Tuesday, September 18, 2007

One Year Later

A year ago I was in 2WW hell, about to find out that I was pregnant. Looking at my posts from that period, I was much more in control and on top of things than I feel now, even though I remember vividly what a difficult time it was. I was propelled with the hope of what could be even though I was scared. Now that I've faced almost losing my life and all chances at having a normal child-bearing experience, I find I'm a very different person. I'm tired. I am so very grateful for my two babies, but I am so tired emotionally.

Things are getting better with the babies every day, but in some ways I know I'll never heal from this experience. I called my uberfertile former best friend last week, who just had her second unplanned baby. She joyfully recounted how easy the birthing process was. Four pushes and he was out! She complained about all the little sleeping noises and grunts he makes and matter-of-factly stated that she puts him on his stomach to sleep because he gets more rest that way. The poor thing is only 2 weeks old and she's putting him on his stomach to sleep. Um, hello, you do know about SIDS, right? She answers that she did this with her first baby and she survived.

Now when people ask me if I plan on having more kids, I simply answer that I can't. The chance of HELLP recurring is too high so the doctors have forbidden it. You wouldn't believe the pity I see on people's faces. It surprises me. I'm an infertile with no hope of treatment now, and knowing there's nothing I can do about it does give me an odd sense of calm. Granted, I'm still pissed off that I can't get pregnant like most women I know, but that desperate longing I once felt is gone. I've had my experience, and while it wasn't a smooth ride at the end, I got to feel what it's like to grow two little people. Now I just need to accept that I have a body that failed its job in delivering and feeding those two little people, and that jackasses like my former best friend will always make me feel the sting of the injustice of it all.


Jamie said...

I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering when you would post again. :)

How are things going with the au pair and returning to work? Will you bless the blogosphere with some pictures of the little guys at some point? :)

All of the shit that you went through definitely is not fair and some people will just never get that.

I hope that with time you are able to look back at the whole experience and see that while it did change you and in some ways scarred you forever that the changes were good things. It probably won't be until much farther down the road when you can really look back and reflect on everything (when things calm down - if that is possible with twins) but I really do hope that for you.

Jacquie said...

That's terrible to have had a friend like that!

I guess that old saying "with friends like that who needs enemies? seems fitting.

After the journey you have been on, the bumpy road you have traveled I am in awe at your wonderful spirit.

I guess when you look at your sons you must feel like ok it was worth it.

Anonymous said...

Emmie, not that you really want to entertain the possibility at the moment, but MFMs who work in hypertensive pregnancy explicitly might give you different advice about concieving again. Particularly if only one embryo is transferred, since multiples raise the risk of preeclampsia by rather a lot.

As I understand it the risk of HELLP recurring is steady at 5%. Women with a history of HELLP have a higher risk of preeclampsia, but not necessarily an elevated risk of HELLP.

If (and that's a big, big if and I am not trying to encourage you) you do ever decide to think of trying again for another pregnancy, I'd suggest a consult with one of the Preeclampsia Foundation's Experts.

(This is Caryn from the PF, by the way -- and my only son was born almost five years ago. I have been unwilling to try again. So really, I'm not trying to encourage you.)

Hopeful Mother said...

I'm glad to read that you're posting again.

I agree with the others - I am amazed at your positive attitude considering the very very bumpy road you traveled to deliver these boys safely and almost lose your own life in the process.

It is unfair that the uberfertile former friend can just sail through like that - not that we wish for tragedy, but at least some empathy from her would be nice.