Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Seeking Help

I really, really appreciate the outpouring of responses to my last post. Yes, I feel this bad quite frequently, but things overall are getting better. I feel even worse for admitting how bad I feel, because ultimately, the most important thing of all in my whole pregnancy/birthing experience DID go right... I have two very healthy babies, even if they do cry a lot and aren't sleeping through the night, unlike all the babies my friends have just delivered. (I think there is this conspiracy amongst some new mothers (especially the fertile ones who were so good at making you feel like shit during your fertility treatments) to make you feel like you and your baby are complete failures compared to them...will explain later.)

I thank God every day that it was me in the hospital and not the babies, and that it was my life on the line, not theirs. My heart goes out to those people who went through what I did and lost their baby on top of it...I am so, so sorry. Knowing how lucky I am to have my babies makes me feel even worse for struggling so much right now. It's time I sought some help, for real, because I don't want my memories of my boys' first year overshadowed by depression. I'm glad to hear about the preeclampsia site and will be heading that way...the problem always is finding the time. Somehow, I need to make the time to get the support I need.

Talking to other mothers in "real life" just isn't cutting it right now. Every time I talk to the neighbor of mine down the street who had twins three weeks before me, she makes me feel like slitting my wrists. You know, I thought I'd have the perfect friend in her--we're both raising twins the same age, we both had c-sections, and we both have to have our abdominal muscles repaired at some point this year. Well, I call her to commiserate on how rough some of the nights have been lately, and when she asks how I'm doing and I tell her how exhausted I am all the time, she says in a snooty voice..."Really? And you have help at home!" (Referring to our au pair) Yeah, well, the au pair isn't working the night shift and mainly right now her job is to be with the babies while I go to my upteen million doctor's appointments because in case you've forgotten I almost died, Be-otch!!! (This is all said in my head, of course). When I tell her how the au pair stays with the babies while I'm at the doctor's, she actually chastised me for not bringing them out with me!!!!! She told me I had to get used to bringing them out sooner or later. Hello? Why would I want to bring them to germy doctor offices? And no, I don't need to take them out if I don't want to. I think it's more important they have a good schedule at home with their naps, thank you. Compound this by how she expressed shock that I was planning to go back to work (her words--"do you think the au pair will really be able to give your babies the attention and care that you would give them?") and then her bragging about how her babies always nap perfectly in their crib twice a day and that I better make mine do it now or I'll be sorry, and you can see why I might feel a little down about myself. With friends like that, who needs enemies, right? Would you believe she actually ended the conversation by suggesting we get together for a play date soon? Ha! So, sometimes it seems that when I reach out to talk to people, I only end up feeling much, much worse. As far as the other twin mom, her husband tells me that things are not nearly as perfect at home with their twins as she likes to suggest. Go figure.

I applaud all you mothers out there in blgland, both fertile and infertile, who can be honest about how tough all this is. Thank you for being there.


Suzanne said...

Ok, I only have ONE baby born right after your little guys and some days I am utterly overwhelmed. If I'm lucky my husband will entertain her for a half hour or so and I can shower or eat. If I'm really really lucky I get a whole hour and get to go for a run. She won't nap in her crib longer than 30 minutes and last night was up every two hours. And my nanny started today so I can go back to work tomorrow, that should be fun with no sleep.

One of my closest friends has twins and literally every time I talk to her I say "I don't know how you did it." I am amazed at women who have twins or other multiples, I really cannot imagine how hard that would be.

Don't let the other mom get to you. Unfortunately I think that other mothers are the most judgmental lot in the universe and lots of them feel like child rearing is some sort of competition.

You're doing a great job and don't let some dumb cow make you feel otherwise.

Motel Manager said...

Hi, Emmie - I just read this and your last post. I am so sorry you're going through so much AND that you have to listen to the Stepford neighbor talk about how perfect everything is. I think she's full of sh*t, but even if her life IS that lovely, she should know better than to brag.

You have been through so much that it would be shocking if you DIDN'T have these feelings. For what it's worth, I've been going to a psychiatrist for therapy (and, if needed, meds (though I haven't pulled the trigger on those yet)) since before my son was born, and I find it to be very helpful. You probably don't need another doctor's appointment in your schedule, but if you have the time, that kind of support and the knowledge that I can get meds if needed is a great relief to me.

As someone who had an uncomplicated delivery and one baby and still whines, I really admire your strength and your perserverance. I hope your health continues to improve, the anxiety abates, and your little boys get easier every day. Just because you had to go through so much to get here doesn't mean you have to embrace every difficulty with a smile. I think you have MORE of a right to vent than all those silly fertiles out there. :)

Lots of hugs!

Jamie said...

It sounds like the neighbor twin mom is really jealous of the fact that you have an au pair. Is she planning to return to work and send her children to daycare? Is he planning to stay home? Is she spending long days at home alone with her babies? Sounds like pure jealousy to me -- and her way of protecting herself is to make it sound like everything is peaches and cream in her own life. NO ONE's life is all lovey all the time so don't believe anyone who tries to make you feel that way.

Kirsten said...

Oh yes, I am glad we have met!! I need to go back and read up on your story but I can already tell we have so much in common. I totally agree with you wanting to keep your twins home to get them on schedule...that is my main goal right now because I feel it's the one thing that will give me some of my sanity back!!! I think you & I are feeling the same and misery loves company, right!?!?! I'm also planning to go back to work at some point and have been told by several people how wrong that decision is...but I have to, it's just who I am.
Well, I am going to read more on your blog and I am sure I'll have lots more to say to you but, for now, just know that I'm in the boat with you and we'll get through this!!!

luolin said...

Emmie, You're not alone. I can't tell you how many mother's blogs I have read telling how overwhelmed they were at first. And most of the mothers of twins I read barely blogged at all for the first months or more. The good news is that it seems to getter better for most people.

Sunny said...

Stupid woman! HUGS!

GLouise said...

What a be-otch neighbor! Yikes!

I agree with Jamie. I think the neighbor is jealous that you have an au pair! And she is passive aggressive to boot! Oy!!

Michelle said...

I'm just going to echo what's already been said here. UGH, Em, I am so sorry that you're dealing with all this BS from people you're hoping will be there to support you, on top of all that you've been through. I agree - the neighbor is dealing with her own issues/insecurities/jealousies and isn't ready to be real with you. It's too bad. Maybe down the road she'll be in a different place, and you can be friends then. I'm sorry. And someone (H?) should gently remind your family that comparisons to your sister's kid are NOT helpful. Double ugh.

I agree with MM - I suspect the last thing you want right now is another doctor's appt - but if you're not seeing someone to address your mental health, I think it would be a great idea. Like she said, having one baby and an uncomplicated delivery is hard enough. Even just getting a script for antidepressants to get you through this rough patch - but do take care of your mental/emotional as well as physical self. (((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

Hi there...I am from the PF and read your posts. Every feeling that you are having is OK...you have been through alot and the important thing is that you are validating your feelings and letting them out. About your neighbor, when I was reading about her, I was laughing to myself. Give me a break, sounds like she is trying to talk herself into everything being perfect. The one thing that I have learned since having children is to never ever chastise another mother for their parenting example.."my baby NEVER does that..or my baby sleeps through the night..blah blah blah." Because it always comes back to bite them in the a**. I bet by next week, her babies will be up every hour too! I hope that you can take what she says with a grain of salt and not let her comments get under your skin...very inappropriate and rude, considering what you have been through!
You can always talk to the docs that you already are seeing (rather than having to go to another) about how you are feeling...they are usually more than happy to help out, even if it is not their "specialty" And I don't blame you for not wanting to take the babies to your appts with you...they don't need the germy exposure!
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Hang in there and keep your head up! I know, easier said than done :) Sending you good vibes!

hope548 said...

One thing throughout infertility that is so hard to do is to not judge your life by someone else's. I always find myself thinking things like "they haven't even been married as long we we've been ttc, why are they pregnant and I'm not?" Her experience is only like yours in a few ways. She hasn't been through nearly what you've been through. She doesn't have to work through all the emotions you have about almost dying. Shame on her for braggging. I think she's full of shit too!

I think being a mother for the first time... to twin boys... after almost dying is probably one of the most challenging things you could be going through. You went through a lot to get here, and I know it's going to get easier and better as things normalize. You will have that normal life eventually. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. That's another thing infertility has taught me, your feelings are your feelings and you can't help it. Don't judge yourself.

You're going to be a terrific mom. You're still learning and adjusting. Do what works for your life, not someone else's. And for goodness sake, stop talking to your neighbor if she is hurting you so much, or tell her. She's being a totally inconsiderate know-it-all in my book.

I hope some of that is helpful and not assvice!! Take care and good luck!

Jacquie said...

After reading your last 2 post I can't help but think you have been thru SO much it is no wonder you are feeling the way you are.

I think the best thing you can do is recognize you are feeling unsettled? Is that the right word.

To have been thru what you have and to get to this point, I have to say amazes me. You by far have had no simple pregnancy AND birth.

To "wonder woman" down the street um she needs to walk a mile in your shoes before she starts beaking off. Seriously who would take their babies to a, like you said germy Dr's office unless it was absolutely necessary??

My youngest DD is now 2 and she finally started sleeping thru the night about 6months ago. I dare type that I did let her "cry it out" (some would shun me) but I mean she didn't really need that bottle in the middel of the night, it was just a bad habit she had.

I really think your boys will settle into their thing when well it happens. People have to remember that they were affected by your illness too. Kudos to all that hepled with them after they were born, that was awesome. But they needed there Mommy too and you were battling a very brave battle and couldn't be there. This has been an unsettling journey for all of you.

I hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries here. My hope for you is that things settle in for you and you find your peace with things.

Jennifer said...

in my blog i talk about how hard twins are all the time. motherhood is not as easy as i thought it would be. my twins are 12 weeks now and they are not "easy" either. It was so ridiculously difficult in the beginning. it still is hard and i have a nanny. some days i am so filled with resentment. i would never change having them both but i still complain, bitch, cry, etc. so many sleep deprived nights. and i would wake in the morning and think i can't handle this.

you are not alone, remember that. and ignore the comparing women. our babies might not hit milestones at the same time ( which is why there is a range of time for milestones...) but when they are 16 I am sure they will ALL be on the same page. those type of women, like your neighbor, they strike me as so insecure and insincere. they feel better anout themselves when they can contrive things in their heasds to make it seem liek they are doing a better job than you. sad.

by the way, there are no capital letters bec. i am typing with one hand while holding a cranky, fussy, should-be-sleeping baby.

The Town Criers said...

Those mothers need a large smack from the sisterhood. First of all, anyone who is chirping that life with their twins is easy-peasy at a few weeks/months of age is a LIAR. Everyone has a struggle--if it's not sleeping, it's eating. If it's not eating, it's milestones. I think people who make you feel like shit about your choices (which you should not feel like shit about--I think you sound smart) are feeling insecure themselves and need to put you down in order to feel good. Blech.

Bella said...

Emmie, I haven't posted in awhile because who can make it to the computer these days! I had my twin boys on 5/10 and they are both screamers who don't sleep. I'm in way over my head, but I'm managing the best I can, as you are. Keep it up, sweetie you really are doing great!