Sorry for the silence, but I've been feeling a little sicker this week. Overall, the hints of morning sickness thrill me because I know something is still going right in there, but combined with the extreme fatigue I haven't been good for much of anything other than staring blankly into space once I get home from work. Today I have an awful headache, and its because of a fight I had last night with H.
I was in a good mood when I got home--a couple of things started going right with a few house issues we've been trying to resolve, plus I had just booked my next business trip and H ahd agreed to come along. I love having a trip to look forward to. This one is timed just perfect, because it means I will miss the baby shower of another cousin who has fallen pregnant acccidentally and out of wedlock. I'm not judging people who have kids accidentally, but it just rubs the IF in my face a litle more every time I see how obnoxiously over fertile the rest of my family is.
So, I'm feeling good as I check the mail. I see a thick bill from my clinic. Heart pounding, I open it, and start sweating as I turn page after page of fees, not seeing what my end balance is but what the pre-insurance costs are. Boy was it a lot. I imagined how hard reading this would be if the beta had been negative. But it wasn't. No matter what the end cost, I thought, it was worth every penny and more. I get to the last page with the total amount owed by me--100 bucks. Really?!?! Now, I'm suspicious that a few other bills might come my way as they always drag on after a medical procedure, but this one seemed to cover everything. Between the insurance coverage and my good response to the meds that led me to need only half the dosage originally prescribed by my nurse (a savings of $1,500), I thought we made out like bandits. I was thrilled.
H gets home and I tell him how happy I am to see the low bill. He starts going through it, item by item, questioning a bunch of stuff. It started to irritate me. Sure, make sure you understand what you're being billed for, but come on--this was only 100 bucks total. I don't think they were ripping us off anywhere. I knew I was overreacting a little, so I kept it to myself and didn't complain when he said he was going to call the office and ask about a few things. (The bill lists all my meds and their costs, which he thought was weird since that was self-pay and taken care of through the pharmacy.)
So then he asks me when I will get released to the regular ObGyn, and I tell him that our RE said I would be released after our appointment this Monday, and that in addition to the ObGyn the RE was going to refer me to a Periontologist due to the twin factor. To which he replies--You're kidding? Another co-pay we'll have to deal with? Inside, I fumed. I couldn't believe that he was going to complain about a stinking $40 co-pay after all we'd been through. What if we weren't successful? What if we had to do all this agin? So I said--hey, at least you're not the one being poked and prodded by a million different people. I'd like to see you take my place for a week. This infuriated him, and he actually yelled at me about how insensitive I was, and how vindictive it was of me to wish any of it on him. WTF???
I tried to keep it together, but then I lost it. Bawling. Sobbing. Almost to the point of hyperventalism. I left the room to calm down and wouldn't let him talk to me--it only upset me more. I'm still upset. He apologized for upsetting me but does not feel he didn't anything wrong. He said he was just venting about how much these kids will cost when they aren't even born yet, and how it wasn't fair that our friends paid nothing to have their kids. I thought this was incredibly shallow of him, given how many people have spent thousands of dollars already and are still waiting for their positive. I told him I understand if he feels bad about the money spent, but keep it to himself because I do not agree with him and given what I've been through physically and emotionally, the money issue isn't even on my radar.
He's still mad at me because I won't acknowledge how he feels. I'm sorry, but I think being upset that we spent approximately $2,500 for this cycle is stupid. I'm happy we only spent that amount, because I thought it would be a lot more. And why is he putting a price tag on our kids???? He's spent more on unneccessary luxury items in our house that he barely uses. He talks about getting a $5K TV, a $30K pool. Aren't our kids worth more than all of these things combined? It makes me so mad. Is he considering the fact that we're getting a 2 for 1 deal possibly, so he won't even have to pay this money for IVF again? Ugh. Infuriating! It must be bad husband week in blog world, because I know some others of you have recently posted frustrations with your hubby.
Needless to say, I did not sleep well last night. Had a huge headache that did not let up, and some cramping. Now of course I'm even more worried that something will happen to one of my little embies, and I'm even more anxious about my appointment Monday. I won't know how to cope if we lose one. In many ways, the past two weeks have been more stressful than the beginning of the cycle. So much is at stake now.
9 comments:
I've had arguments with my husband about this topic too. I felt like he was putting a price tag on having a baby, which really pissed me off because I'm the one getting poked and prodded by millions of people. All he has to do is do it in a cup and deal with my hormones! It was almost like he thought I wasn't aware of or didn't care about all the fees associated with IVF. But how could I not be aware of a $25,000 charge to our credit card? And how could I not care? $25,000 is the price of a car!
So we came to the following agreement: He can feel however he wants to feel about all the fees related to IVF. But I don't want to hear about it because I can't hear about it. The emotional burden of IVF is too great for me to also have to worry about the financial burden as well.
Since then, we haven't had any issues related to the cost of IVF. My job is to deal with all the doctor's appointments and take the shots without complaining. His job is to deal with the financial aspect. Both of us deal with me on hormones and the emotional strain of all the waiting. It's the only way we've been able to get through it. I'm sure this wouldn't work for everyone, but it worked for us and has made IVF a little easier for both of us to deal with.
I'm sorry this has been so stressful for you both. I'm glad that you're sick, as far as symptoms go, but I know it makes you feel crappy, so I'm sorry about that.
The money thing is a huge elephant in the room, but in our case I have been the one worrying about money, and hubbie has been pretty good about saying "don't worry about it." We are completely self-pay and have no insurance coverage for IVF, so it hits extra hard. Feels like we're gambling for a chance at a baby - not a good feeling at all. I'm relieved for the package deal we have with our Doc, but there is no refund if we are not successful after our 4th fresh/xx FET is finished. I worry about that.
I just got some medications donated to me (after we already purchased them for this cycle) but I at least feel better about if we need a 3rd cycle that we'll save some money there.
Men are just different at dealing with emotions - and sometimes the timing on these differences just sucks.
I hope you have a better weekend and both of you can feel positive about the pregnancy and your finances. It is a difficult place to be.
Will be anxiously awaiting your appointment update on Monday!
Oh, sorry to hear all of that. I completely agree with you. Sometimes my husband will latch onto things that don't matter and it pisses me off to no end. He needs to try to see the bigger picture here like you are. I hope he realizes he's being a bonehead and kisses up to you all weekend! Take care of yourself and I hope to hear great news on Monday!
Hi,
I just randomly surfed by.. Would like to say that I hope everything goes well for you. I pray that things between you & your hubby get better too - that he'll understand your point of view.
All the best !
I'm sorry this is such a tough issue between you and your husband. IF and money - two impossibly big stresses, then add them together, ugh.
I hope that a wonderful experience on monday makes this whole thing completely academic.
My heart goes out to you! I am totally with you on the cost thing. I mean, you'd be paying co-pays if you had gotten pregnant accidentally with twins, so the only different cost is the IVF cost. It's already spent, so it's probably best to forget about it. (Easier said than done, I'm sure.)
Hang in there. I'm eager to hear how your appt. Monday goes!
Yes, it was definitely a bad hubby week in the blogosphere! Maybe they are all PMSing or something! haha!
I agree, I think your hubbie is crazy to be upset about a $40 co-pay to the peri. In the long-run it will all be worth it - especially if you do need to catch something early to assure that your little ones stay safe. Hopefully he will think about it some more and realize what he is saying.
I hope you actually pointed out the difference between kids and the material possessions. I was just thinking on my way home yesterday about how little material possessions really mean to me. Yeah, a lot of things are nice to have but they don't make my life worth living. A baby would.
A $40 co-pay is only the beginning with children -- wait until he starts to see the bills for clothing, formula, diapers, uh.... college. :)
Good luck! I'm thinking about you!
Argh! How frustrating husbands can be! Tell him I have no pity, we've spent well over 7k and are just getting one baby - at least he might get to use his "buy one, get one free" coupon!
But I stopped by tonight to tell you that I asked my RE today about the measurements. She said that they just want to see the baby measure within a week of where you are, which is why your 5w4d measurement at 6weeks was just fine :)
Anyway, go tell your DH it's a good thing we don't have a way to track him down - otherwise he might meet up with a mean gang of infertiles in a dark alley one night! ;)
Oh Emily...As if going through the heartbreak of IF wasn't enough-it normally goes hand in hand with spousal disagreements...Mainly because I think we're always on a different page-one's happy one day, the other's sad...we're never on the same page the same day. He'll come around though-they always seem to realize we're right in the end ;) Anyway, relax this weekend-take a nap, get some rest...and ENJOY! Can't wait to hear your next beta #'s!
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