Thursday, July 27, 2006

IVF/ICSI--No Big Deal?

I just learned that one of my relatives, who is a research doctor, actually lectures on ICSI. My mom told him about my situation, and she reported this back to me in hushed tones at a family picnic we had this weekend. (I guess in her mind, me telling her not to talk about it means she shouldn’t talk about it to H, but the rest of the world is fair game. I’m not really mad, but still.) Anyhow, she said Doc pulled out his laptop and showed her this whole Powerpoint on ICSI. She is totally optimistic about the whole thing, and Doc is a big believer in the technology, but somehow I don’t think either of them really gets what it means to actually be going through it.

The same day, I had to tell my sister what was going on. H, for whatever reason, let loose that next month I would be undergoing a medical procedure when she asked whether we could go on vacation with her and my brother-in-law. Gee, thanks, honey. Then he gives me the look of—well, go ahead, tell her. Well, I wasn’t about to tell her right there out in the open. She was all intrigued of course, so I later pulled her aside and told her, starting in the most general of terms possible, that I was going to have IVF done. When I finally managed to get it all out because she didn’t understand my subtle ways of saying it, she was like—“oh, that’s not so bad. Don’t worry. There are more people than you’d think going through that right now.” While part of me took comfort in her reaction being casual and not thinking of me as some monster who was going to try to conceive artificially, I was a little surprised at now nonchalant she was about it. “Do you realize this means I might not ever have kids?” I asked. Again, nonchalant. She said, “There’s nothing you can do about it, so just see what happens.” And that’s so true. There isn’t anything I can do. I guess I have to just stop feeling so shocked that this is happening to me and just accept that kids may or may not be in my future. I started counting how many childless older couples I know through work and family, and there are tons. I always thought they made the choice to stay childless, but maybe they didn’t. The bad part is, I always looked at them and couldn’t imagine that life for myself.

1 comment:

Hope548 said...

My mom will sometimes tell total strangers because she's not supposed to talk to anyone who knows me about it! I'm glad you survived all of that!

You are figuring out a lot of the emotional part of this early. Doesn't really sound like you've had much of the denial stage where you try to control everything you can and "fix" your body! Good for you. I know it's hard, but it is a fate we may have to accept. At least you see that as a possibility no matter how difficult it is. I know people where IVF worked on the first try, so try to keep your hopes up!