Monday, October 22, 2007

The Next Step Forward

I’m finally pulling the trigger on some much needed therapy. I’m nervous about it, and I keep second guessing whether I really am depressed enough to seek counseling, but I’ve decided to go through with it and see what happens. After all, it can only make things better, right? I had a few rough days last week where I was just so down I couldn’t stand it. It was tough making the call for a referral—you get so many questions—but after I told my situation to the counselor on the phone, she told me how surprised she was that I was coping as well as I have been and that I definitely should seek some help ASAP, not only pick up the pieces but to be able to get though my impending abdomen surgery (more on that later).

What are my symptoms? I’m unmotivated about work, I have little interest in seeing friends, I’m sad more often than not, I have emotional breakdowns after every doctor’s appointment, I feel sick when thinking about a future hospital stay, and yes, I’ve occasionally thought that I’d be better off dead. But only occasionally. Most of the time I’m happy to be here, even though I’m unhappy about so many things that have happened to me. I don’t believe I’d cause myself any harm and I certainly wouldn’t harm anyone else. But sometimes I don’t want to be around anyone, and that scares me. Sometimes, when I’m alone with the boys for a few hours after work, I just want to call H and tell him to come home early because I can’t take being alone with them. This doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.

I’m tired of feeling sad more often than I feel happy. I want to snap out of it. H is also having a hard time. It’s hard to feel happy when I see how depressed he is too. I’m hoping therapy will provide me with an outlet and an objective person who will help me come to terms with my emotions and teach me how to handle them in a more productive way.

For awhile, this blog was my “therapy.” I could get things off my chest, and get some good feedback from others in the same boat, but now I feel like I need to take the next step in getting better. Occasionally I get a comment from an anonymous person who tells me I need to “get over myself” and stop complaining. Those comments (which I refuse to post since the person doesn’t have the guts to say who they are) always send me reeling. Maybe I am too self-centered. Maybe I should just get over it and focus on the positive. But then I have to laugh. I mean, this blog is about me, after all. Why should I have to “get over myself” when writing it? If I did, what would I have to write about? I’m not sure how many people care about what I have to say. I like to think my blog helps some people who are going through what I’ve been though. I’ve also made friends here who I think are genuinely interested in what’s going on in my life. To the people who think I need to “get over” myself, I say—don’t waste your time reading my blog. My blog may not be for you, and I can respect that. But my blog is first and foremost an outlet for me. It’s not about gaining readers or popularity. I hope my story can help other people and that’s also why I tell it. I know reading other people’s blogs helps me feel less alone in this whole mess.

Anyhow, that’s what’s on my mind lately. The boys are doing great and I’m plugging along. I hope I’m on the road to a complete recovery. I’m going to do everything I can to be a better, happier person for my kids. I have to believe that there will be a happy ending to all this. You might say I’ve already gotten my happy ending, but it’s just not that cut and dry.


Suz said...

This happened to me, too. I had no need of a therapist during our infertility, because of the blog, but things got much more complex after the boys were born. I'm glad that you've reached out and really hope that it helps.

Michelle said...

Emmie, my labor/delivery/postpartum experience taking care of just one baby was a walk in the park compared to yours (and that's putting it mildly, given what you went through), and I made the same call last week. Just not feeling right and tired of/sad to be feeling that way. After all that you've been through, I'd think you'd have to be superhuman not to see someone for depression issues.

I am so sorry that, on top of everything you've been dealt, you've received comments from anonymous trolls. Who the hell are these people who completely lack any empathy??? Sounds as though you've figured out exactly how to deal with those comments, though.

Homestead Mom said...

Delurking. I read your blog because what and how you write it is compelling. The only way you could be self centered is if you go about your day saying (at work, to the checkout girl, to every person you meet, etc) the stuff you write about. My guess is that you put up a pretty good front & maintain great boundaries. NO ONE knows how hard it is to get through your day but you, and the fact that you are still *getting* through all these days? Freaking heroic, if you ask me. Please take heart in the fact that there are readers who are rooting FOR you, not against you.

I have over 22 surgeries under my belt, mostly for car accident repair. That doesn't even count the IF procedures. I use therapy for helping me with coping and perspective every time I hit a cycle when I need it. I think you are making a positive step. BTW, I've had excellent luck with EMDR for surgical / medical trauma.

Flmgodog said...

I don't have anything wonderful or profound to say however I am glad that you are getting help.

You certainly have been through quite a major ordeal and I hope that any therapy you get will help you in some way.

I am rooting for you Emmie and I hope you get better.

hope548 said...

Therapy is such a great tool. I went for a while and it was very helpful. It is so validating and helps you see things differently. No stigma whatsoever. I applaud you for doing it and I hope you find it helpful!

Blogs are supposed to be an outlet. The anonymous posters that tell you to get over yourself are rotten to tell you that! You've been through a lot and you deserve to be able to talk about it in this forum without being challenged like that. Don't you listen to them for a second!

Jamie said...

Good for you for making that phone call. Talking with a therapist has been a godsend for me. I hope it is very helpful to you too.

We ALL get those annoying anonymous comments. They are very hard to deal with but please know that there are many of us out here who are interested in your life and don't think you should "get over it". You've been through a lot and the only person who can fully understand all of that is you. Too many people judge when they have no idea what is really going on.

Please keep us updated on how it goes. *BIG HUGS*

GLouise said...

Hi sweet Emmie- I admire you so much for pursuing the counseling. It is so hard to pick up the phone to schedule.

And Shame on someone who would be a troll to YOU of all people! Good grief!

You know, you can remove the "anonymous" posting option from your blog. I think that might help cut down on any mean comments b/c people have to use their google ID instead.

Sending you all the best! Take care!!

Carla said...

Emmie, you have been through an incredibly emotional and traumatic experience, both physical and mental. Don't let anybody tell you how you should feel or that you should be "over it" already! Take all the time you need and vent all you want, your friends in blogland will support you no matter what.

Motel Manager said...

I applaud you for going to get therapy - it should be very helpful for you. You've been going through a very difficult situation for a LONG time now, and you are right to take the next step. I hope you find an excellent therapist right off the bat, but if you don't, keep looking - it is often just a matter of finding the right fit.

As for the a-holes who leave you those "get over yourself" comments, they must not have anything better to do.

I find your posts extremely valuable, and I bet they will help (and probably already have helped) people in similar situations. You WILL get through this.

Kirsten said...

I think you are definitely taking a step in the right direction. I am so glad that you are honest & open about your feelings because I have many of the same feelings. I might just make a call to get some help, too. This is just so much more tough than I ever expected, though I wouldn't trade it for the world. I just need a little help getting through. And, like you said, I want to feel happy and snap out of this funk. I know it can happen for both of us.
You're doing the right thing for you AND your family.