Monday, December 10, 2007

Another Day

No fear--I'm not leaving my blog. I guess the conflict is really internal. How do I come here and vent about stuff when the most important fact remains...I have two wonderful, healthy children. Can't that be enough?

When do the bouts of depression go away? When do I start living my life like I actually enjoy it?

I thought I was doing a lot better. I even thought I might quit the therapy, as it really doesn't seem like much goes on in my sessions.

But then I had a really bad day, which turned into a bad weekend, which now promises to turn into a bad week. I'm consumed by this black cloud of misery.

It started when insurance denied my claim. I'm mustering up the effort to appeal but I haven't gotten that far yet. I'm just so emotionally tired. Then it got worse when I dented my car last week on a pole in a parking garage. One second of carelessness is going to cost me $1,000 in repairs. There goes my Xmas bonus. There goes trying to restore some of my depleted savings. There goes saving towards my surgery which I doubt will get covered even after an appeal. G--d---it!!! When am I going to get a break?

And the one voice in my head did get a break. You have two healthy sons. You're here for yet another day. Yes, money is tight, but you can pay your bills. You have a good job. A good spouse. A spouse who has a good job. Why are you complaining?

Why?--my other voice replies. Because I'm surrounded by friends and family who have been through none of these problems and have all the same things I've had to fight almost to death for. Do I begrudge them their good fortune? No, of course not. I'm just mad at the universe. I'm stuck in a cycle of "Why Me????" Why does everything have to be so hard for me. I've had a string of bad luck for the past 2 years now and I'm waiting for the universe to just let up on me for a little bit. Cut me a break. Send a few pick-me-ups my way. Something. Anything to say, yes, things have been tough lately, but it's nothing personal. Good stuff will still happen for you, too. All this suffering will balance out.

Or is this suffering just the tip of the iceburg? Things could get so much worse. I could just use a little coddling right now, universe. If you don't mind.

1 comment:

Rememberella said...

Emmie. You really have been through so much.

I remember reading somwhere recently that actually, physically, hardship actually makes us weaker, not stronger. It's no wonder you are finding it hard to cope. I'd like to remind you that you almost died this year!!

Don't be hard on yourself. You are allowed to take your time in recovering xxxx Hugs x