Thursday, October 26, 2006

Been Working...

Hooray for UtRus, who looks to have double passengers inside! I hope the next few weeks are a smooth ride for you and you see those hearts beating nice and strong!

I’ve been silent lately because I am less than one week away from having to turn in the biggest piece of academic writing in my life—the master’s thesis. I’m so close to finishing, so I don’t know why I want to just quit and crawl into bed. I guess the final details are always painful. I’ll just be so happy when I am done. Then I feel like I’ll really be able to take a deep breathe and celebrate everything going on in my life.

I still can’t believe things in my life have taken such a change for the better. My symptoms are still pretty minimal—a few food aversions, occasional super nose moments, sore boobs, some minor tummy pangs, a lot of increased fatigue—but overall I feel just fine. If I didn’t feel so well, I don’t know how I would be able to finish my thesis. Thank you, God. Meanwhile my sister remains hunched over a toilet at 7 weeks. Since I’m still not openly talking about my condition, my mom fills the gap by constantly talking about my sister and how sick she feels. My mom seems a little disappointed each time she asks how I feel and I say fine. Like it means I’m not as pregnant as her or something. I guess it just gives her less to talk about. My sister’s next doctor appointment isn’t until mid-November, while I will have 2 appointments, maybe more, before then. It’s so interesting how different our pregnancies will be.
While it does suck to have this little competition thing going on between me and my sister, as the co-pregnancies are bringing up a lot of hurt feelings I’ve always had about how my parents treat my sister differently than me, I do have to remind myself of how very, very lucky I am to have gotten my BFP on this cycle. If I hadn’t, and my sister was pregnant, I think it would have sent me over the edge. I wouldn’t be able to be a good sport about it. I wouldn’t be able to listen to my mom talk about it. I would just have to hang it up and move to a remote island for a few years. It is a true miracle that I was spared this pain. I’m a little disappointed in myself for having these feelings and not being able to be stronger about IF. I think it’s probably time for me to start seeking some counseling so that I can resolve a lot of issues I have before the babies are here (which I hope they both will be, safe and sound). I’m so scared of losing them. I want to learn how to handle my fears and prevent them from overtaking me so that I can be the best mom possible. This will be my focus after next week…

My peri appointment is Monday and my first appointment with the new OB is Tuesday. I can’t wait to see the little guys (or gals) again. Will check in with news after that.

5 comments:

Hopeful Mother said...

Congratulations on finishing up your master's thesis. It is truly a gift from God that you have been well enough to finish it!

I think your mom is just looking for conversation topics, and with you not being sick, she doesn't know what else to talk about! I think you're doing a good job not letting it get to you. Keep letting it out on your blog! And you're right, focussing on how bad it would have been if your sis had been pregnant and you weren't probably helps get you through. Counseling is a great idea too.

I'm excited to hear how things are going for your little ones... keep us posted!

Hope548 said...

Good luck with finishing up your thesis! How lucky that your health is holding out for you to do that! I think the feelings you're having are completely natural and it sounds like you're dealing with them well. You're a bigger person than all of that, and with a little counseling, I'm sure you could completely let it go! I just hope your mother treats her grandchildren equally well!

Isabel said...

I know how you feel with your mom and your sister. Your posts about it have really touched a nerve.

My mom talks constantly about my sister. They live a few streets from each other and talk or see each other every day. My mom gives her an allowance even though she's married into a wealthy family. It's great that they have a good relationship but it's always been like this, as long as I can remember. My way of dealing with it is just avoiding my mom. That's the best I can do. The closest we ever got to discussing this issue is when my sister had a hard time bonding with her autistic daughter: my mom said she regretted that we had never 'bonded'. I'll never understand how she can go through life day by day and not see how differently she treats us.

Sunny said...

YEAH to almost being finished!!!!

Your thoughts aren't crazy. You have been on a hard stressful road. It is so normal.

HUGS!

StellaNova said...

Keep going ... only a small hill to climb now. Sometimes it seems like the hardest one of all, but when you reach the top, the view's spectacular.