Saturday, September 23, 2006

Disbelief

Thank you all for the kind words on the good beta results. I still can't believe it. It feels like a week has gone by since yesterday, like I was living it in slow motion or something. My next beta is set for Monday morning, and I don't know about anything from there. I haven't researched what to expect beyond the first beta since I didn't think I'd be this lucky. Google here I come. I hope the numbers do what they should.

H actually heard the beta results before me--there was a snafu with my lame nurse which is also why we got the call so late. (It's a long story and I'm feeling too good to really bash her right now.)I called my mom and gave her the news as soon as I had talked to H. She was thrilled, and of course I corrected her when she used the p word immediately. I've begged her not to say anything to relatives or make any plans until we progress further...much further. She seemed to understand. She was really sweet though and she sounded like she was crying. It's highly unusual for me to see/hear my mom get emotional, which of course made me even more emotional.

When I got home, H and I went out to dinner to cautiously celebrate. We are afraid of too much optimism, but we also want to have a break from being so miserable. This is the first good sign we've had in a long time--2006 (up to now) and most of 2005 really sucked for us in a lot of different ways. I told H that I thought the results were too good to be true, and he commented that with all the really, really bad luck we'd been having, maybe we were due for something really good. I hope so. I can't help but be excited, and I'm scared.

I feel like I haven't "paid my dues" in this community that has been such a great support for me, and I am acutely aware of how unfair it is that I should get a positive on my first cycle when there are those of you who have been here much longer and deserve it just as much. Now, we all know the sad truth that I could just be headed for a bigger fall than getting a negative would have been if something bad happens with this. But for now, I have to hope that this is real and good news can only help lift everyone's mood a little. On some of my darkest days I have gone to the blogs of those who have been successful to remind myself that this stuff really can help. I hope my news has not hurt anyone. Even with a plus sign, I'm here to stay in the IF world--I know that.

9 comments:

Meg said...

Emmie - Congratulations! I am so happy for you!

deanna said...

Are you kidding? Hearing news like your makes my day!!! I get horribly bogged down sometimes when it seems like there's all this drug-taking and legs-up business going on for nothing. Hearing a success story just reminds me that these formulas really can work. I couldn't be happier to celebrate with you!

Lisa said...

Emmie - You deserve this. Revel in it. Your words, as always, move me. I think one finds out the magnitude of his/her strengh when tested and you and H have certainly been put to one on this IF rollercoaster.
It's probably wise to be cautious in sharing the results at this point, at least until you know more. But at the very least, celebrate with each other. Embrace these feelings, and I sure hope you stay in the IF world with your Blog, now as a mommy to be. You're an inspiration to us all. Warmest wishes.

lola said...

Congratulations on a wonderful beta! I'm hoping that your second is super-high as well.

Don't feel like you haven't "paid your dues" - you deserve it just as much as the rest of us. IF is impossibly hard not matter how long (or short) it takes. Enjoy the excitement of your first beta and just take it day by day.

Wishing you lots of luck!

lola

Sunny said...

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aah0424 said...

Congratulations! I love to hear about people in this community getting positives. It is not a matter of paying dues-you deserve it as much as someone who got pregnant naturally or tried for 10 years. Wishing you lots of luck with your pregnancy and onto parenthood!

StellaNova said...

Woo hoo! I'm so excited for you. And really, anyone who has gone through IVF has certainly paid their dues. You don't do that kind of shit just for fun!!!
Congratulations ...

Hope548 said...

Emmie, I doubt there's anyone who is hurt by your news! You seem like a really cool person who will be a really cool mom! If your beta is good today, you'll have a sonogram in a couple of weeks to make sure all of the necessary components are there and to count! I hope you continue to have good news and a successful and smooth pregnancy. I think you've "paid your dues." If IVF + ICSI isn't paying your dues, I don't know what is! Congratulations again!

NikkiNix said...

U GO GRRL!!
That's what I like to hear :) I really really know what you are feeling so I am sooo thrilled for you guys. Enjoy the moments... they make great memories!!