Anxious

I’m trying to work while waiting for today’s embryo update, and it isn’t easy. I’m anxious to know whether we will transfer tomorrow or wait until Sunday. I’m worried to know what condition my 6 little guys/gals are in. Sometimes, I write so much on my blog because it’s the only thing I can do to stay sane. I can’t focus on anything else. If this cycle doesn’t work and we need to try again, I’m going to seriously need to get a grip so that I can maybe devote 10 percent of my thoughts to something other than IVF.

I wonder if part of my anxiety is due to my stupid control freak nature that’s saying to me—you were supposed to have a baby by now. We said by 30, remember? We told everybody by 30. What must they be thinking? You turn 31 in a few months. Oh, why did you have to put a time stamp on it? If you hadn’t would you be feeling this external pressure on top of the sadness and frustration?

I have planned my life in 5-year increments, and this was supposed to be the year of the baby. And it won’t be. For the first time in my life, I know I have no real control. I have worked hard, planned, prepared, and waited to build the life I had envisioned for myself. I have done things by the book. Now the book is being thrown out the window and I’m lost. IF has taught me that I have a core strength that I never knew existed. It has also sucked so much joy out of me. If this cycle fails, how do I pick myself up and pretend like nothing is wrong, even though I know I can handle round two? If it works, how will I face people’s reaction to my pregnancy? How will I face people period? I was around several happy parents this morning chattering about their kids, and it made me feel ill.

H said to me this morning that he will never be over this, and if we are lucky enough to get pregnant, he won’t feel safe until the kid turns 18. No matter what happens with this cycle, our journey to cope with IF is only just beginning.