Tomorrow, May 8, is a bitter sweet day. My little boys turn two, and I mark the second anniverary of the most nightmarish experience I hope I'll ever have. What was supposed to be one of the best days of my life was one of my worst, and almost my last. The dual nature of the day is something I have to live with--but at least I'm here to live it. Two years ago tomorrow I should have been dead by all my doctors' accounts due to the severe complications I endured during my labor.
This year my journey to recovery has continued with a significant milestone. I had my abdominoplasty surgery on September 22. I am so happy to tell you all that it went wonderfully and that I am healing well. No, insurance never paid a dime. But not being able to see my intestines moving beneath my skin anymore--priceless. :)
The weekend leading up to the surgery I had a unique oppotunity to be interviewed for an informational video on women's pregancy disorders. They wanted me to share my story. The woman doing the video and interviewing me had had a similar experience to mine. It was healing emotionally to meet someone else who had been such a medical mystery to her doctors and had lived to talk about it. Our husbands also bonded.
The day of the surgery I was beyond terrified. It was a horrible thing to walk into the same hospital were I had spent several weeks in the ICU, leaving my boys at home and not knowing when I'd get to hold them again. As I was wheeled into the operating room, I caught a glimpse of a familliar face--the mother of my boys' Godmother is a nurse and she had randomly been assigned to my floor that day. If that's not a blessing I don't know what is. She was with me when I woke up.
H stayed with me overnight in the hospital and I felt so much better than I thought I would that I couldn't believe it. I was able to get up to go to the bathroom on my own and eat dinner. We watched TV. I slept through the night. It just showed me how very, very ill I had been the last time I had stayed in that hospital.
I went home from the hospital the next day, and my parents stayed with us for a few weeks while I was recovery. It took me 3 months before I could pick up the boys again, but I was downstairs watching them play a few days after the surgery. I feel so much better now that I've had the surgery that it is amazing. So far I have had no complications other than the usual swelling, which will take about a year to go away completely.
The boys are great. They say a lot of words now, and they can count to ten very clearly. They don't speak in many sentences yet (mainly "more food, "need help"), but the one sentence they do say on a regular basis is "I love (ove) you, Momma." Now how great is that?
May was once my favorite time of year, but now as the flowers bloom and the weather starts to warm up, I get a sort of feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. The last remains of post traumatic stress bouncing around my psyche I suppose. I gave up therapy more than a year ago and have overall been doing just fine. I just need to beat these anniversary blues. I'm sure as more years pass I will. My doctors still remind me how surprised they are that I'm here--maybe I should get new doctors? But, being reminded that you shouldn't even be here right now certainly puts things into perspective when you're having a bad day.
Going through infertility has given me an appreciation for my kids that I think some may never understand. Likewise, my near-death experience has given me an appreciation for my life that I didn't have. It's easy to say "don't take things for granted," but once you really get close to losing them it opens up a whole new level of understanding. Not that other people don't love and value their lives and their kids lives. It's just an extra awareness that you have.
I can't expect that I have any readers left, but if you are out there--thank you for supporting me and being my friend. It's been quite an adventure. I'm glad that it has ended well and I wish you the best of luck on your journeys. I'm still out there lurking, but my other blog friends say things much better than I do so I'll leave the blogging to them. It's time for me to get on with things...
Happy May!
Emmie
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Monday, August 11, 2008
Hello Again!
Hey everybody!
So the last time I posted, WAAAAY back in February, I said I was going to try to renew the blog. Ha...instead everybody got colds, one at a time, and we were a mess for about 3 weeks. After that, time just kept slipping away and I never got around to posting, though I still visit the blogs of my closest blog friends. I haven't forgotten the people who were with me during my darkest times!!!
So, an update is in order. Well, insurance never reversed its decision about my surgery, and to top it off my insurance changed to a new company last month that won't cover any plastic srugery under any circumstances, medically necessary or not, so I'm left footing the bill. I finally gave in and scheduled the full abdominoplasty for late September, and I am absoultely dreading it. Not only am I out of a considerable chunck of change, I just can't bear the thought of going back to the hospital and having such a major surgery. I dread the long recovery and not being able to pick up my boys or rough house with them. I feel like I finally have a life again, but that I'll have to put it on hold once again. Still, every time I look at my stomach and see or feel my intestines move just beneath the surface, I know that my abdominal wall must be repaired, whether insurance thinks so or not. So, let's just hope this procedure is a lot less complicated that my delivery of the boys...
And on to the boys, the best part of my life...
They are awesome. So worth everything we went through to have them. I am so happy to have survived to be able to raise them. They started walking on their 14 month birthday, and now they are practically running at 15 months. I call--Come to Mommy--and they run over, tackling me with hugs and kisses. It is just awesome. They give these huge open-mouthed kisses that crack me up. When they come toddling towards me and actually do things to make me laugh, I can't get over how lucky I am.
I feel insanely busy every day and I lead a way over-scheduled life, with every hour planned, but my playtime with the boys is true bliss. The schedule and routine is essential to our sanity though, so I'll live with the fact that every moment of my day is accounted for right now.
Our first year with our au pair already concluded, and we now have a new au pair who is equally great with the boys. It's hard getting someone new acclimated to our home, our family, and the culture while sharing our focus with the boys and full time jobs, but H and I are managing. Some days I'm so stressed I think I'm just going to keel over, but other days I feel very competent and in control. I probably need to give up some of my control issues. :)
I hope you all are well and I'll try to update a little more frequently.
So the last time I posted, WAAAAY back in February, I said I was going to try to renew the blog. Ha...instead everybody got colds, one at a time, and we were a mess for about 3 weeks. After that, time just kept slipping away and I never got around to posting, though I still visit the blogs of my closest blog friends. I haven't forgotten the people who were with me during my darkest times!!!
So, an update is in order. Well, insurance never reversed its decision about my surgery, and to top it off my insurance changed to a new company last month that won't cover any plastic srugery under any circumstances, medically necessary or not, so I'm left footing the bill. I finally gave in and scheduled the full abdominoplasty for late September, and I am absoultely dreading it. Not only am I out of a considerable chunck of change, I just can't bear the thought of going back to the hospital and having such a major surgery. I dread the long recovery and not being able to pick up my boys or rough house with them. I feel like I finally have a life again, but that I'll have to put it on hold once again. Still, every time I look at my stomach and see or feel my intestines move just beneath the surface, I know that my abdominal wall must be repaired, whether insurance thinks so or not. So, let's just hope this procedure is a lot less complicated that my delivery of the boys...
And on to the boys, the best part of my life...
They are awesome. So worth everything we went through to have them. I am so happy to have survived to be able to raise them. They started walking on their 14 month birthday, and now they are practically running at 15 months. I call--Come to Mommy--and they run over, tackling me with hugs and kisses. It is just awesome. They give these huge open-mouthed kisses that crack me up. When they come toddling towards me and actually do things to make me laugh, I can't get over how lucky I am.
I feel insanely busy every day and I lead a way over-scheduled life, with every hour planned, but my playtime with the boys is true bliss. The schedule and routine is essential to our sanity though, so I'll live with the fact that every moment of my day is accounted for right now.
Our first year with our au pair already concluded, and we now have a new au pair who is equally great with the boys. It's hard getting someone new acclimated to our home, our family, and the culture while sharing our focus with the boys and full time jobs, but H and I are managing. Some days I'm so stressed I think I'm just going to keel over, but other days I feel very competent and in control. I probably need to give up some of my control issues. :)
I hope you all are well and I'll try to update a little more frequently.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Nothing Better
Thanks for all of your encouragement after my last post. I'm going to wait until I know my insurance appeals definitely won't work before I turn to the media, but if the appeal fails I'm ready to get the word out for help.
In the meantime, let's talk good things...twins!!!
I think their progress has been really great. They are both really happy almost all of the time now (such a relief from the first 3 to 4 months when they cried so much and little would comfort them.) They babble like crazy and are quite good at getting what they want. They both do some super cute yoga moves in addition to crawling (hands and tiptoes on the floor with their heads down and butts high in the air.) The youngest hasn't shown any signs of a tooth yet but I think it should be any day now with all the drool. The oldest played with a rubber ducky in the tub last night for the first time. He likes to give big, open mouth kisses to the side of my face, which is kinda scary as he has two very sharp teeth. I'm not sure if he's really kissing me or trying to suck my face like a vampire, but he and I both find it hilarious. The youngest is fascinated with sticking out his tongue. If you get too close, he will lick you and then smile the sweetest smile you have ever seen.
Both sit up pretty well now and for long periods of time, but when they do fall over it causes quite a few tears. Oldest now shows off by pulling up to a standing position and then letting go with one hand. I feel like this is very advanced for 8 months, but I have other mothers asking me if they're walking yet. (huh???) Littlest shows no interest in pulling up yet. It's amazing how the milestones just suddenly happen though. One day they're happy just to hang out on the floor, the next day the Big'un is waving at me from his crib while I change his brother.
Of course, having twins means that people will make comparisons and try to worry you. MIL has expressed concerns that Littlest is not as advanced in mobility/standing as Biggest. Ugh. Forget trying to explain that they are individuals and will do things at different speeds. I try to just ease her worries and forget about it, but sometimes it gets to me.
In the meantime, let's talk good things...twins!!!
I think their progress has been really great. They are both really happy almost all of the time now (such a relief from the first 3 to 4 months when they cried so much and little would comfort them.) They babble like crazy and are quite good at getting what they want. They both do some super cute yoga moves in addition to crawling (hands and tiptoes on the floor with their heads down and butts high in the air.) The youngest hasn't shown any signs of a tooth yet but I think it should be any day now with all the drool. The oldest played with a rubber ducky in the tub last night for the first time. He likes to give big, open mouth kisses to the side of my face, which is kinda scary as he has two very sharp teeth. I'm not sure if he's really kissing me or trying to suck my face like a vampire, but he and I both find it hilarious. The youngest is fascinated with sticking out his tongue. If you get too close, he will lick you and then smile the sweetest smile you have ever seen.
Both sit up pretty well now and for long periods of time, but when they do fall over it causes quite a few tears. Oldest now shows off by pulling up to a standing position and then letting go with one hand. I feel like this is very advanced for 8 months, but I have other mothers asking me if they're walking yet. (huh???) Littlest shows no interest in pulling up yet. It's amazing how the milestones just suddenly happen though. One day they're happy just to hang out on the floor, the next day the Big'un is waving at me from his crib while I change his brother.
Of course, having twins means that people will make comparisons and try to worry you. MIL has expressed concerns that Littlest is not as advanced in mobility/standing as Biggest. Ugh. Forget trying to explain that they are individuals and will do things at different speeds. I try to just ease her worries and forget about it, but sometimes it gets to me.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Let's Get This Party Started
For those of you who have been long-time readers of Fertility Lost, you may have noticed that I'm trying to update the look of the blog and add a few new elements. (Please take my survey in the side bar!)I totally screwed up my blogroll and still have to redo it, so please bare with me. I'll never have a fancy site. Knowing this, I realized I need to get off my butt and write or give this up all together. No one likes a stale blog, right?
So here it is, folks. My attempt to renew my blog. I hope I still have some readers left out there and I hope maybe I'll pick up some new ones. My focus: parenting twins after infertility, with a few diatribes about post-partum depression, post tramautic stress, HE.LLP syndrome, having an au pair, and other things that go bump in the night. Throw in a few photos of some deliciously adorable twin babies, a documentary about my efforts to get my much-needed abdominal surgery covered by insurance, and some bad in-law stories, and I think we'll have a blog worth visiting again.
So, what's new, you ask? Here it is in a nutshell:
My therpaist has pronounced me over my post traumatic stress syndrome and post-partum depression. Hooray! Life is good, no? Well, my big lesson in therapy is that life is still going to be pretty crappy sometimes and that's okay. What matters is how I handle it. And indeed, life is still crappy a lot of the time, as you will see in Exhibit B...
My battle with my health insurance rages on, as three separate doctors have written strongly worded letters expressing the medical necessity of my abdominoplasty. So far, these letters have done nothing but produce more denial letters from Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois. That's right, I'm calling you out by name, BCBSIL! As I continue to walk around each day with my intestines and internal organs unprotected by any muscle tissue, I get angrier and angrier. Look soon for a You Tube video showing the world how I can watch my intestines moving right beneath my skin. I'm hoping some word of mouth about my condition will get me some much needed attention. My docs have suggested I take my story to the media. So blogger friends, I may be enlisting your help to spread my story and outrage over this lack of attention to what is a very serious medical condition. I'm awaiting word on my appeal right now. If it's unfavorable, I'm taking the next step to get some help.
My babies are fabulous. I am absolutely in love with them. They make the health insurance battle and the abdominal pain I'm experiencing bearable. Baby A pulls up now and has two teeth. Baby B has a passion for solid food and is crawling on his knees. They are truly the light of my life and have made this whole experience worth all the pain and misery. I couldn't have said that a few months ago. I'm finally seeing the light after a very difficult recovery. Much more on the babies in posts to come. I just don't know where to start.
So here it is, folks. My attempt to renew my blog. I hope I still have some readers left out there and I hope maybe I'll pick up some new ones. My focus: parenting twins after infertility, with a few diatribes about post-partum depression, post tramautic stress, HE.LLP syndrome, having an au pair, and other things that go bump in the night. Throw in a few photos of some deliciously adorable twin babies, a documentary about my efforts to get my much-needed abdominal surgery covered by insurance, and some bad in-law stories, and I think we'll have a blog worth visiting again.
So, what's new, you ask? Here it is in a nutshell:
My therpaist has pronounced me over my post traumatic stress syndrome and post-partum depression. Hooray! Life is good, no? Well, my big lesson in therapy is that life is still going to be pretty crappy sometimes and that's okay. What matters is how I handle it. And indeed, life is still crappy a lot of the time, as you will see in Exhibit B...
My battle with my health insurance rages on, as three separate doctors have written strongly worded letters expressing the medical necessity of my abdominoplasty. So far, these letters have done nothing but produce more denial letters from Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois. That's right, I'm calling you out by name, BCBSIL! As I continue to walk around each day with my intestines and internal organs unprotected by any muscle tissue, I get angrier and angrier. Look soon for a You Tube video showing the world how I can watch my intestines moving right beneath my skin. I'm hoping some word of mouth about my condition will get me some much needed attention. My docs have suggested I take my story to the media. So blogger friends, I may be enlisting your help to spread my story and outrage over this lack of attention to what is a very serious medical condition. I'm awaiting word on my appeal right now. If it's unfavorable, I'm taking the next step to get some help.
My babies are fabulous. I am absolutely in love with them. They make the health insurance battle and the abdominal pain I'm experiencing bearable. Baby A pulls up now and has two teeth. Baby B has a passion for solid food and is crawling on his knees. They are truly the light of my life and have made this whole experience worth all the pain and misery. I couldn't have said that a few months ago. I'm finally seeing the light after a very difficult recovery. Much more on the babies in posts to come. I just don't know where to start.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Happy New Year!
I hope all my blog friends and readers out there have a wonderful 2008. I am optimistic that 2008 will be much better than 2007; of course, I had been optimistic that 2007 would be much, much better than 2006. And in many ways it was. And hey, I'm here to see 2008, with babies, so that's what really counts, right?
This year I've really learned about living in the present. During the pregnancy I focused on each and every day that the babies were growing inside me. Every day I got closer to having "term" twins was an accomplishment. I didn't look far ahead of myself. The same happened when I was in the hospital. Some days I really lived minute to minute. As I healed that became hour to hour, day to day. Now with all the challenges of raising two babies at once I'm still living in the moment, handling one thing at a time and not getting too far ahead of myself. Yeah, I sometimes google private school tuition rates and dream of a day when I won't need so much child care, but for the most part I'm taking it one day at a time and loving it.
This was the best Christmas ever, hands down, for me and H. The babies were so great, even though we had them around different groups of relatives and friends almost every day for two weeks. I finally feel whole, like my life is complete. No one is missing anymore. Now all I have to do is enjoy it. And I am. No New Year's resolutions this year. Just grateful to see each day and what it brings.
This year I've really learned about living in the present. During the pregnancy I focused on each and every day that the babies were growing inside me. Every day I got closer to having "term" twins was an accomplishment. I didn't look far ahead of myself. The same happened when I was in the hospital. Some days I really lived minute to minute. As I healed that became hour to hour, day to day. Now with all the challenges of raising two babies at once I'm still living in the moment, handling one thing at a time and not getting too far ahead of myself. Yeah, I sometimes google private school tuition rates and dream of a day when I won't need so much child care, but for the most part I'm taking it one day at a time and loving it.
This was the best Christmas ever, hands down, for me and H. The babies were so great, even though we had them around different groups of relatives and friends almost every day for two weeks. I finally feel whole, like my life is complete. No one is missing anymore. Now all I have to do is enjoy it. And I am. No New Year's resolutions this year. Just grateful to see each day and what it brings.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The Happiest Season of All
It's the most magical time of the year, right? Not for everyone. It seems that all of my real-life close friends are all having really rough times right now. What's going on, universe? Here's to a much better 2008.
I can't say my life is just peachy yet as my surgery still looms over me, but I must say that life with babies is a hell of a lot better than life without babies. Yes, I am tired, and yes, I sometimes long for the days when I could take a nap or jot off to run an errand without thinking twice, but I am so, so happy to have my two little boys. They are the sweetest things ever, and I can't imagine living life without them.
This knowledge just makes me even more disgusted with all the people who spout "just adopt" or "move on" to infertiles seeking treatment. Geesh. Kids are so important. We all know it. Why pretend that infertiles aren't missing something when we so clearly are?
After everything that happened, I'd still do it again in a heartbeat to have these two little people in my life. I am so lucky. I have everything I want for Christmas.
My one boy said dadada repeatedly this weekend, and the other said momomomom, with very distinct articulation. What a great feeling to hear those sounds, even if the babies have no idea what they mean.
I can't say my life is just peachy yet as my surgery still looms over me, but I must say that life with babies is a hell of a lot better than life without babies. Yes, I am tired, and yes, I sometimes long for the days when I could take a nap or jot off to run an errand without thinking twice, but I am so, so happy to have my two little boys. They are the sweetest things ever, and I can't imagine living life without them.
This knowledge just makes me even more disgusted with all the people who spout "just adopt" or "move on" to infertiles seeking treatment. Geesh. Kids are so important. We all know it. Why pretend that infertiles aren't missing something when we so clearly are?
After everything that happened, I'd still do it again in a heartbeat to have these two little people in my life. I am so lucky. I have everything I want for Christmas.
My one boy said dadada repeatedly this weekend, and the other said momomomom, with very distinct articulation. What a great feeling to hear those sounds, even if the babies have no idea what they mean.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Adoption
Hey GLouise--Thanks for your comment to my last post; I was wondering where your blog went! Yes, please tell me what I need to do to still read your blog. I really am interested in adopting one day. I don't know if it's feasible for me, but I've found your story very inspiring.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Another Day
No fear--I'm not leaving my blog. I guess the conflict is really internal. How do I come here and vent about stuff when the most important fact remains...I have two wonderful, healthy children. Can't that be enough?
When do the bouts of depression go away? When do I start living my life like I actually enjoy it?
I thought I was doing a lot better. I even thought I might quit the therapy, as it really doesn't seem like much goes on in my sessions.
But then I had a really bad day, which turned into a bad weekend, which now promises to turn into a bad week. I'm consumed by this black cloud of misery.
It started when insurance denied my claim. I'm mustering up the effort to appeal but I haven't gotten that far yet. I'm just so emotionally tired. Then it got worse when I dented my car last week on a pole in a parking garage. One second of carelessness is going to cost me $1,000 in repairs. There goes my Xmas bonus. There goes trying to restore some of my depleted savings. There goes saving towards my surgery which I doubt will get covered even after an appeal. G--d---it!!! When am I going to get a break?
And the one voice in my head says...you did get a break. You have two healthy sons. You're here for yet another day. Yes, money is tight, but you can pay your bills. You have a good job. A good spouse. A spouse who has a good job. Why are you complaining?
Why?--my other voice replies. Because I'm surrounded by friends and family who have been through none of these problems and have all the same things I've had to fight almost to death for. Do I begrudge them their good fortune? No, of course not. I'm just mad at the universe. I'm stuck in a cycle of "Why Me????" Why does everything have to be so hard for me. I've had a string of bad luck for the past 2 years now and I'm waiting for the universe to just let up on me for a little bit. Cut me a break. Send a few pick-me-ups my way. Something. Anything to say, yes, things have been tough lately, but it's nothing personal. Good stuff will still happen for you, too. All this suffering will balance out.
Or is this suffering just the tip of the iceburg? Things could get so much worse. I could just use a little coddling right now, universe. If you don't mind.
When do the bouts of depression go away? When do I start living my life like I actually enjoy it?
I thought I was doing a lot better. I even thought I might quit the therapy, as it really doesn't seem like much goes on in my sessions.
But then I had a really bad day, which turned into a bad weekend, which now promises to turn into a bad week. I'm consumed by this black cloud of misery.
It started when insurance denied my claim. I'm mustering up the effort to appeal but I haven't gotten that far yet. I'm just so emotionally tired. Then it got worse when I dented my car last week on a pole in a parking garage. One second of carelessness is going to cost me $1,000 in repairs. There goes my Xmas bonus. There goes trying to restore some of my depleted savings. There goes saving towards my surgery which I doubt will get covered even after an appeal. G--d---it!!! When am I going to get a break?
And the one voice in my head says...you did get a break. You have two healthy sons. You're here for yet another day. Yes, money is tight, but you can pay your bills. You have a good job. A good spouse. A spouse who has a good job. Why are you complaining?
Why?--my other voice replies. Because I'm surrounded by friends and family who have been through none of these problems and have all the same things I've had to fight almost to death for. Do I begrudge them their good fortune? No, of course not. I'm just mad at the universe. I'm stuck in a cycle of "Why Me????" Why does everything have to be so hard for me. I've had a string of bad luck for the past 2 years now and I'm waiting for the universe to just let up on me for a little bit. Cut me a break. Send a few pick-me-ups my way. Something. Anything to say, yes, things have been tough lately, but it's nothing personal. Good stuff will still happen for you, too. All this suffering will balance out.
Or is this suffering just the tip of the iceburg? Things could get so much worse. I could just use a little coddling right now, universe. If you don't mind.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Where Do We Go From Here?
I'm at a crossroads. So many of my blogger buddies have quit blogging, as you can see from visiting the sites on my blog roll (which I just realized I accidentally deleted...I guess it's time to clean house.) Some have said goodbye, like dear Meg, one of my very first friends here, while others have simply disappeared.
It seems like an infertility blog is a hard place to keep coming to once you've achieved the ultimate goal--children. If you're trying for more, you usually stick around, and the blog remains laregly about infertility. If you're done building your family, your blog becomes focused on your kid(s). Those blogs are often twinged with survivor's guilt, and either they morph into a new Mommy blog or they simply end.
Then there is me. I have my two wonderful babies, and I'm done family building. Not because I want to be done, but because I have to be. There will be no more treatments for me. Adoption is highly unlikely given my financials these days. Plus, I feel like couples without any kids yet should have the first shot at adopting...(you know, the whole survivor's guilt thing.)So do I keep blogging as an infertile? Do I convert to a Mommy blog? I still feel like the only place people really get me is right here.
I have two close friends struggling with infertility in my real life now. One is on the road to adoption after failed treatments, the other is on the road to treatment.
Infertility has scarred my life, and I hate to watch it up close and personal as it scars those close to me.
I'm sick of the way infertility is treated by the media. The whole Oprah thing with Jenna made me livid. I'm sick of infertility being thought of as something that only strikes those who waited too long to have kids or those who waited too long to get married. I married young and my infertility certainly wasn't caused by age. Nor was the infertility of so many of those I know.
And if infertility does result because you didn't find the right partner until you were in your 30s, does that really make you any less deserving of some empathy??? Because you chose to bring kids into the world once you were ready rather than when you were too young, unemployed, or with the wrong guy?
So I've read that one in eight women are struck by cancer. One in six couples are struck with infertility. Everybody bands together against cancer. Shouldn't we all be banding together against infertility? Infertility might not kill you, per say, but it kills the family you are meant to have. How can people not see that? For those who can't afford treatment, infertility kills the family members you'll never meet.
I know much has been said along these lines and mostly we are preaching to the choir. If we can make any difference at all, it will be worth it to those who continue the struggle.
It seems like an infertility blog is a hard place to keep coming to once you've achieved the ultimate goal--children. If you're trying for more, you usually stick around, and the blog remains laregly about infertility. If you're done building your family, your blog becomes focused on your kid(s). Those blogs are often twinged with survivor's guilt, and either they morph into a new Mommy blog or they simply end.
Then there is me. I have my two wonderful babies, and I'm done family building. Not because I want to be done, but because I have to be. There will be no more treatments for me. Adoption is highly unlikely given my financials these days. Plus, I feel like couples without any kids yet should have the first shot at adopting...(you know, the whole survivor's guilt thing.)So do I keep blogging as an infertile? Do I convert to a Mommy blog? I still feel like the only place people really get me is right here.
I have two close friends struggling with infertility in my real life now. One is on the road to adoption after failed treatments, the other is on the road to treatment.
Infertility has scarred my life, and I hate to watch it up close and personal as it scars those close to me.
I'm sick of the way infertility is treated by the media. The whole Oprah thing with Jenna made me livid. I'm sick of infertility being thought of as something that only strikes those who waited too long to have kids or those who waited too long to get married. I married young and my infertility certainly wasn't caused by age. Nor was the infertility of so many of those I know.
And if infertility does result because you didn't find the right partner until you were in your 30s, does that really make you any less deserving of some empathy??? Because you chose to bring kids into the world once you were ready rather than when you were too young, unemployed, or with the wrong guy?
So I've read that one in eight women are struck by cancer. One in six couples are struck with infertility. Everybody bands together against cancer. Shouldn't we all be banding together against infertility? Infertility might not kill you, per say, but it kills the family you are meant to have. How can people not see that? For those who can't afford treatment, infertility kills the family members you'll never meet.
I know much has been said along these lines and mostly we are preaching to the choir. If we can make any difference at all, it will be worth it to those who continue the struggle.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Happy Thanksgiving
I hope everyone had a great Thanskgiving. Ours was really nice. The boys did great and we had a small gathering with my side of the family.
I was feeling pretty good all weekend until I got the letter from my insurance company saying that my abdominal surgery would not be covered. Evidently it doesn't matter to them that my muscle separation is the size of a entire hand rather than the normal 1 or 2 finger gap that you usually see in abdominoplasty patients. Nor does the fact that you can see my intestines moving just under the skin whenever I'm laying down. Because I don't have a "true hernia" (at least not yet), the surgery is considered cosmetic. Yeah, because having your intestines bulge out is just about looks...
Oh God.
I have three doctors willing to write letters to my insurance about the medical neccesity of having my muscles sewn back together, but somehow I don't think it will matter. So I now have to save up about 8 grand to pay for the procedure, which will be done in an outpatient surgical facility. This scares me to death. As much as I don't want to be back in the hospital, I'm really scared about having such a serious surgery done and going home the same day. But that's how cosmetic surgery is handled. If insurance would cover it, they could insist on a hospital stay.
I just feel so torn about what to do. Clearly I can't spend the rest of my life with my intestines putting on a show for me every evening after dinner. I need the surgery. But I'm so afraid of the complications. Some pretty bad stuff could happen to me as a result of the surgery, including death. Even though the odds of complications are low, I've managed to be one of the "lucky" few twice now (Only .08%of women experience HELLP and only a very low percentage of people require IVF with ICSI to conceive, while 16% of abdominoplasty patients experience complications.) Do I push my luck a third time? I've met two surgeons who seem cautious to operate on me, and one who is ready to do it tomorrow. (It seems to come down to experience--two of the docs just weren't qualified.) I'm going to seek a few more opinions yet seeing as I have to wait now to save the money anyway.
This sucks.
I feel like my life is finally moving on, but the stomach issue is holding me back and can't be ignored. I just wish there was a simple answer.
I was feeling pretty good all weekend until I got the letter from my insurance company saying that my abdominal surgery would not be covered. Evidently it doesn't matter to them that my muscle separation is the size of a entire hand rather than the normal 1 or 2 finger gap that you usually see in abdominoplasty patients. Nor does the fact that you can see my intestines moving just under the skin whenever I'm laying down. Because I don't have a "true hernia" (at least not yet), the surgery is considered cosmetic. Yeah, because having your intestines bulge out is just about looks...
Oh God.
I have three doctors willing to write letters to my insurance about the medical neccesity of having my muscles sewn back together, but somehow I don't think it will matter. So I now have to save up about 8 grand to pay for the procedure, which will be done in an outpatient surgical facility. This scares me to death. As much as I don't want to be back in the hospital, I'm really scared about having such a serious surgery done and going home the same day. But that's how cosmetic surgery is handled. If insurance would cover it, they could insist on a hospital stay.
I just feel so torn about what to do. Clearly I can't spend the rest of my life with my intestines putting on a show for me every evening after dinner. I need the surgery. But I'm so afraid of the complications. Some pretty bad stuff could happen to me as a result of the surgery, including death. Even though the odds of complications are low, I've managed to be one of the "lucky" few twice now (Only .08%of women experience HELLP and only a very low percentage of people require IVF with ICSI to conceive, while 16% of abdominoplasty patients experience complications.) Do I push my luck a third time? I've met two surgeons who seem cautious to operate on me, and one who is ready to do it tomorrow. (It seems to come down to experience--two of the docs just weren't qualified.) I'm going to seek a few more opinions yet seeing as I have to wait now to save the money anyway.
This sucks.
I feel like my life is finally moving on, but the stomach issue is holding me back and can't be ignored. I just wish there was a simple answer.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Hooray for Jamie!
One of my best blogger buds is in labor right this very moment. Please wish her luck and good wishes!
One thing I love about this community is celebrating with everyone when their dreams are finally realized.
One thing I love about this community is celebrating with everyone when their dreams are finally realized.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Farewell Fertility
After staring at the paperwork from the initial consultation for almost 3 months, H called this week to schedule his vasectomy. It really sucks that he has to do this; that essentially we have to slam one final nail into the coffin that contains our fertility. I mean, our one “up side” to this whole infertility thing was that we’d never worry about birth control again and that we could hold on to a little spark of hope that maybe we’d spontaneously get pregnant one day. Well, my docs have all agreed that another pregnancy would be very dangerous for me, so we can’t take that risk. Now we’re going to be infertiles with no hope of future treatment. I’m so grateful we have two kids, because I know if we only had one child the vasectomy would be a lot harder on us. It’s still hard though. Having twins is like having an only child in some ways…you only get to go through these precious baby stages once and when they’re over, they’re over for good. The hard part with twins is that in addition to only going through this once, you’re going through it at warp speed. You can only focus so much on one baby until the other baby needs you. There’s little time to just sit back and enjoy them. Of course, I know if we had only one baby I’d be busy obsessing about when/if I could have or adopt another. So all in all, it just sucks to be an infertile no matter how you look at it, no matter how successful a treatment was for you. I’ll never be over our infertility. It has changed our lives in too dramatic of a way. I still cringe at pregnancy announcements and big bellies. It doesn’t hurt as much, but it does hurt. I imagine it will be pretty hard for me when my sister gets pregnant with her second.
The good news is that I’m finding more things to be happy about every day. The babies interact with us so much more now, and when they laugh I feel a joy like no other. The one likes to babble at me a lot. He’ll take my face with both of his hands and stare intently into my eyes, babbling away. Then he’ll open his mouth wide and plunge at my face, trying to eat my hair, my nose, my cheeks. This make me laugh like nothing else in the world. I like to think he’s trying to give me a kiss, but he’s at that phase where he just wants to out everything into his mouth. Both of them are rolling around and pushing up like champs. I expect the one to start crawling any day now. I really like this phase—they do a lot more but they’re not yet mobile. Wish we could stay here for awhile. I’ve stopped feeling so incredibly overwhelmed, as the boys both nap in their cribs now and do a decent job sleeping through the night. Their crying has decreased a great deal, which also helps a lot.
So, that’s how things are right now. I’m waiting to see if my insurance will cover the surgery to repair my abdomen. If it does, I’ll likely schedule the surgery for sometime this winter. I’m scared about it but I also want to get it over with so that I can finally heal completely and move on. Therapy is going okay. It’s not all that exciting most of the time. I hope it’s helping but I don’t really know. I know I feel better than I did a few weeks ago when I placed the initial call, but I feel like that also has a lot to do with the babies getting easier to handle. And the fact that they look at me when I call their name, laugh when I tickle them, and prefer me over everyone else, except sometimes their daddy.
The good news is that I’m finding more things to be happy about every day. The babies interact with us so much more now, and when they laugh I feel a joy like no other. The one likes to babble at me a lot. He’ll take my face with both of his hands and stare intently into my eyes, babbling away. Then he’ll open his mouth wide and plunge at my face, trying to eat my hair, my nose, my cheeks. This make me laugh like nothing else in the world. I like to think he’s trying to give me a kiss, but he’s at that phase where he just wants to out everything into his mouth. Both of them are rolling around and pushing up like champs. I expect the one to start crawling any day now. I really like this phase—they do a lot more but they’re not yet mobile. Wish we could stay here for awhile. I’ve stopped feeling so incredibly overwhelmed, as the boys both nap in their cribs now and do a decent job sleeping through the night. Their crying has decreased a great deal, which also helps a lot.
So, that’s how things are right now. I’m waiting to see if my insurance will cover the surgery to repair my abdomen. If it does, I’ll likely schedule the surgery for sometime this winter. I’m scared about it but I also want to get it over with so that I can finally heal completely and move on. Therapy is going okay. It’s not all that exciting most of the time. I hope it’s helping but I don’t really know. I know I feel better than I did a few weeks ago when I placed the initial call, but I feel like that also has a lot to do with the babies getting easier to handle. And the fact that they look at me when I call their name, laugh when I tickle them, and prefer me over everyone else, except sometimes their daddy.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Therapy 101
In case you’re all dying to know how my first therapy session went, I won’t leave you in suspense any longer. It went about as well as I could expect—leaving me, brimming with emotion, wondering just how many sessions it will take for me to “rewire” my reactions so that I can cope with all the crap that has happened to me and keeps coming my way.
What I learned in the first session wasn’t all that surprising—I have low self esteem stemming from how my parents raised me. You see, when you constantly discourage your kid from being what they want to be and constantly call into question all of their decisions, and even go so far as to proclaim that they must love a food that they have repeatedly sworn they hate, the kid starts to call into question everything they feel. They start to mistrust themselves. The kid ultimately develops a very low self esteem. That kid, desperate for their parents’ approval, becomes an overachiever and to the outside world appears to be quite a success. The kid becomes keenly observant of the people around them in their quest to obtain parental approval and therefore make tons of friends because of their ability to listen and dole out helpful advice. In the meantime, their own emotions get bottled up until they become such a burden that the kid can no longer deal with them. Therefore the kid becomes depressed and prone to anxiety attacks. Throw in some major life issues to deal with, and the kid can no longer function without seeking therapy. I’m so textbook it’s scary.
I’m not here to blame my parents, but I’ve known forever that their brand of parenting wasn’t--and still isn’t--very helpful for a healthy self esteem. Whenever I expressed interest in something, I was told--oh, you don’t want to do that--or I was told why I shouldn’t do that. This pattern has continued right into adulthood, as I faced infertility and was told by one of my parents that I shouldn’t do fertility treatments, and if they were faced with the same issue, they would choose to be childless.
All of the mentors in my life have recognized my self esteem issues and have asked me how someone as successful and smart as me could have such a problem. Well, I’ve always known the answer to that. I didn’t need therapy to tell me. What I need to know is how to fix it. Because I’m not going to repeat this pattern with my boys. Period.
What I learned in the first session wasn’t all that surprising—I have low self esteem stemming from how my parents raised me. You see, when you constantly discourage your kid from being what they want to be and constantly call into question all of their decisions, and even go so far as to proclaim that they must love a food that they have repeatedly sworn they hate, the kid starts to call into question everything they feel. They start to mistrust themselves. The kid ultimately develops a very low self esteem. That kid, desperate for their parents’ approval, becomes an overachiever and to the outside world appears to be quite a success. The kid becomes keenly observant of the people around them in their quest to obtain parental approval and therefore make tons of friends because of their ability to listen and dole out helpful advice. In the meantime, their own emotions get bottled up until they become such a burden that the kid can no longer deal with them. Therefore the kid becomes depressed and prone to anxiety attacks. Throw in some major life issues to deal with, and the kid can no longer function without seeking therapy. I’m so textbook it’s scary.
I’m not here to blame my parents, but I’ve known forever that their brand of parenting wasn’t--and still isn’t--very helpful for a healthy self esteem. Whenever I expressed interest in something, I was told--oh, you don’t want to do that--or I was told why I shouldn’t do that. This pattern has continued right into adulthood, as I faced infertility and was told by one of my parents that I shouldn’t do fertility treatments, and if they were faced with the same issue, they would choose to be childless.
All of the mentors in my life have recognized my self esteem issues and have asked me how someone as successful and smart as me could have such a problem. Well, I’ve always known the answer to that. I didn’t need therapy to tell me. What I need to know is how to fix it. Because I’m not going to repeat this pattern with my boys. Period.
Monday, October 22, 2007
The Next Step Forward
I’m finally pulling the trigger on some much needed therapy. I’m nervous about it, and I keep second guessing whether I really am depressed enough to seek counseling, but I’ve decided to go through with it and see what happens. After all, it can only make things better, right? I had a few rough days last week where I was just so down I couldn’t stand it. It was tough making the call for a referral—you get so many questions—but after I told my situation to the counselor on the phone, she told me how surprised she was that I was coping as well as I have been and that I definitely should seek some help ASAP, not only pick up the pieces but to be able to get though my impending abdomen surgery (more on that later).
What are my symptoms? I’m unmotivated about work, I have little interest in seeing friends, I’m sad more often than not, I have emotional breakdowns after every doctor’s appointment, I feel sick when thinking about a future hospital stay, and yes, I’ve occasionally thought that I’d be better off dead. But only occasionally. Most of the time I’m happy to be here, even though I’m unhappy about so many things that have happened to me. I don’t believe I’d cause myself any harm and I certainly wouldn’t harm anyone else. But sometimes I don’t want to be around anyone, and that scares me. Sometimes, when I’m alone with the boys for a few hours after work, I just want to call H and tell him to come home early because I can’t take being alone with them. This doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.
I’m tired of feeling sad more often than I feel happy. I want to snap out of it. H is also having a hard time. It’s hard to feel happy when I see how depressed he is too. I’m hoping therapy will provide me with an outlet and an objective person who will help me come to terms with my emotions and teach me how to handle them in a more productive way.
For awhile, this blog was my “therapy.” I could get things off my chest, and get some good feedback from others in the same boat, but now I feel like I need to take the next step in getting better. Occasionally I get a comment from an anonymous person who tells me I need to “get over myself” and stop complaining. Those comments (which I refuse to post since the person doesn’t have the guts to say who they are) always send me reeling. Maybe I am too self-centered. Maybe I should just get over it and focus on the positive. But then I have to laugh. I mean, this blog is about me, after all. Why should I have to “get over myself” when writing it? If I did, what would I have to write about? I’m not sure how many people care about what I have to say. I like to think my blog helps some people who are going through what I’ve been though. I’ve also made friends here who I think are genuinely interested in what’s going on in my life. To the people who think I need to “get over” myself, I say—don’t waste your time reading my blog. My blog may not be for you, and I can respect that. But my blog is first and foremost an outlet for me. It’s not about gaining readers or popularity. I hope my story can help other people and that’s also why I tell it. I know reading other people’s blogs helps me feel less alone in this whole mess.
Anyhow, that’s what’s on my mind lately. The boys are doing great and I’m plugging along. I hope I’m on the road to a complete recovery. I’m going to do everything I can to be a better, happier person for my kids. I have to believe that there will be a happy ending to all this. You might say I’ve already gotten my happy ending, but it’s just not that cut and dry.
What are my symptoms? I’m unmotivated about work, I have little interest in seeing friends, I’m sad more often than not, I have emotional breakdowns after every doctor’s appointment, I feel sick when thinking about a future hospital stay, and yes, I’ve occasionally thought that I’d be better off dead. But only occasionally. Most of the time I’m happy to be here, even though I’m unhappy about so many things that have happened to me. I don’t believe I’d cause myself any harm and I certainly wouldn’t harm anyone else. But sometimes I don’t want to be around anyone, and that scares me. Sometimes, when I’m alone with the boys for a few hours after work, I just want to call H and tell him to come home early because I can’t take being alone with them. This doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.
I’m tired of feeling sad more often than I feel happy. I want to snap out of it. H is also having a hard time. It’s hard to feel happy when I see how depressed he is too. I’m hoping therapy will provide me with an outlet and an objective person who will help me come to terms with my emotions and teach me how to handle them in a more productive way.
For awhile, this blog was my “therapy.” I could get things off my chest, and get some good feedback from others in the same boat, but now I feel like I need to take the next step in getting better. Occasionally I get a comment from an anonymous person who tells me I need to “get over myself” and stop complaining. Those comments (which I refuse to post since the person doesn’t have the guts to say who they are) always send me reeling. Maybe I am too self-centered. Maybe I should just get over it and focus on the positive. But then I have to laugh. I mean, this blog is about me, after all. Why should I have to “get over myself” when writing it? If I did, what would I have to write about? I’m not sure how many people care about what I have to say. I like to think my blog helps some people who are going through what I’ve been though. I’ve also made friends here who I think are genuinely interested in what’s going on in my life. To the people who think I need to “get over” myself, I say—don’t waste your time reading my blog. My blog may not be for you, and I can respect that. But my blog is first and foremost an outlet for me. It’s not about gaining readers or popularity. I hope my story can help other people and that’s also why I tell it. I know reading other people’s blogs helps me feel less alone in this whole mess.
Anyhow, that’s what’s on my mind lately. The boys are doing great and I’m plugging along. I hope I’m on the road to a complete recovery. I’m going to do everything I can to be a better, happier person for my kids. I have to believe that there will be a happy ending to all this. You might say I’ve already gotten my happy ending, but it’s just not that cut and dry.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
A Day in the Life of a Working Mom with Twins
I knew from the beginning that given my financial needs and my personality, I would be a working mom. Going back to work was hard for the first week, but it really has done wonders for my overall sanity. I miss the babies like crazy while I’m away and I worry about them, but I also feel like I’m a better mother to them after having some time for myself. I don’t regret the decision at all, but I also acknowledge that I might change my mind about it in a year or two when the boys are older. It has shocked me to see how many women (mostly relatives) are shocked that I went back to work, especially since most of them went back to work themselves after they had their own kids. It seems that they all expected me to stay home even though I was upfront about going back to work from the very beginning. For whatever reason, they seem to think that going back to work when you have one baby is fine, but going back to work with twins is unthinkable. Um, hi—do you know how much diapers and formula costs?
Luckily I work with a lot of moms around my age and they have been a wonderful support system for me. Watching them and talking to them about their kids shows me that being a working mom is not crazy or selfish.
As far as feedings and schedules, it does get easier around the 3 month mark. I saw real progress when the boys hit 4 months. We aren’t successful at feeding them at the same time in bouncy chairs (way too messy), so what we try to do is stagger their feedings by about 30 minutes. We feed one and then the other, and most days that works out just fine. Occasionally they will decide they are both starving at the same exact moment and that’s horrible if you are alone, but it rarely happens these days. So, when A wakes at 5 a.m. to eat, his brother is still asleep 90 percent of the time. H feeds him, puts him back to bed, then feeds B, who is sometimes still asleep or just starting to wake up. By feeding them one right after another, this sets up the 30 minute gap between their feedings for the day.
Here’s how our schedule has been lately:
5:00 am: A awakes and is fed
5:30 am: B awakes or is woken and is fed
6:00 am: I leave for work
Both babies go back to sleep until anywhere between 7:00 and 7:30.
H leaves for work at 7:30 and our au pair takes over.
Babies are awake and happy to play.
Baby A eats around 8:00
Baby B eats around 8:30
Naps are attempted around 9:30-10:00 and last until the next feeding if we’re lucky.
Babies eat again between 12:00 and 12:30
Afternoon naps are often taken around 1:30-2:00.
Babies eat again around 3:00-3:30.
I get home at 4:00 and play with the babies, who are usually very active and pleasant this time of day if naps were successful.
5:30: I make dinner while the babies watch.
6:00: H and I wolf down our food as the babies start to fuss.
6:15-6:30: H and I both take a baby to feed for the final feeding of the day. This feeding, the most important and predictable of our day, always consists of at least 6 ounces.
7:00-7:30: The babies get their baths—H and I each take care of a baby.
7:30 pm: Both babies are in their cribs with lights out. They are falling asleep faster and faster with less fussing each night.
8:00: The babies are asleep and H and I get our one hour together before we go to bed at 9:00.
Anywhere between 2:00 and 3:30 am: Baby B usually calls out for a pacifier or diaper change but quickly goes back to sleep
5:00 am: The process starts all over
Hope some of this helps. I found the best thing was setting their bedtime at 7:30 and having a predictable routine each night starting with the 6:15-6:30 bottle. No matter how bad the day has been, their bedtime routine has resulted in two sleeping babies by 8:00 for the last two months. This has been wonderful, because I know that no matter how bad things have been, everyone will be calm at 8:00 and stay that way for at least 5 or 6 hours.
Now that I’ve written out an actual schedule I’m just waiting for a sleep regression to come and mess it all up.
Luckily I work with a lot of moms around my age and they have been a wonderful support system for me. Watching them and talking to them about their kids shows me that being a working mom is not crazy or selfish.
As far as feedings and schedules, it does get easier around the 3 month mark. I saw real progress when the boys hit 4 months. We aren’t successful at feeding them at the same time in bouncy chairs (way too messy), so what we try to do is stagger their feedings by about 30 minutes. We feed one and then the other, and most days that works out just fine. Occasionally they will decide they are both starving at the same exact moment and that’s horrible if you are alone, but it rarely happens these days. So, when A wakes at 5 a.m. to eat, his brother is still asleep 90 percent of the time. H feeds him, puts him back to bed, then feeds B, who is sometimes still asleep or just starting to wake up. By feeding them one right after another, this sets up the 30 minute gap between their feedings for the day.
Here’s how our schedule has been lately:
5:00 am: A awakes and is fed
5:30 am: B awakes or is woken and is fed
6:00 am: I leave for work
Both babies go back to sleep until anywhere between 7:00 and 7:30.
H leaves for work at 7:30 and our au pair takes over.
Babies are awake and happy to play.
Baby A eats around 8:00
Baby B eats around 8:30
Naps are attempted around 9:30-10:00 and last until the next feeding if we’re lucky.
Babies eat again between 12:00 and 12:30
Afternoon naps are often taken around 1:30-2:00.
Babies eat again around 3:00-3:30.
I get home at 4:00 and play with the babies, who are usually very active and pleasant this time of day if naps were successful.
5:30: I make dinner while the babies watch.
6:00: H and I wolf down our food as the babies start to fuss.
6:15-6:30: H and I both take a baby to feed for the final feeding of the day. This feeding, the most important and predictable of our day, always consists of at least 6 ounces.
7:00-7:30: The babies get their baths—H and I each take care of a baby.
7:30 pm: Both babies are in their cribs with lights out. They are falling asleep faster and faster with less fussing each night.
8:00: The babies are asleep and H and I get our one hour together before we go to bed at 9:00.
Anywhere between 2:00 and 3:30 am: Baby B usually calls out for a pacifier or diaper change but quickly goes back to sleep
5:00 am: The process starts all over
Hope some of this helps. I found the best thing was setting their bedtime at 7:30 and having a predictable routine each night starting with the 6:15-6:30 bottle. No matter how bad the day has been, their bedtime routine has resulted in two sleeping babies by 8:00 for the last two months. This has been wonderful, because I know that no matter how bad things have been, everyone will be calm at 8:00 and stay that way for at least 5 or 6 hours.
Now that I’ve written out an actual schedule I’m just waiting for a sleep regression to come and mess it all up.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Hit the Pause Button
I spend so much of my life waiting for "the next step" rather than living in the moment. When I was going through infertility treatments, all I wanted was to be pregnant. When I was pregnant, I looked forward to the babies actually being here. Now that the babies are here, I'm anticipating their first words and being able to actually go places with them, like the zoo.
I need to slow down. This morning, when H got up to feed the babies at 5 a.m., I got up to help him instead of getting an extra 15 minutes of sleep before work. He didn't need my help, but I wanted to feed one of my boys. They won't need these early morning feedings much longer. I want to treasure this time.
I didn't know that having twins would be this hard for me to handle. I didn't know how tough it would be to split my attention between the two of them. A laughed for the first time yesterday while H tickled him, and I couldn't really hear him because I was comforting a screaming B. There's rarely time to just sit and marvel at them. Would time please slow down for me?
Since these are my first and perhaps only babies (we haven't ruled out adoption one day), I'm trying to really live each moment with them. It's so hard. I want to scoop both of them up in my arms at the same time when I get home from work but I can't. I give myself permission to buy them super cute but expensive clothes from Gym.boree because this may be the only time I get to go through this. I cry when I look at the newborn pictures taken the first few weeks of their lives while I was still in the hospital because I wasn't there and I can't have that time with them back. I am finally coming out of the cloud that I think was a mixture of PPD and PTS. As hard as everything has been, it was all worth it. I finally feel again.
I need to slow down. This morning, when H got up to feed the babies at 5 a.m., I got up to help him instead of getting an extra 15 minutes of sleep before work. He didn't need my help, but I wanted to feed one of my boys. They won't need these early morning feedings much longer. I want to treasure this time.
I didn't know that having twins would be this hard for me to handle. I didn't know how tough it would be to split my attention between the two of them. A laughed for the first time yesterday while H tickled him, and I couldn't really hear him because I was comforting a screaming B. There's rarely time to just sit and marvel at them. Would time please slow down for me?
Since these are my first and perhaps only babies (we haven't ruled out adoption one day), I'm trying to really live each moment with them. It's so hard. I want to scoop both of them up in my arms at the same time when I get home from work but I can't. I give myself permission to buy them super cute but expensive clothes from Gym.boree because this may be the only time I get to go through this. I cry when I look at the newborn pictures taken the first few weeks of their lives while I was still in the hospital because I wasn't there and I can't have that time with them back. I am finally coming out of the cloud that I think was a mixture of PPD and PTS. As hard as everything has been, it was all worth it. I finally feel again.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Sleep and Such
I had a wonderful weekend with the babies. As you may have noticed, I'm rather undecided on how to refer to the boys in my blog--I want to keep things anonymous--so I think I'll just refer to them as A and B. It seems too impersonal, but I think it's for the best as I still don't want people I know reading my blog.
Anyhow, A slept all night long both Saturday and Sunday without a single peep. B only woke about twice for some minor comforting. It was great. I've learned however that this could change at any moment, so I'm not going to expect this trend to continue. I'm still taking things one day at a time. I also spent a lot of the weekend on nap training and was able to get the boys to take all of their naps in their crib this weekend. Unfortunately their naps were much shorter than usual, but at least we're making progress. The secret so far has been putting the boys down earlier than I normally do, so that they're not already overtired when I start the nap process with them. At least, I think this is the secret. They could just be messing with me. A has mastered rolling over, and as a result I've spent a lot of time checking on him and pulling him back to his side when I find him on his stomach asleep. He awakes for a moment when I roll him back and grunts his annoyaance but falls back asleep. With this new development, I've been sleeping less as he's been sleeping more because I keep checking on him all night. I still can't see how my best friend lets her newborn sleep on his stomach and even puts him down that way. I certainly don't want anything bad to happen to him, so please understand that when I complain about how easy everything has been for her--from conception to childbirth to her baby sleeping through the night, albeit on his stomach--it's not that I wish she had a hard time like I did or anything. God, no, I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anybody. I just marvel at how she takes everything for granted, especially after the hell I've been through. But whatever. I'm moving on.
My good friend at work--one of the only people who knows that I did IVF- has started going through her own testing for IF. She's been trying for over a year now and finally gotten up the courage to talk to her doctor about it. Her initial ultrasound showed a lot of cysts, but the docs don't really know anything yet. My heart is breaking for her. She came out of her first appointment shell shocked, just as I did a year and a half ago. I'm glad she knows about what I went through so we can talk openly about it now. She was a major shoulder for me to lean on last year, and she now takes some comfort in the fact that I've been through this and can help her through it. H is afraid that I'll be reliving too much of everything by being there for her, but I don't think it will be a problem. One of the only good things to come out of my experience is that I can be there for other people who are struggling. My friend has commented that no one else listens to her the way I do--she now sees for herself that that only people who have been through this really get it. I wish this was something she never had to learn. I've directed her to the blogosphere, so you may be seeing her around in some form or another soon. I don't know what I would have done without my blog friends. Thank you all for being there.
Anyhow, A slept all night long both Saturday and Sunday without a single peep. B only woke about twice for some minor comforting. It was great. I've learned however that this could change at any moment, so I'm not going to expect this trend to continue. I'm still taking things one day at a time. I also spent a lot of the weekend on nap training and was able to get the boys to take all of their naps in their crib this weekend. Unfortunately their naps were much shorter than usual, but at least we're making progress. The secret so far has been putting the boys down earlier than I normally do, so that they're not already overtired when I start the nap process with them. At least, I think this is the secret. They could just be messing with me. A has mastered rolling over, and as a result I've spent a lot of time checking on him and pulling him back to his side when I find him on his stomach asleep. He awakes for a moment when I roll him back and grunts his annoyaance but falls back asleep. With this new development, I've been sleeping less as he's been sleeping more because I keep checking on him all night. I still can't see how my best friend lets her newborn sleep on his stomach and even puts him down that way. I certainly don't want anything bad to happen to him, so please understand that when I complain about how easy everything has been for her--from conception to childbirth to her baby sleeping through the night, albeit on his stomach--it's not that I wish she had a hard time like I did or anything. God, no, I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anybody. I just marvel at how she takes everything for granted, especially after the hell I've been through. But whatever. I'm moving on.
My good friend at work--one of the only people who knows that I did IVF- has started going through her own testing for IF. She's been trying for over a year now and finally gotten up the courage to talk to her doctor about it. Her initial ultrasound showed a lot of cysts, but the docs don't really know anything yet. My heart is breaking for her. She came out of her first appointment shell shocked, just as I did a year and a half ago. I'm glad she knows about what I went through so we can talk openly about it now. She was a major shoulder for me to lean on last year, and she now takes some comfort in the fact that I've been through this and can help her through it. H is afraid that I'll be reliving too much of everything by being there for her, but I don't think it will be a problem. One of the only good things to come out of my experience is that I can be there for other people who are struggling. My friend has commented that no one else listens to her the way I do--she now sees for herself that that only people who have been through this really get it. I wish this was something she never had to learn. I've directed her to the blogosphere, so you may be seeing her around in some form or another soon. I don't know what I would have done without my blog friends. Thank you all for being there.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
It'll Be Okay
I've spent so many posts complaining lately that I want to acknowledge that I really am starting to feel better emotionally overall. I have many, many more good moments than bad ones with the babies now, and even when things get tough, like when Baby B decides to pee on me while Baby A is screaming to be fed, I take it much more in stride. The babies are really cute, and I'm trying to enjoy this time as much as possible. They've started interacting a tiny bit with each other, which is so fun to watch. I'm happy I get to be their Mom.
Yesterday I tried to get them to nap in their cribs again thinking it might be easier now that their night sleep has improved, and that was just a big old excercise in futility. Not only were we all miserable, they didn't get any decent nap time and last night they awoke quite a few times in the 2:00-4:00 a.m. range. H and I are exhausted today. I love how easy the sleep books make their "programs" sound. I know I have to keep trying though, because soon they'll really be too big to nap in their bouncy chairs. Please keep the nap tips coming...especially you twin moms out there!
Yesterday I tried to get them to nap in their cribs again thinking it might be easier now that their night sleep has improved, and that was just a big old excercise in futility. Not only were we all miserable, they didn't get any decent nap time and last night they awoke quite a few times in the 2:00-4:00 a.m. range. H and I are exhausted today. I love how easy the sleep books make their "programs" sound. I know I have to keep trying though, because soon they'll really be too big to nap in their bouncy chairs. Please keep the nap tips coming...especially you twin moms out there!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
One Year Later
A year ago I was in 2WW hell, about to find out that I was pregnant. Looking at my posts from that period, I was much more in control and on top of things than I feel now, even though I remember vividly what a difficult time it was. I was propelled with the hope of what could be even though I was scared. Now that I've faced almost losing my life and all chances at having a normal child-bearing experience, I find I'm a very different person. I'm tired. I am so very grateful for my two babies, but I am so tired emotionally.
Things are getting better with the babies every day, but in some ways I know I'll never heal from this experience. I called my uberfertile former best friend last week, who just had her second unplanned baby. She joyfully recounted how easy the birthing process was. Four pushes and he was out! She complained about all the little sleeping noises and grunts he makes and matter-of-factly stated that she puts him on his stomach to sleep because he gets more rest that way. The poor thing is only 2 weeks old and she's putting him on his stomach to sleep. Um, hello, you do know about SIDS, right? She answers that she did this with her first baby and she survived.
Now when people ask me if I plan on having more kids, I simply answer that I can't. The chance of HELLP recurring is too high so the doctors have forbidden it. You wouldn't believe the pity I see on people's faces. It surprises me. I'm an infertile with no hope of treatment now, and knowing there's nothing I can do about it does give me an odd sense of calm. Granted, I'm still pissed off that I can't get pregnant like most women I know, but that desperate longing I once felt is gone. I've had my experience, and while it wasn't a smooth ride at the end, I got to feel what it's like to grow two little people. Now I just need to accept that I have a body that failed its job in delivering and feeding those two little people, and that jackasses like my former best friend will always make me feel the sting of the injustice of it all.
Things are getting better with the babies every day, but in some ways I know I'll never heal from this experience. I called my uberfertile former best friend last week, who just had her second unplanned baby. She joyfully recounted how easy the birthing process was. Four pushes and he was out! She complained about all the little sleeping noises and grunts he makes and matter-of-factly stated that she puts him on his stomach to sleep because he gets more rest that way. The poor thing is only 2 weeks old and she's putting him on his stomach to sleep. Um, hello, you do know about SIDS, right? She answers that she did this with her first baby and she survived.
Now when people ask me if I plan on having more kids, I simply answer that I can't. The chance of HELLP recurring is too high so the doctors have forbidden it. You wouldn't believe the pity I see on people's faces. It surprises me. I'm an infertile with no hope of treatment now, and knowing there's nothing I can do about it does give me an odd sense of calm. Granted, I'm still pissed off that I can't get pregnant like most women I know, but that desperate longing I once felt is gone. I've had my experience, and while it wasn't a smooth ride at the end, I got to feel what it's like to grow two little people. Now I just need to accept that I have a body that failed its job in delivering and feeding those two little people, and that jackasses like my former best friend will always make me feel the sting of the injustice of it all.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Beautiful
After a few very rough days before I went back to work last week, things started looking a little brighter. Now it seems that I am starting to have a few more good days than bad ones, so perhaps I am starting to turn the corner on this whole depression thing.
The boys were baptized this weekend, and it was absolutely beautiful. Everything went amazingly well, and for once our babies weren't the ones crying. My sister's newborn did the honors of squacking her head off during the party. That made me feel much, much better, since the past 2 weeks it's been my boys causing a commotion at family gatherings. The boys were attentive and pleasant during the ceremony, and then they slept like angels at the restaurant afterwards where we had the party. I am so glad we ignored my MIL's constant pestering to have the party at our house, because being able to just relax and enjoy the day out was so much better than trying to host something at our house. It was expensive but worth every penny. I have no idea how we would have cleaned and cooked for a party of that size with twins.
MIL, however, seemed sorely disappointed that she couldn't camp out at our house with all her side of the family who came from out of town. She still managed to come up with an excuse to get all of her relatives over to our house afterwards, but it was only for a few minutes luckily. She wanted everyone to have a tour of our house, and H obliged but made a point of saying that we weren't up to entertaining with twins (I mean, the whole reason we paid to have the party elsewhere is because we didn't have time to prepare the house for guests!). She was pouty all day, but I couldn't feel bad about it because it is just so hard to get anything done around the house with two babies, especially when one is still colicky and neither of them wanted to sleep through the night this week. I don't understand why she can't see how exhausted we are as it is. The weirdest thing--in the middle of the party, once both boys woke up from their naps, she asked H is he would do her a favor. Sure, he said...what is it? She asked if she could take the babies back to our house now that they were awake and have some time alone with them. Uhhh, no....H replied. Everybody here drove a long way to see the babies and this is their party...why would you take them from it??? Weird.
The thing is, she sees the babies a lot. It's not like she's getting less time with them than my parents. I think she misses the times when we had to rely on her to help take care of them by herself while I was sick, though I know she's genuinely glad I'm better. I think she got too much of a taste of playing "mom" instead of "grandmom." And the thing is, I'm not giving up my rights as Mom at these events, now that I'm finally in the picture. We let her feed one of the babies during the party, but H and I remained the babies' primary caregivers. Now that we're both back at work, the weekends are our main time to interact with the babies too, and we're not willing to just pass them off. We're making up for a lot of lost bonding time.
Anyhow, aside from MIL being MIL, everything was really nice and I think everyone had a really good time. H's brothers actually made it (his one brother has never visited us the entire time we have been married) and the weather couldn't have been better.
As far as me being back at work, I'm doing pretty well with it. I miss the babies a lot while I'm gone, but the separation also gives me a chance to recharge and be better with them once I get home. Also, my abdomen/hernia has been bothering me a lot more lately, so having a break from lifting them all day is probably good for my healing. Being at work has given me back a slice of my identity before this whole thing went down, and that's been good for me. My co-workers are so great, and my managers are being very understanding in letting me ease back into a full schedule while I continue to heal. So, really, right now I think things are as good as they could be. I'm concerned about my hernia, though, and will be making a few more doctor's appointments this week.
Are there any twin moms out there reading who had a hernia repaired after their delivery?
The boys were baptized this weekend, and it was absolutely beautiful. Everything went amazingly well, and for once our babies weren't the ones crying. My sister's newborn did the honors of squacking her head off during the party. That made me feel much, much better, since the past 2 weeks it's been my boys causing a commotion at family gatherings. The boys were attentive and pleasant during the ceremony, and then they slept like angels at the restaurant afterwards where we had the party. I am so glad we ignored my MIL's constant pestering to have the party at our house, because being able to just relax and enjoy the day out was so much better than trying to host something at our house. It was expensive but worth every penny. I have no idea how we would have cleaned and cooked for a party of that size with twins.
MIL, however, seemed sorely disappointed that she couldn't camp out at our house with all her side of the family who came from out of town. She still managed to come up with an excuse to get all of her relatives over to our house afterwards, but it was only for a few minutes luckily. She wanted everyone to have a tour of our house, and H obliged but made a point of saying that we weren't up to entertaining with twins (I mean, the whole reason we paid to have the party elsewhere is because we didn't have time to prepare the house for guests!). She was pouty all day, but I couldn't feel bad about it because it is just so hard to get anything done around the house with two babies, especially when one is still colicky and neither of them wanted to sleep through the night this week. I don't understand why she can't see how exhausted we are as it is. The weirdest thing--in the middle of the party, once both boys woke up from their naps, she asked H is he would do her a favor. Sure, he said...what is it? She asked if she could take the babies back to our house now that they were awake and have some time alone with them. Uhhh, no....H replied. Everybody here drove a long way to see the babies and this is their party...why would you take them from it??? Weird.
The thing is, she sees the babies a lot. It's not like she's getting less time with them than my parents. I think she misses the times when we had to rely on her to help take care of them by herself while I was sick, though I know she's genuinely glad I'm better. I think she got too much of a taste of playing "mom" instead of "grandmom." And the thing is, I'm not giving up my rights as Mom at these events, now that I'm finally in the picture. We let her feed one of the babies during the party, but H and I remained the babies' primary caregivers. Now that we're both back at work, the weekends are our main time to interact with the babies too, and we're not willing to just pass them off. We're making up for a lot of lost bonding time.
Anyhow, aside from MIL being MIL, everything was really nice and I think everyone had a really good time. H's brothers actually made it (his one brother has never visited us the entire time we have been married) and the weather couldn't have been better.
As far as me being back at work, I'm doing pretty well with it. I miss the babies a lot while I'm gone, but the separation also gives me a chance to recharge and be better with them once I get home. Also, my abdomen/hernia has been bothering me a lot more lately, so having a break from lifting them all day is probably good for my healing. Being at work has given me back a slice of my identity before this whole thing went down, and that's been good for me. My co-workers are so great, and my managers are being very understanding in letting me ease back into a full schedule while I continue to heal. So, really, right now I think things are as good as they could be. I'm concerned about my hernia, though, and will be making a few more doctor's appointments this week.
Are there any twin moms out there reading who had a hernia repaired after their delivery?
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