Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Are You There, Google? It's Me, Emmie.

I think I'm losing my mind. Despite the fact that I know Google can't tell me I'm pregnant, I keep scouring it for clues and reassurance. The HPT I have tucked in my suitcase (the one thing that MIGHT give me a clue) remains untouched. I woke up at 5:30 this morning, cramps raging, heart pounding, and went to the bathroom without even looking for it. I guess at this point I can still have 2 1/2 days of non-devastation before the beta results are delivered to me. Why bring on the devastation any sooner than I need to?

I love Motel Manager's post about symptoms. She sums up the craziness so well. Although it's pointless, I can't help over-analyzing myself.

My "ladies" had a lot of tingling late last week and were so swollen and sore that I thought they were going to fall off my body last week. They also had the major vein thing going on. Today, however, they are not sore at all and they aren't even as veiny. This makes me think that maybe I had an implanter but it decided to leave early after all.

I woke up today with the first headache I've had since the Lupr*n. It feels like the headache that usually signals the arrival of AF for me. Coupled with my cramps, I feel like AF is just strolling down the street and will be here any time now--but not before my beta on Friday. No need to ruin the "surprise" BFN. Everything down there is still all clear--not a spot in site.

I had a weird vein starting to emerge near my belly button, and it too went away, supporting my theory that the uterus has closed up shop.

I had a dream last week that I did a HPT and it was positive. Wishful thinking. I'm afraid I pushed it way too hard the past few days. I couldn't help it though. I had to go on with my life. Next time I'll try not to have a cycle end right around a business trip. It was a good distraction initially though. I really did have fun on Friday and Saturday, and even stopped thinking about the wait for a little while. I'm glad I went away, because being at home would have been much harder.

You know, my discharge instructions after transfer were not nearly as strict as some other people's. I was told that I only had to avoid swimming and sex for one week, not seven. Is that odd? Not that I've done either, and believe me I've been tempted having H here with me over the weekend with a great pool outside. It's probably my last chance to go swimming this year. Part of me just wants to jump in tonight, but I'm such a goody goody. Even though my doctor said I could, I won't. Even though I have an HPT right here, I probably won't use it.

How many of you out there have POAS and regretted it afterwards? I'm assuming if it were positive you didn't regret it. ;)


Alli said...

You have got to love Dr. Google.

I have actually peed on a stick and then got my period while I waited for the result. Not freaking kidding. That is the very day I started my blog. I flipped out. LOL.

Motel Manager said...

Personally, I think your symptoms sound promising. Fingers crossed!

As for POAS, I haven't regretted doing it early, but I do think it's a good idea to do it in private or at a time when you can process the news, either good or bad. And when you have support (ie, H) around. I like to know in advance of the "real" test what the answer is going to be - I guess I'm afraid of dying of suspense in the clinic, or, worse, crying. But I know lots of women who wait until the real beta.

Sunny said...

Oh I have regretted testing early. My heart would just crash. I really hope you get your BFP SOON!

GLouise said...

I am really hoping for you!!

Re: "doctor's orders after transfer," I barely got any advice!

They definitely didn't tell me to avoid swimming or bathing- lol.

Wishing you all the best,

deanna said...

I'm with the others on this one---testing early sucks! For me, it sucks because I rarely believe the BFN. I've always got an arsenal of excuses ready for why I actually could be pregnant, in spite of the negative results. I try to hold off until 18dpo to test, because by then you're almost guaranteed a positive. (needless to say, my period has never let me get to 18dpo, hmph.)

Thinking of you, and hoping your beta is full of good news!!

luolin said...

My understanding from talking to nurses at my clinic is that almost all the instructions (of things not to do) have to do with avoiding infection after the *retrieval* because of having poked intimate parts with those needles. So for my clinic it is 2 weeks after retrieval, regardless of whether it is a day 3 or day 5 transfer.

I hope you're doing ok with the PIO shots on the road. I'll be thinking of you on Friday.

Melissa said...

Ugh...I agree with Ali! I've gotten my period while the BFN appeared. I hate testing...period...Used to be POAS addict...then got so torn by all the bfn's, I swore them off entirely. Plus, I swear that I jinx myself into NOT being pregnant the moment I even think about testing...Good luck though! Hope everything works out!

Jamie said...

As you know I have no patience! I can't believe how patient you are being... That is true strength in my opinion.

I'm wishing and hoping for you...

And I enjoyed your tag answers :)

Thank God I am not the only one who has been convinced that Dr. Google could tell me I was PG. :) He tells me everything else... why can't he tell me this?? :)

Emmie said...

Oh gosh, Alli! I can't believe you got your period while waiting for the results. Talk about adding insult to injury!

Lisa said...

I love Google when it tells me my symptoms could mean pregnancy. I hate it when it doesn't tell me my symptoms could mean pregnancy.I find myself over-analyzing every twinge and cramp and rushing to good o'l Mr. Google for the answer!