Thursday, November 09, 2006

Follow Ups

I’m 11 weeks and 3 days. It feels like it’s been an eternity of waiting to feel “safe” in this pregnancy. This week H and I started telling close friends the news, and H has told all his colleagues. He was so excited about telling people, it was sweet. Today I have a meeting with my manager (who just returned from her maternity leave) and I plan on telling her the news for planning purposes. It’s earlier than I’d like, but I’m showing already. I guess the fact that I’m small combined with the twin factor will do that. This week I finally started feeling comfortable that this pregnancy might actually stick. And then I read Motel Manager’s post about her friend’s baby, whose heartbeat stopped at 10 weeks. It makes me want to crawl into a hole and not come out.

My next ultrasound is in a little less than two weeks (right before Thanksgiving), so now I’m questioning whether I should see the babies again before telling more people. Anything can happen in two weeks. But if I lost these babies now, it’s not like I could pretend it never happened...like they never existed. So I think I will proceed, with very cautious optimism, and allow myself to feel good about this whole thing. With a huge heap of worry on the side.

I saw the breast specialist Monday, and she only did an ultrasound, saying she would never do a mammogram on a pregnant woman unless she really had a good reason. She wasn’t concerned so much about the right side being larger than the left since they’ve always been that way, but she was concerned about the mysterious redness I have on the right side. She and the tech spent a really long time scanning my breast—a disturbing long time in which they said nothing, thereby freaking me out even more. Ultimately though, they said they saw absolutely nothing that would make them want to do a mammogram right now. They said the redness would normally be a symptom of infection, but they found no evidence of infection. It’s not sore, so they just said to keep an eye on it and let them know if it does suddenly start to hurt. I felt relieved, sort of.

Following up from the weekend, we haven’t heard from H’s parents at all. I really appreciate the supportive comments from everyone--everything that happened was so draining. On Sunday, going home, I felt pretty good about how we had handled things. I felt like we put it all out there, so now if they continue to hurt us they will have no excuse whatsoever and we can pull away from them without feeling guilty. H was still handling it pretty hard though, and he was depressed about it a lot this week. He was going on about how he hates his parents, and I was actually the one to say--don’t say that. I figure they get this last chance and then that’s it. I’ll never be crazy about his family or totally forget all of this, but for the sake of H and our kids I do want things to work out. We’re never going to be that close with them--they’ve violated our trust too many times now--but I at least want to be able to visit with them without dreading every moment.

I’m trying really, really hard to stop letting other people get to me so much, between the in-laws and my sister/parent situation. I just want to enjoy this time for what it is, H and I preparing to welcome two new members to our family. I got more joint-shower vibes from my mom but chose to let it go. Turns out my one close friend who knows about our treatment wants to throw my shower--she randomly brought it up to me yesterday and she doesn’t even know about my sister’s pregnancy and my whole joint shower meltdown. Problem solved. H gets to deal with telling my mom. She’ll put up a fuss for sure, but it’s not her decision. Seriously, I need to stop worrying about these little things and what everybody else thinks and wants to do.

7 comments:

Heather said...

I'm so glad that they aren't worried...that is good. Hopefully the redness will go away and it will clear up.

My assvice: Enjoy it. Tell everyone. Like you said, these babies need to be acknowledged. They are real, they exist, they are your miracles.

Michelle said...

Emmie - Such good news that the doctors aren't concerned! What a relief.

As for telling people, I understand your apprehension, but it sounds like this is the right decision for you and H. My own thinking is that anyone who I feel like I'm telling "early" (and you're right on the cusp of when many people start to tell the whole wide world) would be someone that I would tell if something happened to the pregnancy. And yes, bad things can happen, but don't focus on that possibility. You're 11 weeks and 3 days pregnant -- congratulations!!!

aah0424 said...

Wow, time sure flies! I check in from time to time and I can't believe you are already 11 weeks. I think you should tell people. Like you said if you lost them now you could pretend you were never pregnant. Good luck with everything!

Motel Manager said...

I hope the redness goes away...the silent ultrasound must have been unnerving!

Congrats on making it nearly 12 weeks so far. That's great!!

Suzanne said...

I have the very same feelings about telling people and we're just a few days apart in how far along we are. But, I keep telling myself the case where people see no heartbeat at 10 weeks or 14 weeks or whatever are by far the exception than the rule - which is true. It's horrible and it does happen but it's not the norm.

As far as the breast thing is concerned, my mom had something similar last year - redness and soreness and her doctor sent her to a surgeon who freaked her out by saying it was probably one of two kinds of breast cancer. In the end the biopsy showed only inflammatory tissue and they said she must have bumped it or something (even though she doesn't remember doing anything) and she's had no issues since. So it's probably something as innocuous as that.

Lara said...

Another option for your shower situation is to let your Mom throw the joint shower AND let your friend throw your PRIMARY SHOWER. A lot of people have more than one! Besides didn't you say your mom lived far from all your friends and you? Might be a good option and noone gets upset.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that's great that they were so thorough, but how nervewracking! Yikes!

You are within the zone! That is exciting - glad you guys are having fun telling people. Twins! That is amazing.