I spend so much of my life waiting for "the next step" rather than living in the moment. When I was going through infertility treatments, all I wanted was to be pregnant. When I was pregnant, I looked forward to the babies actually being here. Now that the babies are here, I'm anticipating their first words and being able to actually go places with them, like the zoo.
I need to slow down. This morning, when H got up to feed the babies at 5 a.m., I got up to help him instead of getting an extra 15 minutes of sleep before work. He didn't need my help, but I wanted to feed one of my boys. They won't need these early morning feedings much longer. I want to treasure this time.
I didn't know that having twins would be this hard for me to handle. I didn't know how tough it would be to split my attention between the two of them. A laughed for the first time yesterday while H tickled him, and I couldn't really hear him because I was comforting a screaming B. There's rarely time to just sit and marvel at them. Would time please slow down for me?
Since these are my first and perhaps only babies (we haven't ruled out adoption one day), I'm trying to really live each moment with them. It's so hard. I want to scoop both of them up in my arms at the same time when I get home from work but I can't. I give myself permission to buy them super cute but expensive clothes from Gym.boree because this may be the only time I get to go through this. I cry when I look at the newborn pictures taken the first few weeks of their lives while I was still in the hospital because I wasn't there and I can't have that time with them back. I am finally coming out of the cloud that I think was a mixture of PPD and PTS. As hard as everything has been, it was all worth it. I finally feel again.
5 comments:
You've summed up a lot of my feelings toward my boys as well. These will be our first and only babies, so I do struggle to slow down and enjoy where they are right now.
And having bought two VERY expensive Halloween costumes from B.aby G.ap, I know just where you are on the clothes thing!!
Gosh Emmie - Once again you've captured a part of what I've been experiencing so beautifully. All I wanted was a child, got an amazing little boy, and now I find myself continuing to look ahead, and ahead. It's effort to remind myself to live in the moment and just breathe. I feel torn between being here with him all day and thinking about going back to work at some point. If I don't learn to take those moments of pause I fear one day down the line I'll be unhappy stuck at work and longing for my quiet baby filled days. Sigh.
Anyway, I'm glad you are starting to feel again and with time are slowly but surely coming out of your cloud.
Thinking of you as always, Lisa
Ah, that last line brings tears to my eyes.
I am so happy for you, and praying that the healing will continue.
Thanks so much for your comment on my blog. I've actually read yours before so everything is coming full circle :)
I do promise you that it does get easier, although you are right- the time goes by SO quickly. It sounds like you are doing an AMAZING job so far. One day you will look back and realize how well you did, but when you are in the thick of it, it's hard to feel like you are succeeding. I remember thinking to myself all of the time, "I am so incompetent" during those early weeks and months, but now I look back and realize that we actually did a really good job.
So many of your friends with singletons will tell you they don't know how you do it with two...and it does, in fact, take a special person (people!) to handle two babies with grace, dignity and a smile on their faces. And all the while appreciating every minute you have with them at each stage.
I am a lot like you- I have always been rushing through life, not being able to wait for the next big step. I've finally tried to slow down though and try to appreciate the moment because, like you said, it goes by so fast.
Keep up the good work-- you're really doing a great job!
Thanks so much for your comment on my blog. I've actually read yours before so everything is coming full circle :)
I do promise you that it does get easier, although you are right- the time goes by SO quickly. It sounds like you are doing an AMAZING job so far. One day you will look back and realize how well you did, but when you are in the thick of it, it's hard to feel like you are succeeding. I remember thinking to myself all of the time, "I am so incompetent" during those early weeks and months, but now I look back and realize that we actually did a really good job.
So many of your friends with singletons will tell you they don't know how you do it with two...and it does, in fact, take a special person (people!) to handle two babies with grace, dignity and a smile on their faces. And all the while appreciating every minute you have with them at each stage.
I am a lot like you- I have always been rushing through life, not being able to wait for the next big step. I've finally tried to slow down though and try to appreciate the moment because, like you said, it goes by so fast.
Keep up the good work-- you're really doing a great job!
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