreciation for my life that I didn't have. It's easy to say "don't take things for granted," but once you really get close to losing them it opens up a whole new level of understanding. Not that other people don't love and value their lives and their kids lives. It's just an extra awareness that you have.
I can't expect that I have any readers left, but if you are out there--thank you for supporting me and being my friend. It's been quite an adventure. I'm glad that it has ended well and I wish you the best of luck on your journeys. I'm still out there lurking, but my other blog friends say things much better than I do so I'll leave the blogging to them. It's time for me to get on with things...
Happy May!
Emmie
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Monday, August 11, 2008
Hello Again!
Hey everybody!
So the last time I posted, WAAAAY back in February, I said I was going to try to renew the blog. Ha...instead everybody got colds, one at a time, and we were a mess for about 3 weeks. After that, time just kept slipping away and I never got around to posting, though I still visit the blogs of my closest blog friends. I haven't forgotten the people who were with me during my darkest times!!!
So, an update is in order. Well, insurance never reversed its decision about my surgery, and to top it off my insurance changed to a new company last month that won't cover any plastic srugery under any circumstances, medically necessary or not, so I'm left footing the bill. I finally gave in and scheduled the full abdominoplasty for late September, and I am absoultely dreading it. Not only am I out of a considerable chunck of change, I just can't bear the thought of going back to the hospital and having such a major surgery. I dread the long recovery and not being able to pick up my boys or rough house with them. I feel like I finally have a life again, but that I'll have to put it on hold once again. Still, every time I look at my stomach and see or feel my intestines move just beneath the surface, I know that my abdominal wall must be repaired, whether insurance thinks so or not. So, let's just hope this procedure is a lot less complicated that my delivery of the boys...
And on to the boys, the best part of my life...
They are awesome. So worth everything we went through to have them. I am so happy to have survived to be able to raise them. They started walking on their 14 month birthday, and now they are practically running at 15 months. I call--Come to Mommy--and they run over, tackling me with hugs and kisses. It is just awesome. They give these huge open-mouthed kisses that crack me up. When they come toddling towards me and actually do things to make me laugh, I can't get over how lucky I am.
I feel insanely busy every day and I lead a way over-scheduled life, with every hour planned, but my playtime with the boys is true bliss. The schedule and routine is essential to our sanity though, so I'll live with the fact that every moment of my day is accounted for right now.
Our first year with our au pair already concluded, and we now have a new au pair who is equally great with the boys. It's hard getting someone new acclimated to our home, our family, and the culture while sharing our focus with the boys and full time jobs, but H and I are managing. Some days I'm so stressed I think I'm just going to keel over, but other days I feel very competent and in control. I probably need to give up some of my control issues. :)
I hope you all are well and I'll try to update a little more frequently.
So the last time I posted, WAAAAY back in February, I said I was going to try to renew the blog. Ha...instead everybody got colds, one at a time, and we were a mess for about 3 weeks. After that, time just kept slipping away and I never got around to posting, though I still visit the blogs of my closest blog friends. I haven't forgotten the people who were with me during my darkest times!!!
So, an update is in order. Well, insurance never reversed its decision about my surgery, and to top it off my insurance changed to a new company last month that won't cover any plastic srugery under any circumstances, medically necessary or not, so I'm left footing the bill. I finally gave in and scheduled the full abdominoplasty for late September, and I am absoultely dreading it. Not only am I out of a considerable chunck of change, I just can't bear the thought of going back to the hospital and having such a major surgery. I dread the long recovery and not being able to pick up my boys or rough house with them. I feel like I finally have a life again, but that I'll have to put it on hold once again. Still, every time I look at my stomach and see or feel my intestines move just beneath the surface, I know that my abdominal wall must be repaired, whether insurance thinks so or not. So, let's just hope this procedure is a lot less complicated that my delivery of the boys...
And on to the boys, the best part of my life...
They are awesome. So worth everything we went through to have them. I am so happy to have survived to be able to raise them. They started walking on their 14 month birthday, and now they are practically running at 15 months. I call--Come to Mommy--and they run over, tackling me with hugs and kisses. It is just awesome. They give these huge open-mouthed kisses that crack me up. When they come toddling towards me and actually do things to make me laugh, I can't get over how lucky I am.
I feel insanely busy every day and I lead a way over-scheduled life, with every hour planned, but my playtime with the boys is true bliss. The schedule and routine is essential to our sanity though, so I'll live with the fact that every moment of my day is accounted for right now.
Our first year with our au pair already concluded, and we now have a new au pair who is equally great with the boys. It's hard getting someone new acclimated to our home, our family, and the culture while sharing our focus with the boys and full time jobs, but H and I are managing. Some days I'm so stressed I think I'm just going to keel over, but other days I feel very competent and in control. I probably need to give up some of my control issues. :)
I hope you all are well and I'll try to update a little more frequently.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Nothing Better
Thanks for all of your encouragement after my last post. I'm going to wait until I know my insurance appeals definitely won't work before I turn to the media, but if the appeal fails I'm ready to get the word out for help.
In the meantime, let's talk good things...twins!!!
I think their progress has been really great. They are both really happy almost all of the time now (such a relief from the first 3 to 4 months when they cried so much and little would comfort them.) They babble like crazy and are quite good at getting what they want. They both do some super cute yoga moves in addition to crawling (hands and tiptoes on the floor with their heads down and butts high in the air.) The youngest hasn't shown any signs of a tooth yet but I think it should be any day now with all the drool. The oldest played with a rubber ducky in the tub last night for the first time. He likes to give big, open mouth kisses to the side of my face, which is kinda scary as he has two very sharp teeth. I'm not sure if he's really kissing me or trying to suck my face like a vampire, but he and I both find it hilarious. The youngest is fascinated with sticking out his tongue. If you get too close, he will lick you and then smile the sweetest smile you have ever seen.
Both sit up pretty well now and for long periods of time, but when they do fall over it causes quite a few tears. Oldest now shows off by pulling up to a standing position and then letting go with one hand. I feel like this is very advanced for 8 months, but I have other mothers asking me if they're walking yet. (huh???) Littlest shows no interest in pulling up yet. It's amazing how the milestones just suddenly happen though. One day they're happy just to hang out on the floor, the next day the Big'un is waving at me from his crib while I change his brother.
Of course, having twins means that people will make comparisons and try to worry you. MIL has expressed concerns that Littlest is not as advanced in mobility/standing as Biggest. Ugh. Forget trying to explain that they are individuals and will do things at different speeds. I try to just ease her worries and forget about it, but sometimes it gets to me.
In the meantime, let's talk good things...twins!!!
I think their progress has been really great. They are both really happy almost all of the time now (such a relief from the first 3 to 4 months when they cried so much and little would comfort them.) They babble like crazy and are quite good at getting what they want. They both do some super cute yoga moves in addition to crawling (hands and tiptoes on the floor with their heads down and butts high in the air.) The youngest hasn't shown any signs of a tooth yet but I think it should be any day now with all the drool. The oldest played with a rubber ducky in the tub last night for the first time. He likes to give big, open mouth kisses to the side of my face, which is kinda scary as he has two very sharp teeth. I'm not sure if he's really kissing me or trying to suck my face like a vampire, but he and I both find it hilarious. The youngest is fascinated with sticking out his tongue. If you get too close, he will lick you and then smile the sweetest smile you have ever seen.
Both sit up pretty well now and for long periods of time, but when they do fall over it causes quite a few tears. Oldest now shows off by pulling up to a standing position and then letting go with one hand. I feel like this is very advanced for 8 months, but I have other mothers asking me if they're walking yet. (huh???) Littlest shows no interest in pulling up yet. It's amazing how the milestones just suddenly happen though. One day they're happy just to hang out on the floor, the next day the Big'un is waving at me from his crib while I change his brother.
Of course, having twins means that people will make comparisons and try to worry you. MIL has expressed concerns that Littlest is not as advanced in mobility/standing as Biggest. Ugh. Forget trying to explain that they are individuals and will do things at different speeds. I try to just ease her worries and forget about it, but sometimes it gets to me.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Let's Get This Party Started
For those of you who have been long-time readers of Fertility Lost, you may have noticed that I'm trying to update the look of the blog and add a few new elements. (Please take my survey in the side bar!)I totally screwed up my blogroll and still have to redo it, so please bare with me. I'll never have a fancy site. Knowing this, I realized I need to get off my butt and write or give this up all together. No one likes a stale blog, right?
So here it is, folks. My attempt to renew my blog. I hope I still have some readers left out there and I hope maybe I'll pick up some new ones. My focus: parenting twins after infertility, with a few diatribes about post-partum depression, post tramautic stress, HE.LLP syndrome, having an au pair, and other things that go bump in the night. Throw in a few photos of some deliciously adorable twin babies, a documentary about my efforts to get my much-needed abdominal surgery covered by insurance, and some bad in-law stories, and I think we'll have a blog worth visiting again.
So, what's new, you ask? Here it is in a nutshell:
My therpaist has pronounced me over my post traumatic stress syndrome and post-partum depression. Hooray! Life is good, no? Well, my big lesson in therapy is that life is still going to be pretty crappy sometimes and that's okay. What matters is how I handle it. And indeed, life is still crappy a lot of the time, as you will see in Exhibit B...
My battle with my health insurance rages on, as three separate doctors have written strongly worded letters expressing the medical necessity of my abdominoplasty. So far, these letters have done nothing but produce more denial letters from Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois. That's right, I'm calling you out by name, BCBSIL! As I continue to walk around each day with my intestines and internal organs unprotected by any muscle tissue, I get angrier and angrier. Look soon for a You Tube video showing the world how I can watch my intestines moving right beneath my skin. I'm hoping some word of mouth about my condition will get me some much needed attention. My docs have suggested I take my story to the media. So blogger friends, I may be enlisting your help to spread my story and outrage over this lack of attention to what is a very serious medical condition. I'm awaiting word on my appeal right now. If it's unfavorable, I'm taking the next step to get some help.
My babies are fabulous. I am absolutely in love with them. They make the health insurance battle and the abdominal pain I'm experiencing bearable. Baby A pulls up now and has two teeth. Baby B has a passion for solid food and is crawling on his knees. They are truly the light of my life and have made this whole experience worth all the pain and misery. I couldn't have said that a few months ago. I'm finally seeing the light after a very difficult recovery. Much more on the babies in posts to come. I just don't know where to start.
So here it is, folks. My attempt to renew my blog. I hope I still have some readers left out there and I hope maybe I'll pick up some new ones. My focus: parenting twins after infertility, with a few diatribes about post-partum depression, post tramautic stress, HE.LLP syndrome, having an au pair, and other things that go bump in the night. Throw in a few photos of some deliciously adorable twin babies, a documentary about my efforts to get my much-needed abdominal surgery covered by insurance, and some bad in-law stories, and I think we'll have a blog worth visiting again.
So, what's new, you ask? Here it is in a nutshell:
My therpaist has pronounced me over my post traumatic stress syndrome and post-partum depression. Hooray! Life is good, no? Well, my big lesson in therapy is that life is still going to be pretty crappy sometimes and that's okay. What matters is how I handle it. And indeed, life is still crappy a lot of the time, as you will see in Exhibit B...
My battle with my health insurance rages on, as three separate doctors have written strongly worded letters expressing the medical necessity of my abdominoplasty. So far, these letters have done nothing but produce more denial letters from Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois. That's right, I'm calling you out by name, BCBSIL! As I continue to walk around each day with my intestines and internal organs unprotected by any muscle tissue, I get angrier and angrier. Look soon for a You Tube video showing the world how I can watch my intestines moving right beneath my skin. I'm hoping some word of mouth about my condition will get me some much needed attention. My docs have suggested I take my story to the media. So blogger friends, I may be enlisting your help to spread my story and outrage over this lack of attention to what is a very serious medical condition. I'm awaiting word on my appeal right now. If it's unfavorable, I'm taking the next step to get some help.
My babies are fabulous. I am absolutely in love with them. They make the health insurance battle and the abdominal pain I'm experiencing bearable. Baby A pulls up now and has two teeth. Baby B has a passion for solid food and is crawling on his knees. They are truly the light of my life and have made this whole experience worth all the pain and misery. I couldn't have said that a few months ago. I'm finally seeing the light after a very difficult recovery. Much more on the babies in posts to come. I just don't know where to start.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Happy New Year!
I hope all my blog friends and readers out there have a wonderful 2008. I am optimistic that 2008 will be much better than 2007; of course, I had been optimistic that 2007 would be much, much better than 2006. And in many ways it was. And hey, I'm here to see 2008, with babies, so that's what really counts, right?
This year I've really learned about living in the present. During the pregnancy I focused on each and every day that the babies were growing inside me. Every day I got closer to having "term" twins was an accomplishment. I didn't look far ahead of myself. The same happened when I was in the hospital. Some days I really lived minute to minute. As I healed that became hour to hour, day to day. Now with all the challenges of raising two babies at once I'm still living in the moment, handling one thing at a time and not getting too far ahead of myself. Yeah, I sometimes google private school tuition rates and dream of a day when I won't need so much child care, but for the most part I'm taking it one day at a time and loving it.
This was the best Christmas ever, hands down, for me and H. The babies were so great, even though we had them around different groups of relatives and friends almost every day for two weeks. I finally feel whole, like my life is complete. No one is missing anymore. Now all I have to do is enjoy it. And I am. No New Year's resolutions this year. Just grateful to see each day and what it brings.
This year I've really learned about living in the present. During the pregnancy I focused on each and every day that the babies were growing inside me. Every day I got closer to having "term" twins was an accomplishment. I didn't look far ahead of myself. The same happened when I was in the hospital. Some days I really lived minute to minute. As I healed that became hour to hour, day to day. Now with all the challenges of raising two babies at once I'm still living in the moment, handling one thing at a time and not getting too far ahead of myself. Yeah, I sometimes google private school tuition rates and dream of a day when I won't need so much child care, but for the most part I'm taking it one day at a time and loving it.
This was the best Christmas ever, hands down, for me and H. The babies were so great, even though we had them around different groups of relatives and friends almost every day for two weeks. I finally feel whole, like my life is complete. No one is missing anymore. Now all I have to do is enjoy it. And I am. No New Year's resolutions this year. Just grateful to see each day and what it brings.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The Happiest Season of All
It's the most magical time of the year, right? Not for everyone. It seems that all of my real-life close friends are all having really rough times right now. What's going on, universe? Here's to a much better 2008.
I can't say my life is just peachy yet as my surgery still looms over me, but I must say that life with babies is a hell of a lot better than life without babies. Yes, I am tired, and yes, I sometimes long for the days when I could take a nap or jot off to run an errand without thinking twice, but I am so, so happy to have my two little boys. They are the sweetest things ever, and I can't imagine living life without them.
This knowledge just makes me even more disgusted with all the people who spout "just adopt" or "move on" to infertiles seeking treatment. Geesh. Kids are so important. We all know it. Why pretend that infertiles aren't missing something when we so clearly are?
After everything that happened, I'd still do it again in a heartbeat to have these two little people in my life. I am so lucky. I have everything I want for Christmas.
My one boy said dadada repeatedly this weekend, and the other said momomomom, with very distinct articulation. What a great feeling to hear those sounds, even if the babies have no idea what they mean.
I can't say my life is just peachy yet as my surgery still looms over me, but I must say that life with babies is a hell of a lot better than life without babies. Yes, I am tired, and yes, I sometimes long for the days when I could take a nap or jot off to run an errand without thinking twice, but I am so, so happy to have my two little boys. They are the sweetest things ever, and I can't imagine living life without them.
This knowledge just makes me even more disgusted with all the people who spout "just adopt" or "move on" to infertiles seeking treatment. Geesh. Kids are so important. We all know it. Why pretend that infertiles aren't missing something when we so clearly are?
After everything that happened, I'd still do it again in a heartbeat to have these two little people in my life. I am so lucky. I have everything I want for Christmas.
My one boy said dadada repeatedly this weekend, and the other said momomomom, with very distinct articulation. What a great feeling to hear those sounds, even if the babies have no idea what they mean.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Adoption
Hey GLouise--Thanks for your comment to my last post; I was wondering where your blog went! Yes, please tell me what I need to do to still read your blog. I really am interested in adopting one day. I don't know if it's feasible for me, but I've found your story very inspiring.
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