Thursday, August 24, 2006

Is it Too Much to Ask...

AF was her usual punctual self, so I called the clinic to set up my ultrasound/Lupron evaluations for bright and early Saturday morning. I’m happy that it’s on a Saturday so that if I find out I have cysts and have to delay, I don’t have to go into work afterwards and be chipper. I’m pretty concerned about cysts, especially since they already saw a little one at my mock transfer a few weeks ago. I just hope everything will be a go and I won’t waste a $50 injection of Gonal F that morning and all that Lupron if I find out we have to wait.

My sister and her husband will be coming over later that day to hang out with us. We planned this months ago, before the cycle, so I didn’t want to cancel. As I mentioned, she is ttc now, and I have been observing her closely for any signs of success, especially since I’ve asked her not to come out and tell me of any news until after my cycle is over. Well, last night my mom must have read my mind. She was telling me about how she and sis had gone bathing suit shopping, and how she got a lot of great ones on sale. I asked if sis had bought any, and she said, “No. She has her period really bad and didn’t want to try any on.” I have to admit, hearing her say that made me sigh in relief. I thought it was funny my mom said something like that, though, because I don’t think she would have normally.

So I tell H that I’m looking forward to sis and her husband coming over, since I won’t be sweating the “is she, isn’t she” question in my drug-riddled mind. H proceeds to tell me, “Maybe your mom just said that, and it’s not really true. Maybe she is pregnant and doesn’t want you to know.” I was aghast. Why would she do that? (And why was H saying this to me?) I yelled at H for putting the thought in my mind. What the hell?
He persisted, saying that she probably was pregnant and “maybe just lied to my mom about her period so she didn’t have to admit it yet.” Again, stop it! H was being really pissy, further making me believe that he was the one experiencing the hormonal effects of IVF by some sort of weird mind/body swap.

We stop talking, and he later tells me that he doesn’t like how I take joy in someone else not getting pregnant. He lectured me that I should be hopeful that my sister succeeds right away so that she doesn’t have to go through IVF.

So now I feel like a complete a**hole. Of course I want my sister to be able to conceive naturally and without too much distress. But my thing is—she’s significantly younger than me. Does she need to be doing this right now, when I’m at my limit and the news will hurt me? She didn’t want kids at all last year this time. I know, I know. Her family building plans are not about me, nor should they be. But we have always had a sibling rivalry thing, and it seems like she is always rushing to keep up with me with marriage, buying a house, and so on. I feel like she rushes her life away sometimes. Just because I do something, doesn’t mean she needs to also do it that very same year, you know?

I can’t be excited for someone to get pregnant off the first few tries right now, and I certainly will have a hard time if that person is one of my main support systems right now. I will be overjoyed if she and I become pregnant at the same time. That would be awesome. But I don’t need to feel this added pressure right now and feelings of inadequacy if she is the first to get pregnant and I don’t succeed at all. H doesn’t understand any of this and just thinks I’m being selfish. Sorry, I’m not as generous as he is to put others ahead of protecting myself right now. He’s always been a better person that me. Maybe this is why I’m going through all this. I have a lot to learn about patience and putting others ahead of myself. Sigh.


Hope548 said...

Your feelings are all completely normal and valid. I would feel exactly the same way, and did when a couple we were very close to and hung out with all the time got pregnant after trying for 2 months and they had only been married for 6 months at the time. She is four years younger than me too. I don't have a sister, but that one hurt almost as if she had been my sister. I had to back off of our relationship for a while, but I recovered.

Of course I backed off again a little later after a failed treatment, but then recovered again. You have to do what you can to preserve yourself. Your feelings and patience are on a short fuse and not surprisingly so. My hubby had a hard time understanding too. The turnaround for him was when we joined a support group and he heard from other couples. He realized I wasn't crazy! I highly recommend it.

Heather said...

I don't think it makes him a better person than you. He isn't the one injecting hormones into his body everyday and having it completely jacked with. The guys get off easy and I think they forget how actually stressful and horrible it is for the woman. You ARE a good person and I am pretty sure I would feel exactly the same way if I were in your shoes. Don't beat yourself up over not being in the same place he is - he may be on the same journey as you but he is definitely not having the same experience as you.

Even if your mom wasn't being honest, she said it to make you feel better and protect you - that is what moms do. I'm sure she didn't do it to be mean. Maybe your sister really is having AF and she just wanted to reassure you...either way, hope you have a good visit with your sister - and NO shocking news.

Motel Manager said...

None of this means you're a bad is all totally normal. Of course you don't want her to have to go through a huge ordeal to get pregnant, but that doesn't mean you have to actively want her to get pregnant immediately, either. To make a ridiculous analogy: do cancer patients have to walk through each day being actively glad that none of their friends fall ill with cancer?

I know infertility isn't the same thing as cancer, but it also isn't the same thing as, like, being happy that your friend won a free gym membership when you might have liked one, too. It's much bigger than that and you can't layer a bunch of guilt about how you should react on top of all the other pain you're feeling. I have definitely been relieved on occasion that someone wasn't pregnant when I had to hang out with them.

Alli said...

Wow - we are on the same page. In the interest of self-preservation, I totally agree with you. You have to protect yourself. My husband and I are having the same conversations about my cousin right now, who was randomly knocked up by some guy who stole money from her dad, stole her car, and disappeared. DH wants me to be happy for her (she and her parents are thrilled) but I am broken hearted that we have tried so hard and she just immediately got pregnant. Ugh. Anyway, I feel your pain.

JennyK said...

You're not an asshole. I still harbor a bit of peevishness towards my best friend who conceived her DD on the "first try" while it took DH & I over a year. THEN she told me about their success *before* she knew I was also pg. Thank God I was, or I'm not sure our friendship would have survived.

Add the element of sibling rivalry to the mix and things are even more likely to get hinky. Why H would even start on the whole "maybe she lied" crap is beyond me. Hopefully he'll get a clue soon. *big hugs* I hope this is all moot.

GLouise said...

Your husband is a hoot! Are you sure he isn't being injected with the lupron, too? LOL

I really doubt your mom would lie to you so blatantly, esp about your sister's period. Rest assured, her auntie is visiting. :-)

Sunny said...

You know your sweet dh needs to shut his little mouth and just be there for you without the commentary. He hurts but I really don't think they get the full picture being the woman having all the things done to our bodies. You do what you have to do to protect yourself. I can't even count how many times I thought bad things about people when they got pregnant or were trying. I didn't really mean any of it but I sort of did. I just wanted them to try to begin to understand where I was in all of this. Selfish, yes, but so true.

I am sorry you are where you are right now with all this going through your mind. I dont' know how many times I have played pregnant detective. I know my friends must think I am a nut. I really hope your sister isn't pregnant and that you can be the one to make that first announcement and she can follow right behind.


ellie said...

Wow, all the complexity of the family dymanics with hormones kicking in. Are you sure that DH isn't on the hormones too? I can see his point that you wouldn't really want anyone else to go through IF of any kind- I mean it is painful and I really would not wish it on anyone. On the other hand it is painful listening to all the friends and family members that are getting pregnant without trying and really there is no good way to learn about it. I don't think guys get this part b/c they don't know that we look at other women and feel as though there is something wrong with us.

Melissa said...

Ugh...Men expect us to be superheros...Mine does the same thing..He even guilted me into going to his friend's wife's baby shower a year or so ago...I hardly know her and was feeling pretty down about our IF and he made me go. He made me feel like the words biggest jerk. And the other day we were in the store and he told me the same couple is pregnant with #2 and I said I won't go to her shower this time. His response was "Mel, are you going into that phase again where you're mad at the world?" I'm thinking HELLO! How does this not affect you? grrrrr...Anyway...I feel your pain sistah! And I doubt she's pg......:)