Wednesday, August 16, 2006


It finally happened. I had a complete and total meltdown in front of other people. I visited my parents over the weekend, and I just lost it. I sobbed uncontrollably about the whole infertility situation, the lack of med coverage, our desperation to start a family. All of it. And my parents had to endure it all. I think I cried for about 5 hours straight and my eyes continued to leak as I tossed and turned at their hourse overnight. We were visiting with them for a little getaway. What a nightmare. The next day my eyes were so swollen I could barely see. I tried to go swimming with them but I felt so awful.

My mom took the whole thing pretty well. She is 100 percent behind my decision to do the IVF cycle and she is very confident it will work. She says she would do the same thing if she were me. She was very good about diffusing my meltdown. My father, on the otherhand, is worried that my meltdown is a sign that the cycle is already affecting me more than it's worth (he was shocked to learn I wasn't taking hormone meds yet, unless you count the pill). He told me that he would be perfectly happy if I chose not to have any kids. In fact, if faced with the same situation, he said he would not do IVF and would live child-free.I know he was only trying to help, but this was not exactly a comforting thing to say to an infertile in meltdown mode, especially when she is your daughter. So, looks like Mom is my new confidante. As her reward for surviving my violently tearful rant, I told her the planned dates of my retrieval and transfer and thoroughly explained the cycle process to her. Let's hope I don't regret that. I told her that I might not want to talk about things with her while they are occurring, and that the more she doesn't ask, the more I'm likely to share. I'm messed up, I know.


Alli said...

Did you feel better after you got it all out? I hope so - good luck with your cycle!

GLouise said...

Sometimes a good cry can be very helpful!

Sorry that your eyes were so swollen though!

Heather said...

No, you aren't weird. I am much more open when I'm not asked. I hope you don't regret telling her either. Aw, I think your Dad was trying. Maybe you can give your Mom some pointers to give him?

I'm glad your Mom was so sweet! It is nice to have someone behind you like that.

Makariya said...

It is great that you have people that you could meltdown in front of. We are still in a kind of "no tell" phase and it is really hard. Everytime someone makes comments about us having children I feel like I', about to have a breakdown there and than. We are planning our IVF/ICSI #1 either August/Sep or Sep/Oct cycle. Good luck.

Hopeful Mother said...

I hope you feel better after venting. I know I felt a tremendous relief after we told our parents. (We told them after our first failed cycle.)

I'm glad your mom reacted well, and your dad is probably just trying to cover all the bases... you know how men can be!

I hope you are hanging in there... we'll be rooting for you along the way!

Hope548 said...

I'm so sorry you had such a rough time at your parents! It all weighs down on you until you break under the pressure from time to time. That is completely normal. I know you're ready to start treatments so you can hopefully make a baby. Just try to do what you can to get mentally and physically ready. As hard as it is, try to go in with a positive attitude and be thankful you have these options that can still make you pregnant!

I know I'm giving you advice and I apologize for that. Treatments are stressful, so it's best to go into it as mentally ready as possible. I know the feelings you're going through! Good luck, I hope things start to feel happier for you very soon! Just know that everyone who reads your post knows you are not crazy or hormonal. Your feelings are completely valid!

Jamie said...

That would be really hard! I can't believe your dad said that. My response would be "can you imagine your life without me?". It is easy for him to say because he has children (you) but when faced at the possiblity of life without children it definitely is not that cut and dry.

I hope that you feel better now that you got that out. You will survive IVF - money worries, hormones and all. The worst part is when it doesn't work. If it would just work I think it would be a good process and I am positive it is about a million times easier than parenthood will be. :)

Lara said...

oh I hate when I meltdown like that. Once I start the waterworks, there's NO STOPPING THEM. All day and all night it'll continue each time I remember how I felt when a part of the convo that started the meltdown occured...its awful!!! I have SO been there girl and it ain't pretty! Glad your Mom was great with it all too!

NikkiNix said...

Heyyy - I think I know how you feel. My mother has all this great chirpy advice and keeps TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!! If yo read my meltdown on dh the other day when he told me I SHOULD FEEL GUILTY - grr! Anyways, Mom started that little meltdown with her chirpy "you need to do this... don;t do this... you hubby is the greatest thing that ever happened to you" etc. blah blah.

Isn't it just frustration that we have to do so much, pay so much, go through so much, and endure so much, and still.. It's a gamble? Isn't that what it's all about - it's just not stinkin' fair!!

I feel it for you sweetie. You really must have needed that cry. Don't be afraid to tell her when to back off though, ok.