My Current State of Being

I’m in high spirits this week, though I did hear two dead twin stories yesterday. I learned about someone’s acquaintance who had one twin die at 16 weeks. (Not a good thing to hear when you’re at 15 weeks.) Then, my general practitioner, who I finally went to see about my cough, immediately told me that his mom had miscarried his twin brothers at 7 months upon hearing my news. Um, thanks for that. I like him though. He’s very thorough and though he maybe talks a little too much about anything and everything, he doesn’t rush appointments. I’ll be taking the twins to him for pediatrics (God willing that they make it). Funny thing is, he didn’t even ask about whether I did IVF or anything. If my doctor, who probably has the most reason to ask such a question, didn’t need to ask, then everybody else can just mind their own business! I really liked GLouise’s response to my post yesterday—all so true and reassuring.

Anyhow, I wanted to give a quick health report for those of you obsessing about your condition like I am. The doc found no real reason for my cough other than it being a seasonal thing, and he suggested a cough drop that numbs the throat a little for relief. I hate cough drops though, so the name/brand went in one ear and out the other. I was feeling better, but then I had a major coughing fit last night that woke me up and made my stomach hurt so much. I find I have a lot of growing pains at night so I hope everything is fine.

I’ve had major headaches every day for several weeks now, and there’s really nothing I can do about them. I find laying down actually makes them worse. This has prevented me from sleeping in on the weekends, because I tend to wake up at 5 am with the headache and have to get up. I’m also peeing a million times a day—the frequency seems to have increased this past month. My lower back has been hurting from time to time, probably due to the growing boobs and belly.

When I looked down at my belly last night as I changed my clothes, I saw my belly button had completely popped out. Even though I’m just into my 4th month of pregnancy, I look a full 5 months when analyzing the pregnant woman illustrations in my “What to Expect” book. I guess it’s time to start taking some pictures of my belly!

I’m still concerned about my pink breasts, but I’m chalking it up to not being able to find the perfect bra. The new, expensive bras I bought while I was away still leave marks on the larger one that take hours to go away. A lot of my bras seem to be cutting off my circulation. Last night, the pink, marked-up area was a little numb. Ugh. I hate my boobs. I always thought it was great that I had a little bit of a chest. I never knew how much I would wish for an A cup. They are so big now they have stretch marks.

The other new development is that I feel the need to eat just about every hour. And it’s not a pleasant “oh I’m hungry” feeling. It’s a “oh my god I better eat or I’m going to die” feeling. I feel much better for about a half hour after eating. Then the process starts again. I don’t enjoy food at all, which makes it even harder. I’ve been able to eat healthy things at least. I’m always in the mood for fruit. Today, before lunch, I’d already eaten a lunch baggie full of grapes, a baggie full of strawberries, an apple, and a kiwi. This was in addition to a huge chunk of cheese, a granola bar, a dried fruit pouch, and a bagel. Maybe I should just eat a bigger sit-down breakfast? I really only have time for these quick snacks rather than a sit-down meal.

Other than these minor discomforts, I’m doing well. I’ll find out the sex of the babies on Dec. 20, less than 2 weeks away! This will be a very detailed scan, checking for lots of things, so I hope it will be a good one. Every time I feel like I might go out and start buying some of the major ticket baby items, I tell myself to wait until after the next scan. I really need to start shopping after this if we are going to spread out paying for two of everything. That and I won’t be up to going shopping once I get too big. I know it’s still early, but given my current size I now fully believe my doctor when he says that I don’t have much more time left to get around easily. Plus I want to be prepared in case I need bed rest. I don’t want to be over eager, but I feel like the time to go crib, stroller, and car seat shopping is upon me, especially if things need to be ordered.

Truth and Lies

The week of Thanksgiving, at 13 weeks, I finally started telling extended family members, friends, and colleagues about my pregnancy. Partially, I felt that 13 weeks was at least "safer," and mostly I had to tell people because I was starting to visibly show. After being out of town for a whole week and a half after Thanksgiving, I'm glad I told, because I have put on 5 more pounds since then (for a total of 10) and I no longer fit into any of my non-maternity clothes. I have a suprisingly round belly that sticks out pretty far, though not yet quite as far as my utterly annoying monster boobs.

Anyhow, in getting to this point of telling, H and I had to decide what we were going to answer when the fertility treatment question was inevitably asked. H felt we should just flat out lie and say we did no treatments. To everyone. Even to friends who had an incling we were headed in the IVF direction. At first this made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to lie. My approach was this:

Q: So, did you do fertility treatments?
A: Twins run in my family.

To me, this was not answering the question, but not lying either. H said this was just as good as admitting we had a problem and that I needed to say the word no. Well, since H's opinions have taken a back seat to mine during this whole process, I decided not to argue with him on this one. We would lie. And I'd ask God's forgiveness (Catholic guilt). The good thing about lying is that it closes the subject of infertility from further discussion. There are no follow up questions. If you say you did treatments, that leads to a conversation you might not have wanted to have, and one that the person asking might not have realized they didn't want to have.

I didn't think lying would work in every case though, because I had 2 friends that I already told outright that we were doing IVF. There was no " we might do it"-- I just admitted to it. There would be no way to "untell" these friends. Right?

Well, turns out these two friends don't really listen to much of what I say, or at least they don't retain it. When I told them (individually) about our pregnancy, they both asked immediately whether we had ended up doing IVF or not. I was a little stunned. I mean, I had told them the date of my first shot. I told them the whole process. Granted, I did not talk to either of them from the week before treatment started until now, so they weren't getting updates along the way, but still. How could they not know/remember the answer to that question already?

So I lied and said no. I said we were ready for treatments but everything worked out in the end. Boy did I feel guilty. But hey, if they are that careless in remembering this huge detail about my life, then I guess it really didn't matter whether they knew the truth or not. What was the point of them knowing anyway? Both said how happy they were to hear I didn't do IVF because they were worried about the side effects it would have on me. Whatever. I told them I saw nothing wrong with the procedure and you do what you have to do when you're in that situation. Aren't I one big contradiction? I don't want to come out to people, but I'm not ashamed of doing IVF. So I guess my main reason for not telling people is that they tend to ask stupid, intrusive questions that inadvertently hurt my feelings, and my answers really don't mean anything to them anyway. So why should I open myself and H up to that? Given H's parent's handling of the information, it just goes to show that you can't trust people to respect or consider your feelings.

So lying has gotten easier. For the most part, the only people who have immediately asked if the twins "are natural" are people I find mildly annoying already. Why would I want to tell them the truth? I hate the whole "are they natural" question, implying seeking help makes a baby "un-natural." It's just rude, and I'd find it annoying no matter how I got pregnant.

So now there is only one friend, a current co-worker, who knows the whole truth. And I believe I can trust her to keep quiet. She has seen me through several breakdowns during this whole thing, so I think she knows just how emotionally draining it has been for me.

I did, however, tell the truth to one other person yesterday. But I have to save that story for later...

Still on the Road

I'm still on business travel so this will be brief, but I wanted to report the very good news that my cousin's breast biopsy came back negative for cancer. Thank God.

My trip has been exhausting as I'm still struggling with the remnants of my cold. Does anybody out there have anything to say about taking Robituss*n during pregnancy? I've been trying so very hard not to take it more than once a day and only then if I'm practically choking, but I still don't want to overdue it. It's on my "safe drug" list from the doctor, but I know so many people who refuse so much as a cough drop when they're pregnant. Unfortunately, my cough has been keeping me up at night and driving me crazy. This is a typical ailment for me this time of year.

I came out about the pregnancy to a lot of my colleagues this week at the conference. So many responses from the women were--"I thought you looked like you put on weight but didn't want to say anything." Kinda made me laugh...kinda. One said she thought my age was just catching up with me at last. These are nice people, actually, so it was funny to hear them say these things. I didn't take offense. I just think they've all been anxiously awaiting my thin body's demise for awhile now. ;)

My belly is really growing. Really growing. I've only put on about 4 pounds since this all started, but it's all concentrated in the tummy. Even my belly button is already starting to turn into an outie. It's pretty cool, and yet terrifying. After all my obsessed worrying that something will go wrong, I may be coming to term with the fact that these babies may actually be a reality. These week, I also stopped calling babies "the embryos" when discussing them with H and will now address them as babies. A big turning point. They'll always be my little embryos.

Happy Thanksgiving!

And Happy Belated Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends...

All is well, pretty much. I woke up with a bad sore throat and cold today, but I'm off from work and have been able to rest all day. H and I saw the peri this morning, and he said the babies are looking good, although they are really too small to know much about them at this point. In 4 weeks, at our next appointment, he said we'll learn all sort of things about them, including their sex. It was funny how he said we'd know so much more about them, as if we'd find out their favorite color or something. They didn't look much bigger than 3 weeks ago, but they had some nice looking spines! They kinda sparkle. So, it was a good way to start the holiday weekend, other than being sick.

As far as the spotting, the peri said the reason is that baby b's placenta is completely on top of my cervix. The old placenta previa I've read so much about. He said it's perfectly normal with twins this early, and he'll let me know when it corrects itself. Until then, I have to be mindful of the old cervix. Sorry H, no real action this month...

On the pink ladies front, my doctor friend spoke with an oncologist she knows for me, and she said that IBC speeads really fast and is painful and itchy. I'm not in pain or itchy. Just the same, the pinkness remains and at least now I have a oncologist I can go see if I want. She said she'd be happy to see me whenever I want.
No word on my cousin yet.

I'll be out of town all of next week, so it may be awhile before I post again. Will be checking in on other blogs, though! Hope everyone is doing well.

Quick Update

Warning--TMI ahead

I continued to ooze a light brown cm all afternoon yesterday, though it was really only visible when I wiped. It was lighter than the darker brown I had first thing in the morning. The OB checked my cervix and said it was fine, then did a vaginal exam with a speculum and said--"oh, yeah, I see some brown mucous and it's nothing to be worried about." I asked her what it was from and she said it was just one of those things. Not the best answer, but she kept reassuring me it was fine. I asked her if it might develop into something and she said no. (I read plenty about brown spots being the first sign of a problem for some people on the blogs). She told me only to worry if it was bright red. She didn't even think the darker brown stuff I had initially was old blood--just the mucous. She said my cervix was in good shape, and then she did a quick scan to see the twins. They were both there, but she was real quick about it so I didn't see much. She said both heartbeats were strong. I was relieved, but wished the scan had been a little longer. It doesn't matter though, since I see the peri tomorrow first thing for an in-depth scan.

This morning I got to work and again ran to the bathroom. This time, there was real light caramel-colored goo all on my liner. At least it's getting lighter, I guess, and kinda going back to the consistency of the white sticky stuff I've had all along. Way more than you needed to know--sorry. I find writing everything down here is good for my own records of what's happening with my body.

So, on to the pink breast issue. Now my other breast is equally pink in the same location as the right one, and the doctor didn't seemed concerned at all. She said it's a good sign that the other breast is doing the same thing. (This was a different OB than the one who sent me to the breast center). The pinkness seems to line up perfectly with where my bras have been iritating me (even the new ones aren't a perfect fit), so she thinks my skin is just sensitive. I told her about my cousin and she didn't really comment. She said alot of people are getting scared by the rash-form of breast cancer, but it's extremely rare. We'll know the results of my cousin's biopsy tomorrow (poor thing--right before Thanksgiving. I'm praying it's good news so there will be truly something to be thankful for). If it's positive for cancer, I'll push harder for a more thorough exam next time. I felt like this one was overall a little rushed, even though she did listen to all my concerns and answer all my questions. Overall, it was a good appointment though. She told me to try to relax because everything looks good, and she said she understood that relaxing is difficult after what it took to get pregnant.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I'm still praying double that everything continues to work out. H was worried sick too, but he reminded me that this worry will never go away, even once the twins are born. We'll always be worried about them, and I know that's true.

Spotting

I am 13 weeks and a day. I had a great weekend, and I was feeling good this morning. Until I got to work, made my usual beeline for the bathroom, and saw brown spotting. It wasn't much, about a dime, but I am still freaking out anyway. When I wiped there was some more of the brown residue, and an hour later I went back to the bathroom and there was more brown, liquidy stuff when I wiped.

Luckily I already have my doctor's appointment set up this afternoon. Aside from a few twinges, I haven't had any cramps. Still, when I called H to tell him about it I just about started crying. Not good. I know some light spotting/bleeding might be normal, but considering how scared I still am about my boob this is not what I needed this morning.

I was just starting to feel more confident about this pregnancy (my miscarriage worries had been replaced by breast cancer worries). We told all of our friends at a party on Friday night that we are having twins. I went maternity clothes shopping with my mom on Saturday. H and I joined Co_stco on Sunday and bought our first bulk box of diapers. I thought everything would be okay by 13 weeks.

Please let everything be okay.

Tagged--Five Things About Me

The downside to being tired all the time is that I sleep too much during the day and then become wide awake at 5 am on weekends. Luckily I have a tag from Motel Manager to occupy me until the sun comes up!

So, five things you don't know about me:

1. I was on an episode of a Saturday morning kid's game show called Head's Up when I was in 5th grade. I woke up with a terrible sore throat the day of filming, but I still managed to buzz in and croak out all the right answers to win my jeopardy-like segment. I still have it on tape and it's horribly embarrassing now!

2. I've never broken a single bone to date. Would like to keep it that way, but I am so clumsy that only divine intervention is preventing it from happening at this point.

3. When I was little, I had a pet hermit crab that I loved so much I kissed it. When I did, it attached it's claw to my lip and wouldn't let go. My mom had to pry it off of me.

4. Two out of the three guys I dated seriously in high school have now come out of the closet. I guess that's to be expected when you run with the theatre crowd! (H was a theatre guy too...he was the player type though. I'm the only girl he ever dated past a few months.)

5. I want to live in Florida one day, preferably before I'm too old to enjoy it.

Now I'd like to tag:
Sticky Feet
(Please support Jamie during her dreaded 2ww that starts today!)

Jonesing for a Baby
(Michelle needs 2ww support too--the transfer is Monday!)

UtRus
(If she's not too sick from her twins on board!)

If any of you have already done this one, please feel free to disregard. I'm a little scatterbrained these days (it seems you really do get baby brain or something) and find myself much more forgetful than I was before.

More later--have lots to tell about this weekend. All good stuff, really, for a change. I will say real quick that I went on an extensive bra hunt this weekend to see if a bigger bra would help my pinkness go away. I've felt that even my new bigger maternity bras have been cutting off the circulation in my bigger side, right where the pinkness appears. It seems that old leftie might be catching up, because she was pink yesterday too, in the same way, and seemed a little larger. Anyway, had to buy a 36DD--Oh my lord. But you know what, the girls were much more comfortable. I'm still pink though, so we'll see what happens. I spoke at length with a doctor friend about it, and she thinks I have good reason to be concerned and to follow up with my OB, but that I shouldn't be as worried as I am. She told me to get off Dr. Google...

Shout Out to Fellow Bloggers

Recently a few of my good blog friends have pulled down their blogs and identities; I'm sure for good reason. I don't get to say hi to them directly as a result though, so this e-mail is a "Hi" to those of you still reading but not posting on your own these days. Special congrats to Lisa, who is 8.5 weeks pregnant!!! I am so very, very happy for you! Thanks for your comments--they mean so much. I'm bad about checking the e-mail account associated with this blog, but I'll try to check it if you want to drop me a line directly and then I can give you my more active address.

The support I've gained through this network of amazing people is truly a blessing. I am so lucky to be able to share celebrations, worries, and just random rantings with a group of people who really get it. This blog has helped me stay sane, and I know it's responsible for a lot of the strength I've managed to pull together over the past few months.

I'm really tired these days. I hope that's entirely because of the two little lifes growing inside of me and not something more. This year has had so many extreme highs and lows that I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I'm just praying for a quiet holiday season that will bring everybody some peace, if not just for a little while.

Hope you all have a great weekend.

One Step at a Time

Thank you for your concern and thoughts. I'm trying to be a little more rational about this. Since I have an appointment Monday morning with my OB, I don't think I need to try to see her or a specialist before then since it's already Thursday. When I had my appointment with the breast center, I asked them what I should do if I had any further concerns or saw more changes in the breast. Their response was to see my OB again and let her make the next logical referral. The thing is, my "symptoms" haven't changed or increased in the past week, so I don't want to jump the gun just because of what I read on the Internet. The part about my cousin is very scary, and I'm worried about her, but the fact is that her condition caused her doctors to go for a biopsy. If my doctors thought I needed I biopsy, wouldn't they have recommended it right then? The breast center I went to has a very good reputation, and two people saw me there.Of the three people who have examined me so far, not one of them said the words inflammatory breast cancer (IBC).

The fact remains though that we still don't know the underlying cause for my breast changes, and that is a concern. Yes, the changes could be pregnancy related. It's just that these symptoms don't seem to be the normal pregnancy ones. Looking at IBC pictures and testimonials, my breast certainly doesn't look like the clear-cut cases, yet it does fit some of the description. The redness is really more of a pinkness, and I wouldn't call it a rash, but the skin does dimple when you pinch it, which is supposedly a sign of IBC. Although my right side has always been larger, I would say it's quite a bit larger now while my left side has really just seemed normal lately. IBC is a very rare form of cancer, and supposedly not hereditary, so really the chances of me having it are small, even if my cousin does, which we don't know yet. Of course, the chances of having IF requiring IVF with ICSI were small...

I did read some things that said all the Internet hype about IBC has created an unnecessary scare for women. Yet reading some of the first-hand testimonials from people who were diagnosed with it, I find similarities in their stories to my own that scare me.

Sometimes the Internet may cause me more harm than good. I've spun myself up into thinking I'm going to be diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer that will need immediate chemo and will cause me to lose the twins and possibly my own life. I need to breathe and take this one step at a time, and stop trying to play doctor with myself using the Internet. This is not the first time I've worried myslef sick over something I read on the Internet. I've been convinced before that I knew my diagnosis before a doctor saw me, and I was wrong.

But why, oh why, does my stupid breast have to be acting up in a weird way? Why can't some of this be easy? I finally feel pregnant--I'm showing more and more--and instead of enjoying it I'm just worrying all the time. And I do have other minor things to be worried about. My urine test showed that I have Group B Strep, which is very dangerous for babies during delivery, so I'll need to go on antibiotics when I go into labor. Swell. I also have a cough that mysteriously comes and goes, and of course there's a crazy part of my brain that's convinced the cough is a sign that the breast cancer has already spread to my lungs.

This year has been so stressful, and filled with so many highs and lows, that I just want to check out mentally for awhile and regroup. Some good news is that I had my thesis defense and passed. That was a huge burden taken off my shoulders, and I'm happy that it's over.

Not much more to say. Next week will be action packed, between the OB on Monday and the peri on Wednesday. Supposedly we will get a VHS tape of the babies. I hope I can start to relax enough to enjoy it. Didn't I say I would stop stressing by Thanksgiving? It's always something.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers--I'm going to take up some more praying with all my free time now that my thesis is finished. I figure praying has to be more helpful that spending hours obsessing over what might be wrong.

Seriously Scared

I've spent the last week thinking that nothing was really wrong with my breast--it's just a little red and larger than my left side. The ultrasound showed nothing and the breast specialist didn't think I needed a mammogram, saying it's too risky with the pregnancy. She said although it looks a little infected, there's no real evidence of infection. Then I suddenly read this last night, after hearing about it on the evening news.

I had never heard of inflammatory breast cancer. The most deadly kind that can't be detected by ultrasound or mammogram and often is thought to be an infection. There is no lump associated with this cancer. I was already starting to panick a little.

Then I called my dad, who was on the phone with my aunt. Evidently my cousin, the one with twins, had just had a biopsy done for inflammatory breast cancer that day. They're pretty sure she has it. Symptoms--a rash on her breast that looks infected but isn't.

Oh my God.

I have my next doctor appointment on Monday, so I guess we'll see where to go from there. The only way to diagnose is through a biopsy. The thing is--I don't know what I will do if they confirm cancer. My primary concern is for the twins. I'd rather wait until I've had them before seeking treatment. But with this type of cancer, waiting that long might be too late, for all of us.

Please God don't let this be happening.

Follow Ups

I’m 11 weeks and 3 days. It feels like it’s been an eternity of waiting to feel “safe” in this pregnancy. This week H and I started telling close friends the news, and H has told all his colleagues. He was so excited about telling people, it was sweet. Today I have a meeting with my manager (who just returned from her maternity leave) and I plan on telling her the news for planning purposes. It’s earlier than I’d like, but I’m showing already. I guess the fact that I’m small combined with the twin factor will do that. This week I finally started feeling comfortable that this pregnancy might actually stick. And then I read Motel Manager’s post about her friend’s baby, whose heartbeat stopped at 10 weeks. It makes me want to crawl into a hole and not come out.

My next ultrasound is in a little less than two weeks (right before Thanksgiving), so now I’m questioning whether I should see the babies again before telling more people. Anything can happen in two weeks. But if I lost these babies now, it’s not like I could pretend it never happened...like they never existed. So I think I will proceed, with very cautious optimism, and allow myself to feel good about this whole thing. With a huge heap of worry on the side.

I saw the breast specialist Monday, and she only did an ultrasound, saying she would never do a mammogram on a pregnant woman unless she really had a good reason. She wasn’t concerned so much about the right side being larger than the left since they’ve always been that way, but she was concerned about the mysterious redness I have on the right side. She and the tech spent a really long time scanning my breast—a disturbing long time in which they said nothing, thereby freaking me out even more. Ultimately though, they said they saw absolutely nothing that would make them want to do a mammogram right now. They said the redness would normally be a symptom of infection, but they found no evidence of infection. It’s not sore, so they just said to keep an eye on it and let them know if it does suddenly start to hurt. I felt relieved, sort of.

Following up from the weekend, we haven’t heard from H’s parents at all. I really appreciate the supportive comments from everyone--everything that happened was so draining. On Sunday, going home, I felt pretty good about how we had handled things. I felt like we put it all out there, so now if they continue to hurt us they will have no excuse whatsoever and we can pull away from them without feeling guilty. H was still handling it pretty hard though, and he was depressed about it a lot this week. He was going on about how he hates his parents, and I was actually the one to say--don’t say that. I figure they get this last chance and then that’s it. I’ll never be crazy about his family or totally forget all of this, but for the sake of H and our kids I do want things to work out. We’re never going to be that close with them--they’ve violated our trust too many times now--but I at least want to be able to visit with them without dreading every moment.

I’m trying really, really hard to stop letting other people get to me so much, between the in-laws and my sister/parent situation. I just want to enjoy this time for what it is, H and I preparing to welcome two new members to our family. I got more joint-shower vibes from my mom but chose to let it go. Turns out my one close friend who knows about our treatment wants to throw my shower--she randomly brought it up to me yesterday and she doesn’t even know about my sister’s pregnancy and my whole joint shower meltdown. Problem solved. H gets to deal with telling my mom. She’ll put up a fuss for sure, but it’s not her decision. Seriously, I need to stop worrying about these little things and what everybody else thinks and wants to do.

Part Two

Now for Part 2 of my awful weekend...

I had to take a break from relaying everything at once because it really is upsetting. Your reactions/comments make me feel a lot better—H and I keep asking ourselves how things with his parents could really be this bad. We just don’t get it. My ultimate conclusion is that MIL and FIL simply do not listen to us or hear our pain at all. They only hear what they want to hear. I’d blame it on the distance, but the reality is that I only see my parents in person a little bit more than his parents see us. In fact, we’ve only seen both sets of parents once since our news. It comes down to H’s parents just not listening to what we keep telling them.

Okay, so...for the rest of Saturday H’s dad was very quiet—not his usual boisterous (loud/rude) self at all. He did make a demeaning comment to H’s brother at dinner, though, and H totally jumped on him for it. (Basically, BIL was saying how he currently has a 4.0 GPA in the new program he has started, and FIL spoke up that he only got that because one of his professors graded his B on a curve. H spoke up that an A is an A, no matter what it was before the curve.) After that, H left dinner a little early to go upstairs and take a nap. I wanted to go with him, but worried that they would start talking about us if I did, so I stayed. H had been working late all week, so I knew he was tired. Nothing bad happened at dinner and conversation was about normal stuff, so I started to feel a tiny bit bad that H’s dad was so withdrawn because we yelled at him. (But really—it was his own mess and we shouldn’t feel bad for correcting him. After all, he’d been hurting us repeatedly without any sign of remorse.) Any feelings of guilt I had went away when I finally went upstairs to check on H. He wasn’t asleep at all- he was just taking the time to be a wreck, full-on Emmie style. I felt so very bad for him. He talked about how he couldn’t believe he was related to his family, how he hated being there, and how he just wanted to go home. He said he hated that his family was also putting me through all of this and stressing me out during a time I should not be so stressed.

I had kinda expected H’s parents to have taken a moment to regroup together before/after the dinner and apologize or at least talk to H, but they never did. I did see them talking together looking somber before we went to bed, but nothing came of it. So H felt he still needed to spell things out for his mom, and I agreed, since there was no guarantee that H’s dad would share what we had said to him. H’s dad hates to be corrected, so I’m sure telling MIL that we had chewed him out wasn’t on the top of his to-do list. H said he would talk to his mom early the next morning (both of them always get up before everyone else in the house and have coffee). I asked him if he wanted me there, but neither of us really wanted a group discussion.

Well, I tossed and turned about it all night. Ultimately, I decided in the middle of the night that H had done enough talking to his parents and that I should make the next move to take some of the pressure off of him. I also felt that maybe his mom would take it more seriously if I spoke up, since I’m not the type to have heart-to-heart talks with her. I decided I would be calm about it and just be really honest about how our feelings were being affected by her and FIL’s actions.

I crept out of bed super early when I heard MIL get up. She seemed a little surprised, so I just sat down and launched into the fact that I wanted to talk to her privately because there are some things going on that are really hurting H (and me) that she and FIL need to know about. I had her full attention. I said, I’m sure you must know that FIL really upset us yesterday when we were telling J about the pregnancy. She looked surprised and said, “No? Why? What did he say?” I was shocked she had no clue, but I reminded her of how FIL cut me off when I mentioned twins in my family, saying that wasn’t the reason I was having twins. I told her that H and I were completely shocked and hurt that he would say that when H had made it clear several times to them that our treatment was not to be discussed with anyone. I got a big "Oh" in response. Then she tried to defend herself and FIL, saying it must have been a misunderstanding because they thought we just didn’t want them talking about the pregnancy before we were ready to (which was a stupid thing to say, since they also did that anyway.) This was a flat out lie, because H had all three of the conversations with his parents about their lack of discretion before we even had the procedure done. I reminded her about how she had told the one brother about our IF and how he had called H on his birthday and asked him about his fertility problems right with a high school friend sitting next to him. Another “Oh.”

I decided to let her slide on a “misunderstanding” (since calling her a liar probably wouldn't work with my calm tactic), saying, well, now you know without a doubt that it is the fertility treatments we do not want being discussed, ever, so please talk to anyone you told and explain to them that this is a private matter that should not have been shared. She then questioned why, since fertility treatments are so common these days, and that it was no big deal that I had a blocked tube. I calmly replied with tears starting to fall that she had no idea how painful the whole diagnosis and process had been for me and H, and that we cannot bear to have constant reminders about it. I said we are grateful for the technology, but we need to move on and heal. We can’t do that if we’re constantly being reminded about it, especially through unnecessary remarks like the one FIL made at dinner.

Then I addressed the tube thing, since she never acknowledges the fact that MFI was the main factor in our need for IVF/ICSI and she seems to keep putting blame on me. I said "I can have kids unassisted with one tube, but H cannot have kids without IVF, period. It is our problem together, but you need to understand how this is especially painful for H and obviously not something he wants to spell out to people." Again, it was an “Oh.” I told her, "given H’s medical problem in this, you also need to understand that he was 100% against IVF (and I didn’t even get into ICSI which he needed and was even more against), and he hated the fact that he was 90% of the problem while I had to endure 100% of the very invasive procedures/treatment." I said that H has strong moral objections to what we had to do to get pregnant, and I had to be the one to ask him to compromise those values for the sake of us as a family. I told her that doing that was extremely hard, because I respect his beliefs and felt awful asking him to bend them. I told her it took me a long time to help him come to terms with the treatment we needed and to agree to it. (I really wanted her to know that without my willingness to do this, she wouldn’t be expecting these two grandkids right now.) I told her that while it is against my religion to do IVF, I had to think hard about my own beliefs in order to come to the conclusion that God has given these treatments for a reason, and that’s what got me through it. I said even though H is not a practicing Catholic like me, his beliefs are actually very strongly aligned with the church’s beliefs on all this. Considering this, I told her that it was especially important that she and FIL stop discussing our treatments because they are a very open wound for us and one that will never heal. Considering H had many reservations about treatment in the first place, he does not need a constant reminder of them. I told her that if this round had not worked, H did not want to try a second time.

Well, this all just flabbergasted her. She said, “I don’t know where he got these beliefs from! His father and I don’t believe there is anything wrong with IVF! Why does he feel this way? Maybe he was just concerned with you violating your religion.” I had to laugh at that last part and said oh, no--my own religious beliefs were not the issue at all in this matter. I said, these are H’s beliefs, pure and simple, and they should be respected.

She still questioned why he had a problem with IVF, so I explained that he believes in leaving the creation of life to nature and if he is not capable of having kids naturally, there is a reason for it that he should not try to get around. I explained to her that fertility treatments don’t actually treat the root problem; they simply allow you to work around it. She still seemed baffled by H’s beliefs and there was really nothing more I could say. She tried to appeal to the fact that I’m more open in talking about it/accepting, and I said--not really. I’m just telling you all this so you understand and we never have to discuss this again. I said we both have decided as a couple that no one is to discuss this, and we would not have told them if we had to do this again and if we had known they would tell people. I told her how H was extremely upset the day before to the point of wanting to leave, and I told her that this needed to be taken very seriously for the sake of her and FIL’s relationship with H. I said if this continues, it will pull you and H apart.

Then I gave her some simple rules to prevent any further “misunderstandings.”

1. If someone asks if we did fertility treatments when they find out we are having twins, your response is simply--twins run in her family.

2. You must explain to H’s brothers and anyone else you told not to ever discuss our treatments, in front of us or with other people, because you shouldn't have told them in the first place. And just because we’re not around doesn’t make it okay to talk about it.

3. No one is to ever tell or insinuate to our kids that we used IVF. How, when, and if we tell them is entirely up to us, and we will not tolerate anyone forcing us into telling them because of an unnecessary remark.

I received an okay to all three of these items, so there was nothing more to say. MIL said that she did want to be able to talk to H about all of this and at least apologize. I said that apologizing and telling him you understand would be very helpful. She still seemed to indicate that she wanted to talk to him about why he had the feelings he did, and I told her that I wouldn’t push him in discussing those things--that’s why I had chosen to have this conversation with her—so that he didn’t have to. I said you need to understand that he had a hard time talking about this even with me, and the reason he hasn’t told you before in such detail is because he can’t without becoming extremely upset. I told her she should respect how he feels and just forget we ever had treatment going forward.

Then we talked about other stuff, giving my slow, leaky tears time to dry before H came down to join us for breakfast. I do think his mom was truly concerned by what I said, and she seemed very sympathetic to how difficult it was for me to say it. I’d like to think she will thank me for having the guts to do it. But who knows.

I told H the whole thing when we had a moment alone, and he was very grateful for what I had done but was also disturbed by some of her reactions to what I said. He’s worried that most of what I said was wasted breathe, because she can’t get past the fact that anyone would have different feelings about this than her and FIL. He’s afraid she will ultimately think we are just too sensitive (something she has said in the past about other rude stuff they’ve done.) He’s also afraid she will wake up the next day and think, “who does that Emmie think she is for talking to me like that about my son? If he felt that way, I would know.” He might be right. But for now I know I did the right, mature thing--the only thing that could be done to try to salvage this relationship. Time will tell if it had an impact.

What a Weekend, Part One

Some people do not deserve the benefit of the doubt. My in-laws are two of them. As you know, H and I have been struggling with how to deal with his family in preparation for this past weekend—our first visit in which we were to officially share our good news with his entire family, including aunts, cousins, etc. Now, H has told his parents no less than THREE times that our fertility treatments are private information that he does not want them to share. Despite this, the news continues to leak from his parents so that every time we get a call from one of his brothers, they bring it up to him unprompted. Each time this happens, it sends us reeling.

H didn’t want to upset his mom by confronting her one last time before our big visit. We had talked about it all week. First he wanted to call and remind her of our feelings on the subject, so that there would be absolutely no unexpected and unwanted remarks when we talked about the twins at dinner. But since talking hadn’t worked in the past, he decided maybe he would write her a letter explaining how we felt about it. Well, ultimately he decided to give his parents the benefit of the doubt. Because they are his parents, I wanted to believe they wouldn’t ruin this occasion for him (and me), so I went along with this plan. After all, he told them on three separate occasions to stop talking about it. Wouldn’t they have the decency and common sense not to talk about our fertility issues or treatment in front of extended family over the weekend?

The answer is no. We were not in the door five minutes when his dad managed to allude to our treatment, in a rude and unnecessary way, in front of Steve’s younger cousin and his girlfriend.

Basically, we came in and were the first to arrive. We were talking in the kitchen to H’s mom when his cousin J and girlfriend arrived and sat down at the table. We started talking about the drive up and stuff, when H’s dad entered the room. He greeted us and immediately said something about the pregnancy (even though we were waiting until dinner to “announce” it.) J and the cousin looked very taken aback and laughed, saying they would “act surprised” when we told the rest of the family after his dad realized they didn’t know yet. So, that launched me into telling J and his girlfriend that we are 11 weeks along with twins, and rapidly saying how excited are since my mom is a twin and they’re due on her birthday…

I hadn’t finished my sentence about the twins being born on my twin mom’s birthday, when H’s dad says—“well, that’s not the reason you two are having twins!” I paused, looked up at him with saucer eyes, and said in my most disdainful voice—“Uuhh, yeah, um ANYWAY and continued blathering about how my mom’s twin brother was hoping to come home from Chicago for their 60th birthday and to meet the new babies. H’s dad did not pick up on the hot anger radiating from me and H at all. H and I kept exchanging looks and I knew I had to say something to his dad before the weekend continued in this matter.

So I waited a few minutes for the subject to change to something else. H’s mom was talking to J about whether his sister was coming to dinner late. I caught FIL’s attention and motioned for him to come with me to another room because I had a gift for him (I actually did). I tried to be subtle, but surely everyone had to notice us leave. As I got up the stairs to FIL’s office and started to tell him about the gift (figured I would move into my confrontation afterwards), H entered the room, shutting the door behind him, and said “Dad, what the F…?!?” My first reaction was “H!” because he never curses like that to his parents, but then we both lit into FIL for what he had said.

We told him how upset it made us that he would make a rude comment like that when I was clearly avoiding the infertility subject when announcing the pregnancy to people. We told him we didn’t understand his need to cut me off and say something like that, especially after we repeatedly asked him and MIL to keep our treatments private. FIL responded that he must have misunderstood us--he didn’t realize we didn’t want to talk about it. What the ?!?! This led to me and H both raising our voices at him about how H had made this clear and at this point our assumption is that he and MIL just don’t respect our feelings at all. He muttered some "I'm so sorrys" in a pathetic, quiet way, head down like a child being lectured, but I couldn’t feel too bad about what we were saying to him. Obviously talking about it calmly had not gotten the point across. Then he tried to justify his talking about it saying—“But it’s just such a miracle what science can do and the fact that it worked is so great.” I said yes—it is great that it worked and we thank God every day for the technology, but that doesn’t mean we need the whole world to know. H chimed in with how painful the whole experience had been, and that if his dad felt our pain he would understand why we need to move on and stop being reminded of it. Well, to this FIL says that his colleague Mr. S. who did IVF, is very open about it and so he didn’t expect us not to be. H blew up at this, reminding his dad that Mr. S. was 50 when he did IVF as a result of wanting to have more children with a second wife after he had done a vasectomy with a first wife. He reminded FIL—“IVF was Mr. S’s choice and he already had kids so it wasn’t the same situation.” Then H lost it completely emotionally and said—“don’t you get how this was not our choice and we had a really hard time coming to terms with it?” With H unable to speak further, I said—“Look at what this is doing to your son! Why can’t you just forget we ever had treatment and just move on? Why did you have to ruin today for us, supposedly a happy time, by throwing our treatment in our face in front of people who didn’t need to know?” I told him that I didn’t understand why he and MIL and the brothers couldn’t keep this private when my parents had respected our wishes without question.

So then I saw an ugly side to FIL that I’ve never seen before, as he usually comes across as a harmless, bumbling Homer-Simpson type of overweight buffoon. He glared at me and said in a mean voice that he wasn’t trying to throw anything in my face and that I’m just closer to my parents.

I said—“that’s not true; the difference is my parents respect my feelings about this. And regardless, we’re telling you now once and for all to stop bringing up our treatment, tell everyone you’ve told about it that you shouldn’t have, and never say anything about it again.” I added the threat, “If someone ever says something in front of our children about our treatment, that person will never see the children again.”

He seemed to nod but kept muttering how it was just so good that things had worked out that he didn’t understand.

At this point, H, still struggling to regain his composure, asked me to go get our coats so we could take a walk and calm down before dinner started. I went out, right where MIL, J, and girlfriend could see me, got our coats, and we left out a back door where H didn’t have to be seen. I have no idea what FIL said when he re-entered the room with the others. As we went outside, H’s aunt and his other cousin M were getting out of the car. Talk about awkward. We just said hello and that we were taking a quick walk because it had been a long drive. We didn’t mention the pregnancy of course--still thinking we would wait for dinner (and to calm down!), but of course upon re-entering the house MIL had already told them, too. Can't these people keep their mouths shut?!? (Especially given the fact that we had just said we would wait until dinner to tell the others after J found out.) Since we weren’t there when she told them it was twins, who knows what was said about that. I would’ve thought MIL had a clue that we were yelling at FIL for what he had done, but evidently she was clueless. This will be explained in part two, to be uploaded later tonight…

A Reminder of What IF Has Done to Me

I am a wreck right now...read this self-pitying post only if you are in the mood to stomach it.

I've been trying my very best to keep my chin up about my sister's natural pregnancy and her treatment of it. I like my sister a lot these days. I haven't always. In fact, I pretty much despised her until we were both married. She has always known how to hit a nerve in me that sends me to my absolute darkest. It hasn't helped that my parents treat her so much better than they treat me.

Well, she's not doing it on purpose right now, but she is the reason for my meltdown. She is exactly 2 and a half weeks behind me, and she has now told EVERYONE we know that she is pregnant. At first she told me she was just going to tell immediate family when she told me at 5 weeks, but turns out, she told all her friends at 5 weeks 1 day. Now, she's a little more than 7 weeks, and everyone knows. And just about no one knows about my pregnancy. So considering I'm ahead of her and doing the first trimester wait, I feel like this is bullshit. Especially when she knows how scared I am yet eager to tell people. When I DO tell family and friends, I feel like the fact that she told weeks ago will just further emphasize that all was not business as usual with my pregnancy.

But this isn't even why I'm so upset right now. I'm upset because she said the words "joint baby shower" to me tonight, implying that that was what my mom was planning to host for us. No effin way. This may be petty and selfish and something my friends cycling right now don't need to hear me whine about, but WHAT THE HELL? Why can't I have a moment of my own, especially after all the suffering H and I went through to get here? Why can't my mom and sister be sensitive to that? They're just thinking about what will be convenient for them. I think it's ridiculous. I have tons of friends. I can only hope one of them will hear of this from someone and step up to stop it. What a pathetic jerk I'm being, but I can't help it. My family never puts my feelings first. Ever. Never have. It's always been about my sister. When my sister first found out I was pregnant, one of the first things she said was how she couldn't wait to throw me a shower. Well, now with her pregnancy, obviously she'd rather just leave it up to my mom. And my mom will throw the same kind of gathering for me that she always throws--one that is all about what she wants. Which means at her house, even though she's an hour and a half away from me, my friends, and the entire rest of our family. And we'll have the deli lunch meat platter that she always gets, even though pregnant people can't eat that (my sister tells me how she's been eating lunch meat and it's just fine. Fool won't listen to me). It goes on and on. Just a reminder that I have some serious family issues. For as much as I complain about H's family, mine has been pretty crappy to me in the past too. I just haven't put it all out there because I feel so guilty. But why? They never seem to feel guilty for hurting me. Oh, I need therapy fast...

Is it ridiculous to be this upset about a shower at just shy of 11 weeks? Absolutely. I'm a nut case. Something could go wrong tomorrow and I'll be wishing to have the chance back to have the joint shower at all. But I just needed to come here and indulge my hurt feelings for a bit.

When I spoke my loud protest to a joint shower and even a mom-hosted shower, my sister just clammed up and got off the phone with me pretty fast afterwards. This is obviously not something she's going to back me on. Considering my twins will likely come early (like May 1) and she's not due until June 15, I don't see how a joint shower even makes sense logistically. I'll either be so far along that I won't be able to make the trip or my sister will have a long way yet to go when we have it. I had intended on hosting my sister's shower at my house as long as I didn't need bed rest. I guess that's not up to me if mom is taking over.

If it weren't for IF, I'd have already been through a pregnancy and wouldn't have this ultimate test of sibling rivalry to even deal with. I wouldn't be so apprehensive. I wouldn't be so needy. I just feel like my feelings have been stepped on too much.

Off to dry my tears before H gets home. Not sure how he'll react to this one. He'll probably call me crazy. But he knows what my family does to me, so maybe he'll understand. I hope you do too. If not, my chin will be back up tomorrow and I'll just keep focus on the most important thing--the babies. Who cares if I even have a shower, right? The babies are what matter. Maybe I'll just say I don't want a shower at all.

Odds and Ends

So at Monday’s appointment, the peri doctor noted that my placenta was very low right now, but it would probably resolve itself. However, he said he wouldn’t be surprised if I saw some light bleeding. Yikes. Bleeding would terrify me even if it was normal. After my pap smear on Tuesday, my OB told me to expect some spotting, and I had like one, faint brown spot that didn’t even look like blood, so I was fine. Now I’m wondering what might set off bleeding, and of course s.e.x. comes to mind. Poor H, I’m already not in the mood much if ever, and if action is going to cause bleeding I want even less to do with it. H understands, but I do feel bad. I have had zero desire ever since transfer. Anybody else going through this? It hasn’t been a complete dry spell, but it really takes some doing to get me to participate.

My peri said I should enjoy my physical state as much as possible right now because as I get bigger I probably will be pretty limited. Both he and the OB predict bed rest in my future because I’m small. I’m trying to do normal things, but between feeling extremely tired, bad indigestion, and strong food aversions, it’s hard to enjoy a nice dinner with H or any after activity. I feel good overall and am not complaining, but I definitely feel like “enjoying the old me” ended with my last glass of wine over a heavy meal the night before my first Lupr*n shot. I imagine old me might not return for a year or two.

My belly is definitely starting to stick out some, and depending on the clothes I wear you can tell. I’ve been hiding it from the outside world, but at home I like to flaunt it for H. He’s been appropriately impressed. Bye-bye flat tummy! I can’t even suck it in a little, and my ribs are disappearing. Hooray! My flat stomach was my pride and joy for a long time, and two years ago when H and I took a trip to Bermuda I had him take a bunch of bikini pictures of me to bid it fond farewell. I do not expect to see it again, and that’s just fine with me. Even though I plan to work out hard after the babies are born in order to return to my normal clothes (or a size up…), I can’t imagine my tummy will over look that way again after twins. I will wear my pooch with pride.

The Good, the Bad, and the Lopsided

First the good news--both babies are fine. Excellent, really. We saw the peri on Monday and had a super ultrasound. There they were, actually looking like little babies instead of blobs at 10 weeks. It’s amazing how much more form they had in just two weeks. We got a whole roll of pictures, including two of those 3-D color ones that I find creepy. H is going to put them on his desk at work. I’m a little embarrassed that we now have enough pictures of these little guys for an entire album! When you get a 3-D picture of both twins at once, it always seems to me that one looks like a baby and the other looks like squished play-doh. Luckily the doc took individual shots as well as group photos so I have evidence that I do have two babies and not a ball of play-doh.

The best part of the visit was that we saw both babies dancing...a lot. They were really shakin’ it. It was so funny we were both in tears. It kinda reminded me of the dancing baby from Ally McBe_al, only, not as scary. After my appointment, we drove to my campus and dropped off my thesis. All in all, a very good day.

On Tuesday, I had my appointment with the new OB practice. It was a long, invasive visit, complete with pap smear, blood draws, and urine taking, but I expected that and I really like everyone I met at the practice. Much improved over the last one. The doctor was very nice and answered all my questions.

So the bad news is that when she examined me she was very concerned that my right breast is much larger and different looking than my left one. It also has some redness that has developed over the past 2 weeks. Now, I've always been a little lopsided and was told it was normal, and after transfer both sides grew a good deal. The right started really taking off though and left the left in the dust. Since my mom had breast cancer (she’s recovered), the doctor said she wants me to have a mammogram done at a special breast center. She said that the size and redness may just be from the hormones (I will finally quit prometrium this Friday) but she doesn’t want to take any chances, especially since the left side didn’t react the same way. She said it was probably nothing, but she said the word “concerned” many more times than “probably nothing.”

I had noticed the difference between the two, but I just thought my left side was being slow in catching up, as always. Now I’m a little freaked out. My appointment is next week, so at least I don’t have to wait long. I just want to be okay for my two little dancers.

As far as the MIL and relative issue, I'll post more later. I appreciate all the feedback and suggestions. I'll let you know our plan...

Attack of the Rude Relatives

I’ve been on hold for the past 20 minutes waiting to cancel my appointment with my old OB/Gyn practice. Crazy. I finally figured I would see how long of a post I could write before they get to my call.

My thesis is done and I’m going to distribute the copies to my committee tonight! Oddly, I don’t feel much better yet. H says I won’t feel relief until the defense is over and I have the diploma. He’s probably right. I was just hoping for some sense of calm to wash over me.

My agitated state could have a little something to do with H’s family, bringing us to the title of this post. I’ve deleted my previous posts on how awful they are because I felt guilty, but they are at it again and I must discuss. To recap, H’s mom has evidently told everyone about our need to do IVF, despite our clear instructions that this was private information and not to be shared. The ONLY reason we even told her and H’s dad is because they wouldn’t let up on us not being able to attend family events that were occurring during our retrieval and transfer. We also wanted them to know so that they would stop asking rudely framed questions about when we would have kids.

Well, after H got a phone call from his Lame Brother #1 (LB1) in which the brother brought up IF in front of a high school friend, H gave his mom a real talking to about her indiscretion and now the brother’s indiscretion. She was shocked to be yelled at over it but seemed sorry. So sorry, in fact, that she promised H that she would wait for him to announce our pregnancy at our next family gathering rather than telling his brothers or anyone else in advance.

Well, Lame Brother #2 (LB2) called yesterday, and he brought up to H that not only does he know about the pregnancy, he knows about the IF and he knows we are having twins. His sorta congratulations included all of this in the same sentence. His comment to H was "Man, I didn’t even know you guys were trying." Hmm, so why did H's mom feel the need to spill everything then??? Now, H’s mom had sworn to H that she had only told LB1 about the IF, her weak excuse being that LB1 is a doctor (chiropractor). Yes, I’ll take a back adjustment to fix my sperm issues from Mr. Faux Doc. Well, clearly she either lied to H from the beginning and had already told everyone about our IF, or, when she decided to announce our pregnancy without us anyway and told about the twins, she answered LB2’s likely question as to whether IF drugs were involved.

Needless to say, I’m pissed. Let’s say she simply told about the twins and then was faced with the “did they use IF drugs?” question. Knowing we DO NOT want our IF to be discussed, ALL she had to say was— "well, Emmie’s mom is a twin and remember her cousins who were flower girls in her wedding are twins…I guess twins run in the family." But nooooo.

So, my real chest pain right now is over the fact that we have to visit H’s family this very weekend--the weekend we agreed we would tell everyone about the pregnancy even though it’s still a few weeks early for my taste. Well, they all already know, and so help me if I get any questions about IF or our treatment. I will go OFF. And when my buttons are pushed to the limit like they are now, I am a force they will not want to reckon with in any way.

H was really mad too, both at his brother for his callous discussion about our pregnancy and his mom for blatantly ignoring his wishes. He said he’s going to talk to her again about it this week before we go up. He said if she ever blurts out anything about our kids’ conception in front of them, he will never see her again. We haven’t decided how or when or even what we are going to tell our kids, and we do not want to be forced into something just because H’s mom doesn’t have a bone of sense in her body. I’m just ready to light into her the moment I see her, which I know is bad for the babies. I’m trying to calm down about it, but I really can’t. I’m tense about the questions that might smack me out of nowhere from H’s aunt and cousins. (I’m pretty sure H’s mom has told them, too). I’ve been thinking of proper responses for when they say—"twins???—what type of treatment did you have?" Part of me wants a good dignified answer that lets them know I find it an inappropriate question and none of their GD business, and part of me wants to slide on--"don’t you remember how many twins there are in my family?"

Another possible response to "did you do IVF" is--"Wow, I guess times have really changed. When my cousin announced her twin pregnancy 10 years ago, NOBODY in my family even thought to ask her that question. And they didn’t even have IVF when my grandmother had twins. But now people won’t stop asking me that question! (in my sweetest voice, of course) Think that would shut them up?

Your help please--how would you handle H’s mom this weekend, and what are your best responses to the uncomfortable questions I might get? Being out about IF is not an option because I feel like it’s an even further invasion of my privacy. I’m happy to share the info and true facts with people I think need it, but not nosy relatives.

Been Working...

Hooray for UtRus, who looks to have double passengers inside! I hope the next few weeks are a smooth ride for you and you see those hearts beating nice and strong!

I’ve been silent lately because I am less than one week away from having to turn in the biggest piece of academic writing in my life—the master’s thesis. I’m so close to finishing, so I don’t know why I want to just quit and crawl into bed. I guess the final details are always painful. I’ll just be so happy when I am done. Then I feel like I’ll really be able to take a deep breathe and celebrate everything going on in my life.

I still can’t believe things in my life have taken such a change for the better. My symptoms are still pretty minimal—a few food aversions, occasional super nose moments, sore boobs, some minor tummy pangs, a lot of increased fatigue—but overall I feel just fine. If I didn’t feel so well, I don’t know how I would be able to finish my thesis. Thank you, God. Meanwhile my sister remains hunched over a toilet at 7 weeks. Since I’m still not openly talking about my condition, my mom fills the gap by constantly talking about my sister and how sick she feels. My mom seems a little disappointed each time she asks how I feel and I say fine. Like it means I’m not as pregnant as her or something. I guess it just gives her less to talk about. My sister’s next doctor appointment isn’t until mid-November, while I will have 2 appointments, maybe more, before then. It’s so interesting how different our pregnancies will be.
While it does suck to have this little competition thing going on between me and my sister, as the co-pregnancies are bringing up a lot of hurt feelings I’ve always had about how my parents treat my sister differently than me, I do have to remind myself of how very, very lucky I am to have gotten my BFP on this cycle. If I hadn’t, and my sister was pregnant, I think it would have sent me over the edge. I wouldn’t be able to be a good sport about it. I wouldn’t be able to listen to my mom talk about it. I would just have to hang it up and move to a remote island for a few years. It is a true miracle that I was spared this pain. I’m a little disappointed in myself for having these feelings and not being able to be stronger about IF. I think it’s probably time for me to start seeking some counseling so that I can resolve a lot of issues I have before the babies are here (which I hope they both will be, safe and sound). I’m so scared of losing them. I want to learn how to handle my fears and prevent them from overtaking me so that I can be the best mom possible. This will be my focus after next week…

My peri appointment is Monday and my first appointment with the new OB is Tuesday. I can’t wait to see the little guys (or gals) again. Will check in with news after that.

Plan Your 2 Week Wait Vacation

Is this article saying that it was a good thing that I went to Disn_ey World during my two week wait? I certainly had no time to share emotions about my treatment while I was in line for Snow White's Scary Adventure and watching Mickey's Not So Very Scary Halloween parade.

I was quiet about the fact that I was in Disn_ey World during this time, as some infertiles have said it is the worst place on earth to go if you can't have kids. I actually didn't feel that way, because I acted just like a kid there myself.

While H and I were there, we had shared a room part of the week with my sister and brother-in-law, until it was time for us to move on to another hotel where I had a work conference (my reason for being down there in the first place). While I suspected this, my mom spelled it out for me last night. My sister conceived in Disney World, in the room we had SHARED, the day or so after H and I moved on. Blech!!!!!!!!

I highly recommend Disn_ey World as the place to go after all stressful reproductive efforts.

Lots of Stuff

I had some particular posts in the works, but they disappeared so this is going to be about whole lot of random things going on right now.

I shopped around for a new Ob/Gyn and found a practice that looks very appealing located in the same medical complex that I currently go to. They only have five doctors, all women, and they only serve one location--unlike the place I'm leaving, which has 10 doctors and 4 locations. I figured right there it would narrow the number of doctors I see. I called them up, and the receptionist was super nice. One of their specialities is high risk pregnancy, so it looks good so far. The receptionist was able to schedule me an appointment for less than 2 weeks. The new receptionist also congratulated me on the pregnancy. The receptionist from my old office never thought to make that small gesture. She just sounded annoyed that I was requesting a particular doctor. So anyway, my first appointment with the new place is on Halloween. I'm going to cancel the other one.

My sister is now in the full throes of morning sickness, while I am still only sorta queasy each afternoon. The tiredness is really hitting me though. My sister has her 6 week ultrasound today, so I'm eager to hear how it goes. I saw the baby's heartbeats at 6 weeks, and from what I've read that's a little early. I'm curious as to what she will see. I'm still annoyed that she's telling people before I feel I can even share my news, though. My mom told me last night that my sister gave her the go ahead to tell extended family on Nov. 15, which just so happens to be the week I enter my third trimester and would be ready to tell those same people myself. What the hell. Why can't she wait for her first trimester to start, just two weeks later? I sense some cattiness coming to my blog soon. ;) I guess our pregnancies are just going to be treated as exactly concurrent...my mom was going on last night about how she predicts my sister will deliver early because she always delivered early, and therefore she will probably end up having the baby on what is projected to be my due date. Whatever. This is just so typical--my sister always has to have or do things immediately after I do. It frustrates me sometimes because while I have to work hard for all these milestones, they seem to naturally fall in her lap.

Would you believe my mom started bragging to me last night about how it only took my sister 3 months to get pregnant? I calmly told her that I didn't need that rubbed in my face after what I'd been through. Her response--well you were fast too; it only took you one treatment! So then I reminded her that if I had been like my sister, I would have already celebrated my baby's first birthday by now. Ugh--this shouldn't have to feel like a competition. I don't know why I'm starting to let it get to me so much. Oh wait--I know why--it's because my mom won't stop talking about my sister! Everything I say now is followed by--well your sister is doing this. Ugh.

Despite the venting, I'm doing really well and am so happy right now. Still worried and cautious, but very happy. H and I have a very nice weekend planned so that we can spend some quality time together without stressing about stuff. I think it will be very good!

Incredible News

H and I took a walk in our neighborhood last night and had to drop off something at one of our neighbor’s houses. We’re pretty good friends with them—a couple our age with a 2 year old—and the girl has known that we’ve been trying for awhile. On the walk over, we decided we would tell them our good news, even though it’s early. I’m starting to feel that telling is okay because if something goes wrong it’s not like I will be able to pretend that nothing has happened. Anyway, we told her (her husband wasn’t home yet) and she was thrilled. Then H told her it was twins, and her jaw hit the floor. Turns out our other neighbor friends, a couple also with a 2-year-old, just announced that they are pregnant with twins. They are due three weeks before us. Can you believe that??? I’m thrilled that our twins will have twins the same age in the neighborhood to play with, plus I’ll have a friend to go through this with right at my doorstep. Evidently she has been super sick—throwing up so much she can’t get out of bed—which is why we haven’t seen her yet. Our neighbors all go to the same daycare for their 2-year-olds, which is how the neighbor we talked to found out right away.

Which brings us daycare. H just about fainted when he heard from our neighbor how much daycare is, then multiplied it by two. Here we go again with the money. The rest of our walk was consumed by it. It does cost a lot, but the thing is, this is why I spent so much time advancing my career before we decided to start trying. I doubled my salary from 2 years ago, so after daycare, it will be just like I had my old job back only now I can afford the kids too. (The daycare will be approximately half my monthly salary each month.) I think this is pretty darn good, and I worked really hard to get to this point. If I had my old job, things would have been really, really tight. We should have been saving my increased salary these past two years because we didn’t really need it to live, but we had lots of house emergencies and just general things we wanted to buy and do while we could. I know we can cut back to the way we were. The thing that kills me is that H’s real problem is spending that amount of money period on daycare, whether we can afford it or not. Sorry, that’s just the cost of having kids. I don’t get why he thinks kids should be so free or cheap and puts up a fuss every time he finds out how much they are going to actually cost. We definitely can’t afford for me to stay home, so it’s funny that he would actually prefer me to stay home so we don’t spend the money on daycare rather than have the daycare and still be able to provide a comfortable living for our kids. Ugh. It all comes back to the fact that money is his worry, and I just need to leave him alone as he works it out in his own mind. I know we’ll be fine. Sure, it’ll be an adjustment, but we’ll work it out.

Two Still On Board!

I have a lot to catch up on, but the most important thing is that yesterday’s appointment went very well, and H and I saw both hearts beating in sync with each other. My RE, who must have figured out I’m obsessive compulsive about info by now, did not tell me the heart rates or any measurements when I asked how everything was measuring, only saying that both babies are measuring the same size and everything is within the normal range. I was very relieved, and H was very impressed to see them both for the first time. Baby A is still tucked in a corner that is harder to see than Baby B, but we could definitely see both of them. They grew a lot in just a week and a half. It was so exciting to see them with H, and we had a great time celebrating afterwards. I still won't feel safe until we're beyond 12 weeks, but I do feel better.

So with that, at 8 weeks, I am released back to my regular ObGyn and have a referral to the peri. I’m told my ultrasounds with the peri will be super, as he has the 4-D equipment. Those 4-D scans kinda freak me out though.

My issue today is that I called my ObGyn to make an appointment, and in doing so I remembered how very much I can’t stand them. After being on hold for a half hour, they were able to schedule my first appointment for a month from now. Ten doctors, three locations (all of which I’m willing to drive to), and the best they can do is a month. Even the peri, who my RE says is always booked, is seeing me in 2 weeks. The other problem is that my RE recommends I only see 2 different doctors max since I’m high risk and they will need to be well acquainted with my status, and immediately on the phone the receptionist told me it would be impossible for me to limit the number of doctors I see there to just two.

So, the hunt for an ObGyn is on. These folks have mangled my paperwork, messed up my appointments, and have left me hanging in waiting rooms for countless hours (though they charge patients a $25 fee if they are more than 10 minutes late). There is no way I want them handling my high risk pregnancy. I’m nervous about finding somewhere new, but it must be better than putting up with these people and getting more and more frustrated by them.

The Other Daughter

My younger sister announced yesterday that she is 5 weeks pregnant.

My initial reaction--Great! Wow! So happy!

My next reaction--5 weeks? That's it? She's telling everyone? She's using the p word and the b word? She's 2 weeks behind me yet light years ahead.

She told me she was scared to tell me the news, because she didn't want to steal my thunder. Hmm. Well, I hadn't really thought about that. My first thought was that her pregnancy would take some of the focus off of mine, in a good way. Now my parents could obsess over her, rather than me. That's the way it's always worked in our family anyway. My two weeks of being the golden child to my parents was a little weird.

It is a little too weird though that my grandmother knows my sister is pregnant, but she doesn't know about me. I was waiting to tell her on Monday, when I had a better idea of whether the twins were going to stick. Now that I've had time to digest this, I can't help but think--couldn't my sister have waited until after Monday? She knew my appointment was then and that I was planning to speak more openly about "my condition" after that. I guess old family habits die hard. My sister and I have always been great rivals, though we do get along very well now.

Luckily enough, H had the same reaction as me for once. Initial joy and excitement, followed by a big--Huh? Why tell everyone this second?

My sister kept emphasizing how cool it will be for us to go through this at the same time. Yes, I agree that will be nice, and having cousins the same age will be great. But her timing just stings a little. A little sting that didn't really hurt at first but now is starting to swell. They got pregnant after just 3 months of trying. Their worryless joy just further emphasizes how different my pregnancy is. I see in her eyes what I am missing out on since I am infertile. It sucks.

Her first ultrasound is Friday. Couldn't she have waited until the first ultrasound? Am I crazy? No, just infertile. And this is how infertiles react to fertile pregnancies.

On a different note, please give a congrats to Jena, who has seen her baby's heartbeat!

Infertile Men are from Mars, Infertile Women are from the Next Galaxy

Thanks so much for your supportive remarks on my last post. Things are better now. I think H and I really just have different ways of expressing our frustration over dealing with infertility, and whether you get a positive or not I see now that you're still going to be coping with being infertile every day. While H focuses on the tangible, concrete impacts of IF, I'm focused on the emotional. I really agreed with the approach of letting him worry about the $ without complaining to me about it while I worry about the shots and appointments without complaining to him about them. It's not that I'm not aware of the money situation; it just isn't my focus. As the "male provider," H sees the money thing as his part of the problem to address.

Sometimes I just can't help but feel that I've been the stronger one in dealing with this whole mess, and so it upsets me that he can't just put my feelings first and keep some of his comments to himself. Lord knows I have kept my mouth shut on days when the shots were extremely painful and the wand poking extra invasive. But it just comes down to the truth we all know--no matter how great your partnership is with your husband (and I think mine is pretty great), the burden of treating IF is on the woman. I do think some of the infertile men out there really get it (especially Smarshy), but really you can't get what it's like to actually go through the physical impact of IF treatment and its emotional ramifications until you do. And, as with pregnancy, that's just something the boys aren't going to get to experience. We woman are pretty strong creatures, don't you think?

Of course, giving the guys some credit, we can't know what it's like to feel helpless in treating IF--there's really nothing they can do but hold our hands and do their thing in a cup. At least we have an active role. I know I felt alot better about dealing with IF once the IVF cycle actually started and I was doing things. That was the point when H felt worse, because all he could do was watch while I got a million shots. He hates giving me shots and I know he would trade places with me if he could. It's unbalanced and unfair, just like everything else with IF.

So, on to a new day...

Lousy

Sorry for the silence, but I've been feeling a little sicker this week. Overall, the hints of morning sickness thrill me because I know something is still going right in there, but combined with the extreme fatigue I haven't been good for much of anything other than staring blankly into space once I get home from work. Today I have an awful headache, and its because of a fight I had last night with H.

I was in a good mood when I got home--a couple of things started going right with a few house issues we've been trying to resolve, plus I had just booked my next business trip and H ahd agreed to come along. I love having a trip to look forward to. This one is timed just perfect, because it means I will miss the baby shower of another cousin who has fallen pregnant acccidentally and out of wedlock. I'm not judging people who have kids accidentally, but it just rubs the IF in my face a litle more every time I see how obnoxiously over fertile the rest of my family is.

So, I'm feeling good as I check the mail. I see a thick bill from my clinic. Heart pounding, I open it, and start sweating as I turn page after page of fees, not seeing what my end balance is but what the pre-insurance costs are. Boy was it a lot. I imagined how hard reading this would be if the beta had been negative. But it wasn't. No matter what the end cost, I thought, it was worth every penny and more. I get to the last page with the total amount owed by me--100 bucks. Really?!?! Now, I'm suspicious that a few other bills might come my way as they always drag on after a medical procedure, but this one seemed to cover everything. Between the insurance coverage and my good response to the meds that led me to need only half the dosage originally prescribed by my nurse (a savings of $1,500), I thought we made out like bandits. I was thrilled.

H gets home and I tell him how happy I am to see the low bill. He starts going through it, item by item, questioning a bunch of stuff. It started to irritate me. Sure, make sure you understand what you're being billed for, but come on--this was only 100 bucks total. I don't think they were ripping us off anywhere. I knew I was overreacting a little, so I kept it to myself and didn't complain when he said he was going to call the office and ask about a few things. (The bill lists all my meds and their costs, which he thought was weird since that was self-pay and taken care of through the pharmacy.)

So then he asks me when I will get released to the regular ObGyn, and I tell him that our RE said I would be released after our appointment this Monday, and that in addition to the ObGyn the RE was going to refer me to a Periontologist due to the twin factor. To which he replies--You're kidding? Another co-pay we'll have to deal with? Inside, I fumed. I couldn't believe that he was going to complain about a stinking $40 co-pay after all we'd been through. What if we weren't successful? What if we had to do all this agin? So I said--hey, at least you're not the one being poked and prodded by a million different people. I'd like to see you take my place for a week. This infuriated him, and he actually yelled at me about how insensitive I was, and how vindictive it was of me to wish any of it on him. WTF???

I tried to keep it together, but then I lost it. Bawling. Sobbing. Almost to the point of hyperventalism. I left the room to calm down and wouldn't let him talk to me--it only upset me more. I'm still upset. He apologized for upsetting me but does not feel he didn't anything wrong. He said he was just venting about how much these kids will cost when they aren't even born yet, and how it wasn't fair that our friends paid nothing to have their kids. I thought this was incredibly shallow of him, given how many people have spent thousands of dollars already and are still waiting for their positive. I told him I understand if he feels bad about the money spent, but keep it to himself because I do not agree with him and given what I've been through physically and emotionally, the money issue isn't even on my radar.

He's still mad at me because I won't acknowledge how he feels. I'm sorry, but I think being upset that we spent approximately $2,500 for this cycle is stupid. I'm happy we only spent that amount, because I thought it would be a lot more. And why is he putting a price tag on our kids???? He's spent more on unneccessary luxury items in our house that he barely uses. He talks about getting a $5K TV, a $30K pool. Aren't our kids worth more than all of these things combined? It makes me so mad. Is he considering the fact that we're getting a 2 for 1 deal possibly, so he won't even have to pay this money for IVF again? Ugh. Infuriating! It must be bad husband week in blog world, because I know some others of you have recently posted frustrations with your hubby.

Needless to say, I did not sleep well last night. Had a huge headache that did not let up, and some cramping. Now of course I'm even more worried that something will happen to one of my little embies, and I'm even more anxious about my appointment Monday. I won't know how to cope if we lose one. In many ways, the past two weeks have been more stressful than the beginning of the cycle. So much is at stake now.

Starting to Feel Real

I'm off today for the Columbus Day holiday, and the long weekend has been really good. Food is no longer appealing to me, and many things now make me nauseous. It's not as bad as the morning sickness that's got many of the other expectant ladies down, but I can tell that it's definitely a symptom. I seem to feel the worst in the afternoon. Eating something actually helps, but to do that I have to suppress my initial instinct to gag at the food. H has had an interesting time trying to cook for me. Yes, he's cooking--very sweet.

Friday night I caught H making a speadsheet of potential baby names. We've had a girl's name and a boy's name picked out since we were first married, but now with the twin factor there's room for some other names. Seeing H picking out names alarmed me at first because I don't want us to get too far ahead of ourselves, but then I gave in and joined him for about an hour. He continued plugging combinations in even after I went to bed. Now that the idea of having two is a little more real, I pray that they are both still onboard next week.

Yesterday, H told his Mom that I had my first ultrasound and slipped about the twins, saying "they're measuring at 5w4d." His Mom was like, they??? He told her he wasn't supposed to say anything yet and please keep it to herself. We'll see if she does. I guess it doesn't really matter. The RE says we can talk about there being twins after the 16th, so I figure we'll tell close family and friends who know about the IVF cycle then. We're going to wait until Thanksgiving to tell people who don't know about the IVF, because that will be near the start of my second trimester. Of course, the reality is that once we openly discuss the pregnancy with our parents, they will probably spread the news to the rest of the family before we even get the chance. Not a big deal--maybe we'll get less questions that way.

The Emotional Roller Coaster

Like so many parts of this crazy process, my exciting ultrasound from yesterday already feels like it was ages ago, and my next ultrasound feels even further away, even though it’s just a little more than a week from today on the 16th. Since H was out of town on business yesterday, I had to tell him the good news via a crappy cell phone connection. Originally he told me he didn’t want to hear over the phone, but by the time I got to work I already had three calls from him anxiously wondering what I had seen. It was sweet. I couldn’t say much, as I was at work, but I told him that I hoped he was okay with a 2 for 1 special and all looked as it should. He was thrilled. Really thrilled. He started thanking me he was so thrilled. It was endearing and a little scary. It sucks we had to be apart for this. He swore that nothing will come between him and the next appointment on the 16th. I hope it will be as happy.

H’s extreme positive reaction to the twin possibility was a little surprising to me, given that a few months ago he was adamant about only transferring one embryo because he didn’t want to risk complications with twins. Even though I convinced him to “do as the RE recommended and use two” at transfer, he was still worried. Now that it’s happened, he seems to have forgotten all of that. It’s not a big deal—I’m glad he’s more excited than concerned. It’s just that I’m feeling the reverse. I’ve wanted twins for as long as I’ve wanted kids. I never thought about complications because my grandmother, great grandmother, and cousin all had twins without problems. Now that I know the risks and know what it took us to get here, it’s more sobering.

A lot of people will tell me I “got what I wanted” when (if) we announce a twin pregnancy. My sister already did. (I had to tell someone other than H last night. She’s sworn to secrecy.) None of this is what I wanted, though. Twins aren’t a consolation for losing fertility. I’m still infertile. I still think like an infertile. I’ll always be an infertile. A much happier infertile with twins than without, of course, but some days, when it’s dreary like today, it’s hard not to be sad at what we had to go through to get to this point. And the extra worry I’ll carry as a result. Sorry for the rambling. It's frustrating to keep feeling such highs followed by such lows. I know, that sounds like an ad for depression. I don't think I'm depressed. Just a little worn.

On the symptoms front, food no longer really appeals to me, and I did have a few moments of very, very mild nausea earlier. I’m grazing on some healthy snacks anyhow. I’m very cranky (if you couldn’t tell from the depressed post), and I need to buy a new bra this weekend before there’s an accident from my overstretched ones exploding.

The IVF Game Show

My RE, Dr. Optimism, reminds me of a game show host. He’s charming, has solid good looks, and is always followed by an entourage of female nurse assistants. Of the three REs in the office I go to, he’s definitely “the celebrity.” Always busy, booked to the limit, and looked upon with awe. The other REs seem much more down to earth.

During this cycle, I only actually met with Dr. Optimism twice—both times for initial consultations/diagnosis. When it came time for the mock transfer, retrieval, and transfer, his calendar never lined up with mine. So, I know the other REs a little better. It made me laugh a bit then when I had to specifically take the one and only appointment Dr. Opt had free when it came time to schedule my first ob ultrasound, regardless of my schedule. My nurse informed me that Dr. Opt simply must be the one to do it. Now, I’m sure he was reading my charts every day, and he did call H after retrieval and transfer to check on us and give us a thumb’s up, but the real dirty work of my cycle belonged to other people. I feel gratitude to those folks just as much to him.

So I go in today, feeling a bit nauseous just because of my nerves, and sit patiently on the table waiting for him to enter the examination room. I feel my bladder filling with nervous pee as 15 minutes slowly tick by. Finally he enters, and I get the sparkly smile, a big handshake, and a congratulations for making it this far in the game. He starts to mess with the gel and stuff but then seems to realize—hey, wait—I have my own little Vanna White for this. He calls in a nurse and she takes over doing the little odds and ends to get everything ready.

Now, remember, Emmie, you’ve made it this far, but there’s still a few hurdles, he warns. Cautious optimism is a good idea, he adds, as he begins the examination.

My uterus appears on the screen and immediately I see what I believe are two sacs based upon sleepless nights spent with Dr. Google. The second one is out of view in a flash though, as Dr. Opt digs in and focuses on a large sac in the middle of the screen.

“Congratulations!” he says. “We’ve got one!” He explains to me the makeup of the sac, and I recognize the heartbeat before he can even point it out. Damn, I’m good, I think, as he points bright flickering out a moment later as if I wouldn’t know what it was. He seems to take his good old time examining the sac, like he’s doing it particularly for my benefit to get a good look. When several minutes have passed and he hasn’t moved on, I start to think the second sac I saw was just my imagination.
“Now wait, Emmie,” Dr. Opt suddenly says, “there’s more!” I knew it! The rehearsed way he sounded told me that he saw the second sac at the same initial second that I did, and here he was unveiling it like a bonus extra prize. Okay, I’ll play. “There’s more?” I say, eyes wide.

Congratulations again, he said. You have a second sac here. The second sac was much harder to see because the first one was kinda in the way. I could see the heartbeat flicker, though, after a few wand repositionings. He said they were placed perfectly fine though, and they measured exactly the same-- 5 weeks 4 days with heartbeats of 120. He said both were perfectly normal measurements, though I was a little surprised to see them measuring at 5w4d when I’m 6w2d. He said it was fine though, so I’ll consult Doc Google later.

At this point, my lady parts were getting very tired of being invaded. Afterall, nothing has come near them in several weeks. I was ready to be done, take my pictures and go, but Dr. Opt says, “let’s take one more look at what you’ve won” and moves back to sac A. No, he didn’t really say it in those words, but that was the sentiment. I was really sore at this point and forced a smile, wondering if the tear coming out of my left eye was from pain or joy.

I did let a few tears of pure joy spill out, after he finally released me from the wanding.

He asked how I was feeling as far as symptoms, and he was surprised that I had no morning sickness. The surprised look on his face coupled with the “Really? With all the hormones you have racing through you? Your hormones are really high right now!” did not make me feel better. I expected him to tell me the PC thing—that not everybody gets morning sickness—and I should count myself lucky. He didn’t. I mentioned my increased appetite, and he cautioned me not to overdo it because there’s no need to gain much weight in the first trimester. Gee thanks. I know that.

He examined my hips to see if I had lumps from the PIO shots, (he must not have believed me when I said I didn’t) and he expressed surprise at seeing how well my backside was holding up. “Whatever you’re doing,” he said, “don’t stop. I can’t believe your body’s good reactions to all these things.” Yippee! I have a super IVF body.

In between the happy talk, he did tell me not to spread the word about the pregnancy until after the next ultrasound in 10 days, just to be on the safe side. After that, he said, I’d be released into regular care and I should be good to go. We all know that there’ll still be plenty to worry about, but I won’t dwell on that for now. Today, I’m too busy looking at pictures of my two-for-one super prize. I’m so, so happy.

Thank you all for your support and reassuring words yesterday. It means the world to me. I am so glad I can share this with you, because no matter what happens, this is real right now and should be acknowledged.

I only wanted a haircut...

So, now I share with you my latest annoying encounter with a fertile, as I mark a very tenuous 6 weeks with embryo and await my first ultrasound.

I got a much needed haircut on Monday. I had avoided getting my hair cut during my cycle because I had this eerie foresight that my hairdresser might set me off. I had no reason to think she would—she is a nice woman, not too much older than myself, who cuts hair for most of my neighborhood.

I get in the chair, we chat about the weather, and she hits me with—So, what’s your deal? Can you not have kids?

Uh, um, what?!??!? My mind reeled. Then I was angry. What the hell kind of question was that? What prompted it?

I breathed in deep and tried to act like a fertile.

“Why, I’m perfectly capable of having kids,” I said. “In fact, it’s too early for me to talk about, but I’m already on my way by a little more than a month.”

This prompted much excitement and congratulations, and she claimed her question was driven by “her mother’s instinct” telling her something was up. (She has three kids.) Okay, if that was your instinct, why did you phrase the question that way? Why not just ask whether I’m thinking of having kids soon like every other annoying person? Do fertiles now have to take annoying to the next level? Am I giving off strong “I’m pregnant from IVF” vibes or something? I’m only 30 people! Shouldn’t I have a few more years until your suspicions about my fertility or lack there of can be vocalized?

Thank God I did not get my haircut while I was cycling. If she had asked that question then, I have no idea how I would have answered. I probably would have cried. Why are people so stupid to ask questions that could have painful answers? I could see if I was close to this woman, but I’m not.

So, the rest of the appointment was spent listening to her giving me assvice about pregnancy, and she offered me a barely used crib that she no longer needs for her daughter. I said thanks, but it’s really too early for me to think about that, and I’d be happy to let her know once the first trimester is over. Which she immediately assumed meant I must have a history of problems to be so concerned, blah, blah, blah. I could not wait to get out of there. I may need a new hairdresser. Unfortunately, it was the best cut I’d gotten in a long time. I guess, if everything works out and I’m still pregnant next month, I will go back. If I’m not, there’s no way I will.

Why Am I Not Puking?!?

Scared shitless. That’s me these days. Not because of spotting, not because of extreme abdominal pain. But because I still really don’t feel much of anything new symptom wise, and I haven't had a hint of morning sickness. I never thought I'd be so anxious to feel nauseous.

Tomorrow is my ultrasound. I could leave the appointment elated, or I could leave wanting to curl up and die. It all depends on what the RE sees when he takes a look at what’s become of my two little 7-celled embryos. I read some blogs of folks listed as “expecting” on the blogrolls of sites I like and was horrified to find that some of them didn’t have happy endings after all. Some had morning sickness, saw a heartbeat, and then had it all go to crap a week or two later. Other saw their symptoms recede and their once lovely sacs disappear on the second ultrasound. It’s driving me crazy. There are just so few happy stories we ladies have to tell. It’s not right. The miscarriage rates are supposed to be pretty low, especially after you see a heartbeat, so why does it seem that the number of tragedies is much higher in blogword than it should be? I think I need to take a step back from searching out new blogs to “reassure myself” and just stick to the blogs I already read for camaraderie purposes.

I also signed up for an IVF discussion board, and nervously entered a chat room for those “expecting after IVF.” I was comforted for my lack of symptoms, being told that lots of women don’t have morning sickness and are still perfectly pregnant. But they were still there—horror stories of losses after pregnancies that seemed so secure. It’s awful. For me, this is worse than the 2ww, just as waiting to see if any of my eggs fertilized was the most stressful part of the cycle.

Okay, I’m still needing reassurance—anybody out there who didn’t have morning sickness and still had a normal pregnancy??? I never thought I’d see the day when I was so eager to be throwing up.

Oh--I just had some twinges in my stomach. Ugh! Not knowing everything is okay is killing me. Please, please, please God, let me have good news tomorrow! I'll be reporting to you all around noon.