Thursday, November 02, 2006

A Reminder of What IF Has Done to Me

I am a wreck right this self-pitying post only if you are in the mood to stomach it.

I've been trying my very best to keep my chin up about my sister's natural pregnancy and her treatment of it. I like my sister a lot these days. I haven't always. In fact, I pretty much despised her until we were both married. She has always known how to hit a nerve in me that sends me to my absolute darkest. It hasn't helped that my parents treat her so much better than they treat me.

Well, she's not doing it on purpose right now, but she is the reason for my meltdown. She is exactly 2 and a half weeks behind me, and she has now told EVERYONE we know that she is pregnant. At first she told me she was just going to tell immediate family when she told me at 5 weeks, but turns out, she told all her friends at 5 weeks 1 day. Now, she's a little more than 7 weeks, and everyone knows. And just about no one knows about my pregnancy. So considering I'm ahead of her and doing the first trimester wait, I feel like this is bullshit. Especially when she knows how scared I am yet eager to tell people. When I DO tell family and friends, I feel like the fact that she told weeks ago will just further emphasize that all was not business as usual with my pregnancy.

But this isn't even why I'm so upset right now. I'm upset because she said the words "joint baby shower" to me tonight, implying that that was what my mom was planning to host for us. No effin way. This may be petty and selfish and something my friends cycling right now don't need to hear me whine about, but WHAT THE HELL? Why can't I have a moment of my own, especially after all the suffering H and I went through to get here? Why can't my mom and sister be sensitive to that? They're just thinking about what will be convenient for them. I think it's ridiculous. I have tons of friends. I can only hope one of them will hear of this from someone and step up to stop it. What a pathetic jerk I'm being, but I can't help it. My family never puts my feelings first. Ever. Never have. It's always been about my sister. When my sister first found out I was pregnant, one of the first things she said was how she couldn't wait to throw me a shower. Well, now with her pregnancy, obviously she'd rather just leave it up to my mom. And my mom will throw the same kind of gathering for me that she always throws--one that is all about what she wants. Which means at her house, even though she's an hour and a half away from me, my friends, and the entire rest of our family. And we'll have the deli lunch meat platter that she always gets, even though pregnant people can't eat that (my sister tells me how she's been eating lunch meat and it's just fine. Fool won't listen to me). It goes on and on. Just a reminder that I have some serious family issues. For as much as I complain about H's family, mine has been pretty crappy to me in the past too. I just haven't put it all out there because I feel so guilty. But why? They never seem to feel guilty for hurting me. Oh, I need therapy fast...

Is it ridiculous to be this upset about a shower at just shy of 11 weeks? Absolutely. I'm a nut case. Something could go wrong tomorrow and I'll be wishing to have the chance back to have the joint shower at all. But I just needed to come here and indulge my hurt feelings for a bit.

When I spoke my loud protest to a joint shower and even a mom-hosted shower, my sister just clammed up and got off the phone with me pretty fast afterwards. This is obviously not something she's going to back me on. Considering my twins will likely come early (like May 1) and she's not due until June 15, I don't see how a joint shower even makes sense logistically. I'll either be so far along that I won't be able to make the trip or my sister will have a long way yet to go when we have it. I had intended on hosting my sister's shower at my house as long as I didn't need bed rest. I guess that's not up to me if mom is taking over.

If it weren't for IF, I'd have already been through a pregnancy and wouldn't have this ultimate test of sibling rivalry to even deal with. I wouldn't be so apprehensive. I wouldn't be so needy. I just feel like my feelings have been stepped on too much.

Off to dry my tears before H gets home. Not sure how he'll react to this one. He'll probably call me crazy. But he knows what my family does to me, so maybe he'll understand. I hope you do too. If not, my chin will be back up tomorrow and I'll just keep focus on the most important thing--the babies. Who cares if I even have a shower, right? The babies are what matter. Maybe I'll just say I don't want a shower at all.


Lara said...

Having a joint shower probably seems like a great idea because of the timing of things right now. However, I bet when you're further along and especially since you have twins and will probably deliver early I bet the idea won't come to pass. Give it time. I think it's SHITTY for them to even consider a joint shower. Every girl needs her time to shine ALL BY HERSELF in the spotlight. I don't think you're being ridiculous AT ALL. The other day my sister said something about she thought she was prego (but ended up not being thank god). I felt a pit in my stomach the minute she said it. She already has 2 and is clearly fertile. I've been doing the IVF/IUI thing for a LOOOONG time and she knows it. She made a comment "KILL ME NOW IF I'M PREGNANT AGAIN". On one hand I would be VERY upset if she was pregnant because I'm trying to do that right now so desperately and she doesn't even WANT another baby and made that comment KNOWING how much I do want one. GRRR!! OK how did this story get into this comment? I don't know! Maybe it's just a sister thing and I was trying to point out that sibling rivalry can get the best of any of us!

Suzanne said...

That's crappy, you're totally justified in wanting your own shower. I wish your family was better to you.

Heather said...

Please stop. You keep putting down your feelings. If you feel them, they are valid, they are real. You don't have to justify them to anyone.

I think I would feel the exact same way. Those are your precious miracles and they deserve their own shower and time to shine! Besides, you are having two and she is only having one - you definitely need twice the gifts and cute outfits and moments in the spot light.

On the flip side - your sister is deserving of her own shower too. Maybe if you put it that way to them they might go with it? That you want your niece/nephew to have a grand shower of their own because you are happy for her (even if you aren't right then)... Just a thought.

Hepzibah said...

I had a mother like that as well - totally insensitive about others - always thinking what is expedient and convienent for herself. It tore me up every time I was with her. One visit with my mother - and I would spend weeks recovering.

Now, I have been immunized. No matter how much time I spend with her or what my mother does, I no longer get the emotional sickness of the past. Not only that, since she has perceived that I have changed - she has changed. There are times when we actually enjoy each other, and it is about time since I am 54 and she is 73.

I shall tell you the secret - take the immunization - it is called
"Forgive her".

Forgiveness is not a feeling - it is a decision - and when you decide to forgive, healing begins.

The Forgiveness of one mind heals two hearts. May God bless you indeed.

Motel Manager said...

I think your feelings are totally valid. I also think that it's weird for your sister to be spreading the news so early...even for a fertile, that's pretty aggressive. I hope for her sake that her pregnancy is smooth.

I would want my own shower, too. And, hell - you're having twins! So if you guys do a joint shower, people will have to come up with three gifts on that day, which seems like a bit much. I like Heather's idea of saying you want to throw your sister her own shower, and maybe that will give her the hint.

Melissa said...

Grrr...I have the same relationship with my sister. She's always been the closer one with my parents and my siblings (except for my twin) and it was always so frustrating. Then, I went and married someone NOT of my family's "faith" and that put the icing on the cake. It has not been pretty and she's gotten pg twice since I've been trying. I know it hurts. And it really sucks for you Emmie. Please know that your feelings are legit...Don't disregard that and think you're being selfish. You'r right-you worked hard to get to this point and you want that to be recognized and you want YOUR time. Totally understandable. I'd be having the same issue. I hope this finds a way to resolve itself. And thanks for the advice on the sperm issue! :) Good luck Emmie!

GLouise said...

Ai yi yi!

I would be TOTALLY annoyed. Not to mention, it is really early to even start thinking about baby showers. Most people I know don't have a shower til about 6 weeks away from the due date (of course, you'll prob want yours before that since you are carrying twins).

I would ask your sister how she would have felt about having a "double wedding." Not too many people like sharing the limelight.

AND I think it is a bit much to ask guests to bring THREE presents. And it could get really confusing, which gift goes home with whom.

AND do you guys have the EXACT same friends?

AND... your mother really should not be planning a shower for either daughter, if she wants to get really technical. It should be given by a friend of the family, otherwise it looks like a little funny. Tell her to read up on Emily Post. Grandmothers to be should only host showers if there are extenuating circumstances or if a family friend won't step up to do the job.

Huge hugs!!!! This too shall pass.

Hope548 said...

I don't think you're crazy at all. There's a lot of deep-seated emotions involved with lots of history. I think you should just be honest about it. With all the friends you have, surely someone else will throw you a shower! I'm sorry this is so upsetting and I hope things settle down again soon.

Chas said...

A joint shower is not a good idea...truth is that people will be less likely to spend as much money on a gift if they have to buy two at the same time. Plus, what about the people that only want to buy you something??? I know I wouldn't have stood for it when I was pregnant. We have very similar ttc stories; I just found your blog today. Good luck!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Emmie! That sucks! And with twins for crimeny's sake, you need your own shower! Hello!

Your dates are far enough apart w/her being in the middle of June that it isn't unreasonable to want one of your own.

I could write a post similar to that about my own sister who is 20 and currently studying in London, so not married or pg, but the feelings you described are so close to my own!

Stick to your guns on this one - I think you are perfectly within reason to want this. It hasn't been an easy road, to say the least. {{hugs}}

Em said...

You make sure you have your own baby shower! You deserve attention solely on you for this one!

Hopeful Mother said...

I like GLouise's suggestion "How would you feel about a shared wedding?"

You should stick up for yourself and your feelings. You (and your sister) deserve your own *separate* time in the sun!